Just feel like running away

Molly71
Molly71 Member Posts: 21 ✭
in Now what? The highs and lows of survivorship
Does anyone else just feel like running away. It's almost 2 months since I finished radiation, and getting close to 12 months since my diagnosis. I see my Breast Surgeon next week. I am grateful, and I have come through surgery, chemo etc, ok compared to others, so I think I should just be "getting on with it", I've returned to work, but finding it very difficult due to sleep problems, concentration and just anxiety. I'm trying everything, antidepressants, counselling, Yoga. Since I started HT I feel like I just cry all day. I just want to run away.... does it get any easier? I have family support, but still feel alone. I'm sure this is "normal" feelings, but somedays it just feels too hard. Just feeling scared and alone at the moment, I'm sure it will eventually get a little easier (at least I hope it will). 
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  • Julez1958
    Julez1958 Member Posts: 1,267 ✭
    Hi @Molly71
    It seems to be very common to have a bit of an emotional crash when active treatment ( I mean surgery, chemo radio) ends.
    Add to that if you are on hormone therapy often it mimics some of the side effects of menopause including mood swings ☹️
    What works for one might not work for another.
    Seeing  a psychologist might help.
    As might keeping busy .
    I find having something in my diary to do every day helps ( I am semi retired ) as well as always having a holiday to look forward to ( however short).
    It will get better but in a lot of ways it’s like moving through the various stages of grief - what you are grieving for is your formerly bulletproof self.
    Take care 🌺
  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,449 ✭
    As @Julez1958 says, an end-of-active-treatment crisis is not unusual. The regular treatments may not have been fun but they become a norm. I didn’t leave work but many find going back difficult - on one obvious level it’s indicative of everything being back to ‘normal’ but you don’t feel normal, so it’s a disjunction not a reassurance. You mention you’ve tried counselling but there are many types of counsellors and not all are an immediate fit. Someone who can help you articulate what is unsettling you most of all can really help - without that, it’s hard to settle on solutions. A disruptive, life threatening illness upsets a lot of assumptions we might have about our lives. Identifying those changes is the first step to feeling confident and more settled about your future. Best wishes. 
  • Blossom1961
    Blossom1961 Member Posts: 2,517 ✭
    @Molly71 Absolutely. Many times. five years ago I often wished they would just knock me out for the treatment duration and then wake me when it was all over. My other often thought was 'stop the merry go round, I just want off". Four years later I had to readjust my thinking to long term treatment for mets. I don't really want to be knocked out for life. However I do sometimes want to get off the ride and take whatever happens. It does get easier, but you will still have those days and the only advise I can think of is to keep busy on those days (after you have a releasing scream moment). Sending hugs
  • Molly71
    Molly71 Member Posts: 21 ✭
    @arpie, @Afraser, @Julez1958, @Blossom1961, thankyou all for your responses, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer suggestions to help.  I went away for the weekend and it was definitely needed; more of them to come for sure. Many things to work on.  Thankyou all for your support.
  • Locksley
    Locksley Member Posts: 978 ✭
    @Molly71 thinking of you. 

    You and the other ladies have explained it perfectly.  I also had a emotional crash after active treatment finished.   I look back and reflect i was in the zone of shock then  getting through treatment pushing forward and then I had crashed and had to heal myself.  It does take time. 

     I try to do the things I enjoy now.  Craft, baking, and taking down time for myself, watching a DVD or movie.  My house isn't as pristine as it once used to be but I let myself do the things I want to do now.  I don't let housework control my day.  I do what I can.
  • Molly71
    Molly71 Member Posts: 21 ✭
    @Locksley, thank you. Yes the emotional crash has come as a surprise, I thought I'd already had that through treatment, but apparently more left to come out and I am know trying to take time to allow myself to heal.
  • Caz1
    Caz1 Member Posts: 382 ✭
    @Molly71 hi! Yes , a million times yes, I totally get the running away…….I’m glad you had the weekend away, and hopefully you can schedule more of that  :)  Otherwise lots of self care as Locksley suggested. Caz xx  
  • Christabel03
    Christabel03 Member Posts: 80 ✭
    Hello to you @Molly71 absolutely yes. I am the first person to put my hand up and say since the end of active treatment I completely have lost my way. I feel like I have been set adrift without an anchor and I am just treading water trying to figure it all out. I am back to work a couple of days and back into swimming and yoga etc but it all feels like a band aid if I am honest. 
    I talk with other people about this and this part of the whole cancer journey and I feel like this is where it seems like you need the most support, but there doesn't seem to be that much. But this part is so hard to navigate because it is like being set free from the only security blanket you have know all through treatment. I also find that I seem to be putting pressure on myself to "do better" or "get it more together" because that is the general thought process of others, that the treatment is over so you must be ok. But I am really not ok and figuring out who I am now and actually processing the trauma of what the past 15 months has looked like for me is actually really damn hard. It's taking a lot of counselling and basically just trying to understand that this version of me is all I can be right now.  They tell me it will get better and I do have hope it will. 
    I feel for you, I am sure there is many of us that know these feelings only too well. Please take care xx 
  • Molly71
    Molly71 Member Posts: 21 ✭
    Hi @Caz1; yes need to get away more. Thankyou
    Hi @Christabel03, thank you. Yes I do hope it will get a little better. I have my first Mammo and US since treatment in a months time, so I think this is not helping at all. 
  • Caz1
    Caz1 Member Posts: 382 ✭
    edited March 2023
    @Molly71 Oh yeah, scanxiety is definitely a thing.  :(
    I remember it’s been a strange feeling being at the end of treatment and feeling like you are on your own. It gives you time to look at your life which is totally changed. It’s very strange.  It’s early days for you, things will settle . It’s great that you have got back into a health routine with yoga etc. Keep going! 
     Just take things one day at a time, and if that is hard, one hour at a time. 
    Sending hugs 
    Caz x
  • Ella08
    Ella08 Member Posts: 6 ✭
    @Molly71 yes I hear you. I’m four months past radiation treatment and feel like I want to step out of this life where everything/everyone around me is pretty much the same and I feel like I am in a new skin. I really don’t want to be back at work, prefer being by myself even though I am still seeing the important people in my life and am just trying to take things one day at a time atm. My dog, being in nature and swimming laps are the best things for me right now, however I’m aware not to isolate myself too much. I’ve been told I am basically a very short way into the post-cancer adjustment period, so that kind of helped. Best wishes to you and all who are going through this very peculiar and unsettling experience. ❤️ 
  • wendy55
    wendy55 Member Posts: 774 ✭
    hi @Molly71,
    just thought i would jump in to say that everything the lovely ladies have posted is so absolutely true,i cant really add much more as its all been covered, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone,I beleive in the saying "this too will pass" and it does, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, or if you want watching your favouite tv show/movie and a box of chocolates always helps I find, take care,
    be gentle on yourself, you are the one that matters,

    wendy55

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