Isolated and frustrated
Hello everyone,
I'm feeeling like I've had a delayed reaction and things are starting to come to the core. Why do I feel the need to be in control of everything?!
Operation was last Oct for breast cancer left mastectomy, axillery clearance, AC chemo x 4 just finished, Taxol next for 12 wks followed by radiotheraphy) being a single woman I've found really hard. My family and friends have been fantastic and are all pitching in whenever they can but at the end of the day I feel alone.
My family are spread all over the place and have their own families which makes it had to stay with them if needed. We lost mum not long ago and I know If she were around I could just go home and be that little girl and be safe. I miss her.
I'm sorry to pour this all out but its hard. Being just a few days off AC may be bringing up these emotions.. I'll walk the dog and hopefully this will lift my mood.
Donna xx
Comments
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Hi Donna
As single women we are used to being in control but breast cancer certainly challenges this belief!
Our emotions are out of control through the chemo treatments and the drugs used to control the side effects and some of them also cause distressing side effects eg. not being able to sleep (Dexamethasone.) Once I realised this it was so much easier, I allowed myself to have "being a blob" days where I did not shift from the house and did absolutely nothing, sometimes not even getting dressed, while other times in the regular treatment cycle I was able to do normal things.
Friends can be fantastic, they can also be disappointing in their lack of understanding. Mine live all over Melbourne, none very close to me. I attended all appointments, clinics, chemo, surgeries by myself because I had to. This journey makes you strong and through it we do walk alone!
I stayed by myself right through treatment and I was prepared to ring an ambulance if needed, clutching my card to get me through Triage at Emergency, but thankfully I didn't need to do this.
Unless they have also walked the walk no-one else can truly understand the doubts, hopes, emotions we go through on a daily basis as we try to weather the treatments and reconstruct our lives by adapting to the new normal, hence the value of a site like this.
With love
Joy K
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Hi Donna
As single women we are used to being in control but breast cancer certainly challenges this belief!
Our emotions are out of control through the chemo treatments and the drugs used to control the side effects and some of them also cause distressing side effects eg. not being able to sleep (Dexamethasone.) Once I realised this it was so much easier, I allowed myself to have "being a blob" days where I did not shift from the house and did absolutely nothing, sometimes not even getting dressed, while other times in the regular treatment cycle I was able to do normal things.
Friends can be fantastic, they can also be disappointing in their lack of understanding. Mine live all over Melbourne, none very close to me. I attended all appointments, clinics, chemo, surgeries by myself because I had to. This journey makes you strong and through it we do walk alone!
I stayed by myself right through treatment and I was prepared to ring an ambulance if needed, clutching my card to get me through Triage at Emergency, but thankfully I didn't need to do this.
Unless they have also walked the walk no-one else can truly understand the doubts, hopes, emotions we go through on a daily basis as we try to weather the treatments and reconstruct our lives by adapting to the new normal, hence the value of a site like this.
With love
Joy K
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Well Joy said it perfectly. Unless someone has walked the walk they will never understand what happens to our sole and body. It turns our lives upside down and yes we do become stronger and much more educated to say the least.
Yes doing it alone it very hard and very lonely too, despite having friends and family. Sometimes we just need that closeness and a cuddle at the end of the night that others cant share. I am just so glad i did not have to have chemo as i really dont think i could have coped on my own like you have. You ladies are both just so strong and brave and should be very proud of yourself for doing it alone. . Donna, I hope you enjoy your well deserved holiday in Hawaii, it might just be the medicine your after.
Cheers Jo xx
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I am in awe of you and Joy doing this"gig"on your own.I was lucky to have my retired husband to hold my hand through it all(twice-poor man).Joy sums it up so well and yes,those drugs do weird things to your head.It's such a big chunck of time out your life getting through all the treatments. Sounds like you might be at the half way mark?You get fed up feeling so rotten and that little light at the end of the tunnel is but a mere flicker and a long way off.I would have "doona days"when I felt bad and on good days I would reward myself with a small treat -go to the movies,buy a top etc.There is also alot of emotional stuff to deal with too- losing a boob,losing hair,facing your mortality and for you Donna,still grieving for your mum no doubt.Family and friends are wonderful but it wouldn't hurt to have some counselling-maybe at the hospital where you have chemo? When I finished chemo and started on Tamoxifen I thought it's side effects were sending me nuts.I started taking a low dose antidepressant and I felt much better.From memory(2003),it took about 2 years post bc treatment to feel abit more confident in my health.I'm giving myself about that time again.Chemo does tend to take away our control so you just have to look for it in other ways.I think planning a trip to Hawaii and spending lots of money at their shops sounds like a wonderful goal.But don't forget to have mini goals to look forward too as well.And you are not alone cos we have read your blog and understand what you are going through.
