So I had my second surgery on June 21 - re-excision and full node clearance. They cleaned up the tumour (found a bit more) and one more node was positive (all up 5 from 27 were no good - a bit sad). I had just come to terms with my Stage 3, Grade 3 dx., when this week, when I saw the oncologist for the first time, he questioned the previous CT report. The CT from ~ 6 weeks ago showed a couple of small benign liver spots - and the report indicated no evidence metastatic disease - a relief. However, when I saw the oncologist this week he said he was more concerned about the spots and his expression and face made me feel doomed. I am having US later next week on Liver. My brain has now gone into overdrive and to the worse case scenario and I feel paralysed. After accepting my Stage 3a, grade 3 dx. it could now be worse. I know worrying doesn't change anything and worry steels the joy from today, but its so hard to now go back to waiting and what this will mean for the future. I am starting Chemo this week, which I was planning to do, as I had already made the decision to throw the kitchen sink at the stage 3 dx., and I had set my brain up to prepare for this, now this "new" thing is messing really really badly with me. I am trying to stay positive but it is so hard. 10 weeks ago I was swimming 10kms a week, lifting weights 3-4 days a week, working full-time, getting ready to apply for a job promotion and enjoying life with my Husband and Dog. How at 51 did I end up here? Having BC was always one of my fears and now I am here. I have organised a counsellor for next week, but I feel like I am crying constantly. I feel physically fit and healthy, how can I (any of us) have this shitty disease. I am still exercising, which I have always loved, but it's even hard to get focussed to do this. My husband is positive which is great, but I'm still sad and scared of what's to come. I just needed to write this down, and I know many here understand.
Hello Molly71
You’re not alone, everything you describe emotionally is also how I feel right now. Newly diagnosed, and the waiting, and fear is difficult. My journey started on May 25th. Previously jogging, playing tennis March/April,
What I found has helped over the last few weeks, is some meditation to settle my mind, to contain the overthinking. Cancer council has some free body scan, breathing sessions which I’ve saved in my ‘notes’ to access easily, and they are free, or find an app at your discretion. The meditation activity/experience (15-20mins) gives me some inner strength to focus on something else for a period, once I made time to rest and listen to the meditation guidance. I get up feeling more empowered to do some other activities and not overthink, which leads to all the ifs, which lead to fear and sadness. Stay in the day for what it is today.
Hug to you from me
