Roller-coaster of a Ride - Sad, Scared and feeling paraysed
So I had my second surgery on June 21 - re-excision and full node clearance. They cleaned up the tumour (found a bit more) and one more node was positive (all up 5 from 27 were no good - a bit sad). I had just come to terms with my Stage 3, Grade 3 dx., when this week, when I saw the oncologist for the first time, he questioned the previous CT report. The CT from ~ 6 weeks ago showed a couple of small benign liver spots - and the report indicated no evidence metastatic disease - a relief. However, when I saw the oncologist this week he said he was more concerned about the spots and his expression and face made me feel doomed. I am having US later next week on Liver. My brain has now gone into overdrive and to the worse case scenario and I feel paralysed. After accepting my Stage 3a, grade 3 dx. it could now be worse. I know worrying doesn't change anything and worry steels the joy from today, but its so hard to now go back to waiting and what this will mean for the future. I am starting Chemo this week, which I was planning to do, as I had already made the decision to throw the kitchen sink at the stage 3 dx., and I had set my brain up to prepare for this, now this "new" thing is messing really really badly with me. I am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. 10 weeks ago I was swimming 10kms a week, lifting weights 3-4 days a week, working full-time, getting ready to apply for a job promotion and enjoying life with my Husband and Dog. How at 51 did I end up here? Having BC was always one of my fears and now I am here. I have organised a counsellor for next week, but I feel like I am crying constantly. I feel physically fit and healthy, how can I (any of us) have this shitty disease. I am still exercising, which I have always loved, but it's even hard to get focussed to do this. My husband is positive which is great, but I'm still sad and scared of what's to come. I just needed to write this down, and I know many here understand.
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