Roller-coaster of a Ride - Sad, Scared and feeling paraysed

Molly71

So I had my second surgery on June 21 - re-excision and full node clearance. They cleaned up the tumour (found a bit more) and one more node was positive (all up 5 from 27 were no good - a bit sad). I had just come to terms with my Stage 3, Grade 3 dx., when this week, when I saw the oncologist for the first time, he questioned the previous CT report. The CT from ~ 6 weeks ago showed a couple of small benign liver spots - and the report indicated no evidence metastatic disease - a relief.  However, when I saw the oncologist this week he said he was more concerned  about the spots and his expression and face made me feel doomed. I am having US later next week on Liver. My brain has now gone into overdrive and to the worse case scenario and I feel paralysed. After accepting my Stage 3a, grade 3 dx. it could now be worse. I know worrying doesn't change anything and worry steels the joy from today, but its so hard to now go back to waiting and what this will mean for the future. I am starting Chemo this week, which I was planning to do, as I had already made the decision to throw the kitchen sink at the stage 3 dx., and I had set my brain up to prepare for this, now this "new" thing is messing really really badly with me. I am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. 10 weeks ago I was swimming 10kms a week, lifting weights 3-4 days a week, working full-time, getting ready to apply for a job promotion and enjoying life with my Husband and Dog. How at 51 did I end up here? Having BC was always one of my fears and now I am here. I have organised a counsellor for next week, but I feel like I am crying constantly. I feel physically fit and healthy, how can I (any of us) have this shitty disease. I am still exercising, which I have always loved, but it's even hard to get focussed to do this. My husband is positive which is great, but I'm still sad and scared of what's to come. I just needed to write this down, and I know many here understand. 

AllyJay

I hear you @Molly71...I hear your fear and anxiety and there are no words I can write which will alleviate this for you. I understand the continually shifting goalposts which are so very common to many people with this nightmare which is cancer. I can only say that I understand, and until you get further clarification, your uncertainty about your future will remain. At the beginning of my personal shitfest, I had a broken rib which initially was of concern...was it just a crappy rib from osteoporosis, or something more sinister??? Also, there was a 'whatsit' on one lung...again something horrible or just scarring from a previous infection or similar??? Well, that was back in 2016 and I can say with relief that the rib healed and the lung lesion is just as it was then, so obviously just an incidental finding. I hope yours is too. Big hug...Ally.

TonyaM

Hi @Molly71,
We,here at the network, know only too well that sick,anxious feeling of the unknown.The rug has been pulled from under you again. Because we have’cancer’ stamped on our foreheads, the docs are going to test more and dig deeper.This is kind of a good thing but it messes with our head for sure.It’s probably nothing but we immediately jump to cancer and I think that’s our body’s mechanism of preparing us for the worst. Life changes in heartbeat doesn’t it and the crazy thing is that you feel great when you have bc but you sure feel crap once they cut it out! Big hug xx

Julez1958

Hi @Molly71
i too can relate.
I had “ something suspicious” on my liver on a scan but it turned out to be benign tiny lesions.
But then I had a PETScan which showed “something suspicious” on my thyroid - turned out to be a very small completely unrelated cancer which the thyroid specialist said probably would have turned into a lump 5 or even 10 years later.
I had my thyroid removed a couple is months after my mastectomy.
Luckily there was no cancer in my lymph nodes ( I had a petscan due to the size of my tumour 5.5 cm but very slow growing) so all my catastrophic ing about metastatic stage 4 cancer were uncalled for.
But in those few weeks ( seemed like an eternity) I was a nervous wreck even though most people would say I was very resilient.
The feelings are perfectly natural and despite being surrounded by all the loved ones  in the world ( my husband was a complete rock)  extremely lonely.
I hope the time passes soon enough for  you and the news is good.

Zoffiel

@Molly71 it's probably cold comfort, but many of us have felt the same. Like the grief of losing a loved one, we mourn the lives we had and see uncertainty in our futures. It's a common feeling but each of us experiences it differently.

Don't give up on your old life just yet. There is every chance you will be able to retain a degree of normal. Certainly no reason to expect you will have to give up exercise, though you may have to treat yourself as if you have an injury on occassions.

Oncologists are strange beasts; often on the spectrum to the point they are shithouse communicators. We want them to be thorough, so it's not a bad thing yours has second guessed someone else's opinion.

Hang in there, keep plodding forward. As you've learned, it is a changing landscape so you have to go with the flow to a point. Mxx

Cath62

Sending big hugs to you 💐

VJC1

Molly71 said:

So I had my second surgery on June 21 - re-excision and full node clearance. They cleaned up the tumour (found a bit more) and one more node was positive (all up 5 from 27 were no good - a bit sad). I had just come to terms with my Stage 3, Grade 3 dx., when this week, when I saw the oncologist for the first time, he questioned the previous CT report. The CT from ~ 6 weeks ago showed a couple of small benign liver spots - and the report indicated no evidence metastatic disease - a relief.  However, when I saw the oncologist this week he said he was more concerned  about the spots and his expression and face made me feel doomed. I am having US later next week on Liver. My brain has now gone into overdrive and to the worse case scenario and I feel paralysed. After accepting my Stage 3a, grade 3 dx. it could now be worse. I know worrying doesn't change anything and worry steels the joy from today, but its so hard to now go back to waiting and what this will mean for the future. I am starting Chemo this week, which I was planning to do, as I had already made the decision to throw the kitchen sink at the stage 3 dx., and I had set my brain up to prepare for this, now this "new" thing is messing really really badly with me. I am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. 10 weeks ago I was swimming 10kms a week, lifting weights 3-4 days a week, working full-time, getting ready to apply for a job promotion and enjoying life with my Husband and Dog. How at 51 did I end up here? Having BC was always one of my fears and now I am here. I have organised a counsellor for next week, but I feel like I am crying constantly. I feel physically fit and healthy, how can I (any of us) have this shitty disease. I am still exercising, which I have always loved, but it's even hard to get focussed to do this. My husband is positive which is great, but I'm still sad and scared of what's to come. I just needed to write this down, and I know many here understand. 

Hello Molly71 
You’re not alone, everything you describe emotionally is also how I feel right now. Newly diagnosed, and the waiting, and fear is difficult. My journey started on May 25th. Previously jogging, playing tennis March/April, 
What I found has helped over the last few weeks, is some meditation to settle my mind, to contain the overthinking.  Cancer council has some free body scan, breathing sessions which I’ve saved in my ‘notes’ to access easily, and they are free,  or find an app at your discretion.  The meditation activity/experience (15-20mins) gives me some inner strength to focus on something else for a period, once I made time to rest and listen to the meditation guidance. I get up feeling more empowered to do some other activities and not overthink, which leads to all the ifs, which lead to fear and sadness. Stay in the day for what it is today.  

Hug to you from me