Stoic? Why? Venting

I'll say straight up that this is a vent. I don't think it would go down well in other places and might not here, either. I'm sick of hearing how strong and stoic those with cancer are, or are expected to be. If someone has cancer and is suffering pain, etc from it or from treatment, and not complaining, they are held up as some shining example of how to be. To the point that it feels like talking about the cancer or the side effects is somehow bad form and you are letting the side down. Bullshit! I'm sick of it. I don't know if it's because people are scared of the disease or find it distasteful or boring to hear about but I'm not playing that game anymore. And I don't care if such and such was so brave and never said a word about their suffering. Maybe the reality needs to be seen and understood. No, I can't do that because it hurts too much due to treatment. No, I can't manage that because I get too bloody tired due to treatment. Etc. And I'm sorry that I can't do what is expected of every other parent or worker but stop trying to make me feel guilty or difficult. I'm not whingeing and I'm weary of feeling that I am just because I'm being honest. I'm not expecting anyone to be able to sort it (except hopefully, the researchers). But I do need people to recognise that just because I'm back in the real world it does not mean that the fairy godmother has waved her wand and made it all disappear. And I do know I'm not the only one.
So, maybe let's stop holding the stoic up as some sort of shining light.
Okay - vent over.
So, maybe let's stop holding the stoic up as some sort of shining light.
Okay - vent over.
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Vent away my dear, and let’s be more vocal so we can stop being walked all over just to avoid hearing “Geez you complain a lot” 🙄.
A general comment when people meet up is how are you! It's a greeting that they don't necessarily expect a response.
I'm stoic and it is who I am.
Vent away at how you feel but don't put down stoicism
When people ask me how I am going .... are you OK? I say "I'm good but my body is stuffed from the cancer meds." If they want to ask about that comment - I will enlarge upon it.
I used to walk everywhere 'fast' .... now it is a stumble. I find that I am no longer able to 'stand tall' - I am slightly hunched over, leaning forward, which is really annoying as it also makes you less stable. Getting in & out of the car is an interesting activity ..... thank God no-one (that i know of) have their videos going!
At least, since I've been on 'the good oil' my hands and feet are not as sore/stiff as they used to be from the AIs.
I can't, and won't, do anything more challenging than lie in the bath after I get home from work. I refuse to apologise. I've given up saying sorry unless I genuinely am; someone's disappointed with me? 95% of the time I just don't care. I do my job to the best of my ability and that's all I can do. My social life is in the crapper, but it's work or play. I can no longer do both.
Stoic is a not a word I'd apply to myself. Oddly, I've been described as such by those who don't realise my acceptance of procedures or circumstances has nothing to do with stoicism. I'm either too exhausted to fight any more, or I'm certain that if I move so much as a muscle or open my mouth I will absolutely lose the fucking plot and get dragged away in the van.
Some people are uncomfortable and only want to hear positivity. I said i wished for hair for xmas recently on fb group of friends and one friend replied that there is always someone worse off. She then posted a link to soneone who had the lower half of their body amputated. My first thought was about sensitivity and response to what was really a gee it would be nice to have hair comment. My second thought was that is a very extreme example and is that what beats my situation. She wrote something like. We know you are suffering most out of our group. What i perceived is that i was thought to be whinging. You have to be able to communicate things and you should be allowed to whinge. I said the same. I dont need my problems solved listening is all that is required
I tell my kids, dont bother asking for friends over on chemo day, I cant go to big shopping centres on weekends so think ahead what you need, ask your dad to ferry you around if im appearing unwell.
May you have a better day tomorrow. 😊
Its ok to vent! I think there are a few things going on here.
Firstly, unless you have had breast cancer, you can’t ever REALLY understand what a person with BC is going through.
Secondly, when can you say you “ had” BC.Is it when you have had your surgery , chemo and radiotherapy?What if you are hormone positive and are taking the tablets for 5 years , maybe more?
Fourthly, following on from that point, most people have no idea what is involved with surgery and treatment , I know I didn’t.I was completely shocked with the level of pain I felt following the mastectomy and how the painkillers mucked with my head ( not to mention the general cognitive impairment from the shock and emotional turmoil of diagnosis).So when they expect you to have “ bounced back” after surgery or other treatment, it’s hard not to want to punch them.
I also think a lot of people are very private and don’t want to draw attention to their BC , so this helps perpetuate the view amongst some that people who talk about their problems with BC are malingerers/ whingers.
I actually liken a diagnosis of BC to grieving the loss of a loved one , and no one ever asks you to be “ positive” about that.
it is great that this network exists for venting, supporting, informing , chatting and just “ being”.
I don't have emotional support, and now cannot be bothered much with many people these days.
Above all, it is our loved ones that matter and what they think, the rest can just have their opinions of us and we can try not to take on board their crap of whether we are considered stoic, strong, a warrior, brave or whatever adjective they want to attach to people. I hardly complained to be honest, because I would get a comeback with the person complaining about having a broken fingernail and needed another manicure soon. I can't relate to that, but I smile and keep quiet.
It is all very exhausting.
Thank you for listening to my rant and for the support.