Despair

Hello. Have had surgery and will start radiotherapy on the 19th June and estrogen blocker for 5 years. Had Asperger's Syndrome and depression already. I'm 53 and after an horrendous life filled with cruelty I thought I would get through this easily as it is not the worst thing that has happened to me. No. I am numb, have developed a hatred for men and spend every day fighting off suicidal thoughts. I know I will get through however I am seeing myself from an out of body sort of sensation where I feel as though someone else has taken over. I feel like an entirely different person and am aware that I am developing some kind of disassociative personality disorder. Autism is exhausting and this on top of it is like being buried alive. I don't want to add to anyone's depression but I really have nothing left to give. I don't know what else to do.
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Welcome to this group. There are many lovely people who understand the difficulty of a breast cancer diagnosis, treatments and emotions around it.
Noone will judge you here.
How have you come through your surgery? What did you have? Maybe talking a bit about it will help.
It is a lot to deal with but you are in the right place. Everyone struggles from time to time but things can get better.
Hugs to you x
ive started hormone blockers already, but will stop them for the radiotherapy and then start again. They are not too bad! I haven’t had any real trouble with them at all.
The whole breast cancer thing seems surreal - it hits so suddenly and it’s hard to adjust/believe it’s happening to us. It makes sense you would feel dissociated, especially if you are a very sensitive and/or traumatised person already.
have you got a mental health plan or a psychologist or psychiatrist to help you?
there are lots and lots of resources to help ladies with breast cancer...including this site where the community is fantastic...
How does your Aspergers affect you?
feel free to talk to us anytime about anything, ok?
🤗❤️❤️😘
As @Halla suggests, now is the time to contact your psychologist or psychiatrist. Many people who experience cancer, including those with no prior emotional or mental stressors, can have significant emotional reactions. Even those who feel they are handling the diagnosis and treatment well. You will get through it but you will do much better getting the help you need and deserve. Best wishes.
Many of us have had very hard lives and our animals really are our best friends. If you would like to check out some of our 'furry kids' go to: https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/comment/92526#Comment_92526 or if that link does not work just put 'pets' in the search bar and it will come up. (I am not great with technology).
If you can chat with a counsellor of some sort that may be very helpful, although with your condition you may not find that easy ? Perhaps call the BCNA or Cancer Council help lines.
Remember you are not alone in how you are feeling and you will be in the thoughts of many of us. Keep in touch and vent on here anytime .
All the best 💖
After an hour in most hospitals I'm trying to hide in the loo to get away from shrieking children, mindless announcements and relentless scurrying . Problem is, it really stinks in there, so then I try to talk the door bitch into letting me wait outside suggesting they can ring me when it's my turn for whatever horrible fucking thing I'm there for. Answer is always 'no'
It would be lovely to experience something less challenging. So glad you've found a more sympathetic place.