Tonya xx
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I am in awe of you and Joy doing this"gig"on your own.I was lucky to have my retired husband to hold my hand through it all(twice-poor man).Joy sums it up so well and yes,those drugs do weird things to your head.It's such a big chunck of time out your life getting through all the treatments. Sounds like you might be at the half way mark?You get fed up feeling so rotten and that little light at the end of the tunnel is but a mere flicker and a long way off.I would have "doona days"when I felt bad and on good days I would reward myself with a small treat -go to the movies,buy a top etc.There is also alot of emotional stuff to deal with too- losing a boob,losing hair,facing your mortality and for you Donna,still grieving for your mum no doubt.Family and friends are wonderful but it wouldn't hurt to have some counselling-maybe at the hospital where you have chemo? When I finished chemo and started on Tamoxifen I thought it's side effects were sending me nuts.I started taking a low dose antidepressant and I felt much better.From memory(2003),it took about 2 years post bc treatment to feel abit more confident in my health.I'm giving myself about that time again.Chemo does tend to take away our control so you just have to look for it in other ways.I think planning a trip to Hawaii and spending lots of money at their shops sounds like a wonderful goal.But don't forget to have mini goals to look forward too as well.And you are not alone cos we have read your blog and understand what you are going through.
Tonya xx
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Thank you Jo.Tonya and Suzie, for your kind words and encouragement. Its really helped me feel not so alone. This is such a wonderful place to visit and share amongst people that just get it. Being off line for a few weeks and then logging on to see these lovely messages lifted my spirits. Thank you! I started my first week of taxol yesterday and so far so good. No nausea which is such a relief. I've 12 sessions in total to go. Trying not to count down too much! Yes, I agree Tonya about counsellor. I met with one at the time of diagnoses and post operation which was over 3mths ago. Time for a catch up to just de-brief. In the past few weeks I've caught up with friends who I've not seen in years. I stayed for w ends at their place and had such a lovely time. I'm really enjoying quite times with heart to heart conversations. Just can't do the big crowds thing at the moment. Thank you for allowing me to share my fears and to feel safe . My job takes me on country trips as a sales executive and this week my best friend came along for the ride. We did a Thelma and Loiuse thing on our drive to Hamilton and back. we joked that we would avoid the cliffs of the Grampions! Normally I would drive up on these trips, see customers and keep driving eating on the go but this time my friend Maria said to me lets have a look at the galleries and the Ansett Musuem in Hamilton ( no idea it originated from there but it was fun) had a picnic in the park and just smelled the roses. It was a nice tonic and one that I'm starting to realise as I go on this journey to be a bit more spontaneous and try not to put so many demands on myself. I'm slowly learning this. Tonight I'm being a bit of a couch patatoe which I'm allowing myself to be without feeling guilty! Thank you girls xox
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Thank you Jo.Tonya and Suzie, for your kind words and encouragement. Its really helped me feel not so alone. This is such a wonderful place to visit and share amongst people that just get it. Being off line for a few weeks and then logging on to see these lovely messages lifted my spirits. Thank you! I started my first week of taxol yesterday and so far so good. No nausea which is such a relief. I've 12 sessions in total to go. Trying not to count down too much! Yes, I agree Tonya about counsellor. I met with one at the time of diagnoses and post operation which was over 3mths ago. Time for a catch up to just de-brief. In the past few weeks I've caught up with friends who I've not seen in years. I stayed for w ends at their place and had such a lovely time. I'm really enjoying quite times with heart to heart conversations. Just can't do the big crowds thing at the moment. Thank you for allowing me to share my fears and to feel safe . My job takes me on country trips as a sales executive and this week my best friend came along for the ride. We did a Thelma and Loiuse thing on our drive to Hamilton and back. we joked that we would avoid the cliffs of the Grampions! Normally I would drive up on these trips, see customers and keep driving eating on the go but this time my friend Maria said to me lets have a look at the galleries and the Ansett Musuem in Hamilton ( no idea it originated from there but it was fun) had a picnic in the park and just smelled the roses. It was a nice tonic and one that I'm starting to realise as I go on this journey to be a bit more spontaneous and try not to put so many demands on myself. I'm slowly learning this. Tonight I'm being a bit of a couch patatoe which I'm allowing myself to be without feeling guilty! Thank you girls xox
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Thank you Jo.Tonya and Suzie, for your kind words and encouragement. Its really helped me feel not so alone. This is such a wonderful place to visit and share amongst people that just get it. Being off line for a few weeks and then logging on to see these lovely messages lifted my spirits. Thank you! I started my first week of taxol yesterday and so far so good. No nausea which is such a relief. I've 12 sessions in total to go. Trying not to count down too much! Yes, I agree Tonya about counsellor. I met with one at the time of diagnoses and post operation which was over 3mths ago. Time for a catch up to just de-brief. In the past few weeks I've caught up with friends who I've not seen in years. I stayed for w ends at their place and had such a lovely time. I'm really enjoying quite times with heart to heart conversations. Just can't do the big crowds thing at the moment. Thank you for allowing me to share my fears and to feel safe . My job takes me on country trips as a sales executive and this week my best friend came along for the ride. We did a Thelma and Loiuse thing on our drive to Hamilton and back. we joked that we would avoid the cliffs of the Grampions! Normally I would drive up on these trips, see customers and keep driving eating on the go but this time my friend Maria said to me lets have a look at the galleries and the Ansett Musuem in Hamilton ( no idea it originated from there but it was fun) had a picnic in the park and just smelled the roses. It was a nice tonic and one that I'm starting to realise as I go on this journey to be a bit more spontaneous and try not to put so many demands on myself. I'm slowly learning this. Tonight I'm being a bit of a couch patatoe which I'm allowing myself to be without feeling guilty! Thank you girls xox
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