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Sister's avatar
Sister
Member
5 years ago

Stoic? Why? Venting

I'll say straight up that this is a vent.  I don't think it would go down well in other places and might not here, either.  I'm sick of hearing how strong and stoic those with cancer are, or are expected to be.  If someone has cancer and is suffering pain, etc from it or from treatment, and not complaining, they are held up as some shining example of how to be.  To the point that it feels like talking about the cancer or the side effects is somehow bad form and you are letting the side down.  Bullshit!  I'm sick of it.  I don't know if it's because people are scared of the disease or find it distasteful or boring to hear about but I'm not playing that game anymore.  And I don't care if such and such was so brave and never said a word about their suffering.  Maybe the reality needs to be seen and understood.  No, I can't do that because it hurts too much due to treatment.  No, I can't manage that because I get too bloody tired due to treatment.  Etc.  And I'm sorry that I can't do what is expected of every other parent or worker but stop trying to make me feel guilty or difficult.  I'm not whingeing and I'm weary of feeling that I am just because I'm being honest.  I'm not expecting anyone to be able to sort it (except hopefully, the researchers).  But I do need people to recognise that just because I'm back in the real world it does not mean that the fairy godmother has waved her wand and made it all disappear.  And I do know I'm not the only one.  

So, maybe let's stop holding the stoic up as some sort of shining light.

Okay - vent over.
emotions
survivorship

20 Replies

  • Tasia's avatar
    Tasia
    Member
    5 years ago
    I love this discussion - its heart speak, not mind speak. Thank you x

    I cringe when someones vocal chords have mastered the - how are you question? feeling better? 
    Followed by ʻjust be positiveʻ ʻyou have to fight this there are people in worse situationʻ ʻI know, I knowʻ
    Followed by a barrage of their unwellness stories ʻsore neckʻ ʻheadacheʻ ʻtired from workʻ 

    I have minimal tolerance these days and shut down. Itʻs not that I am disinterested or do not empathise however, I do think please spare me!
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    5 years ago
    @sister none of us are less worthy. We may be damaged, broken, staggering in circles, exhausted, confused and generally battle weary, but anyone who thinks they can do better .... Ah, I can't wish misfortune on anyone, it's bad karma. Or something. 
    If they had to walk a mile in our shoes, there would be a terrible sooking of the la-las. Trudge 500 miles, then they might get it. Mxx
  • kamada's avatar
    kamada
    Member
    5 years ago
    Hear you @Sister! I ended up almost resenting being told how well I was coping and how positive I was etc etc. Even though I knew it was well meaning and meant as encouragement I started to feel I always had to present myself in the strongest possible light.  Yes there were times when I did feel stoic or brave or lucky or whatever but there were also times when I was so resentful or scared or feeling absolutely shitty but I ended up not giving an honest response even when what I really wanted was a shoulder to cry it all out on because I didn’t want to seen as weak or not coping. I have learnt that reactions are complex and at times contradictory when dealing with such long treatments and side effects etc and I agree with the others that until you are in a situation you can’t truly understand no matter how hard you try to emphasise. It is such a blessing to have this place where there is no barrier to laying it all out in the open knowing you are surrounded by those who offer nothing but understanding and support with no judgement so get out there and to hell with other people’s opinions or judgements. 😘

  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    5 years ago
    I do try not to have to explain more than once.  I do try to do as much as I can (eg. happy to help with that extra event in the morning but don't put me on afternoons, etc).  I know that people don't really want to know and that's fine.  I just want to not be judged as somehow less worthy.

    Thank you for listening to my rant and for the support.
  • Keeping_positiv's avatar
    Keeping_positiv
    Member
    5 years ago
    @Sister I was never sure why some people wanted to tell me of some "superwoman" who never complained, and as they looked me squarely in the face and could see I looked like death warmed up at times when I was having my chemo treatment. 

    I don't have emotional support, and now cannot be bothered much with many people these days. 

    Above all, it is our loved ones that matter and what they think, the rest can just have their opinions of us and we can try not to take on board their crap of whether we are considered stoic, strong, a warrior, brave or whatever adjective they want to attach to people.  I hardly complained to be honest, because I would get a comeback with the person complaining about having a broken fingernail and needed another manicure soon.  I can't relate to that, but I smile and keep quiet.  

    It is all very exhausting. 
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    5 years ago
    Aye, @Ecup2020. My desire to punch/slap/trip / blowtorch idiots has increased at about the same rate my ability to effectively do it has decreased. It was a gift now past...

  • Ecup2020's avatar
    Ecup2020
    Member
    5 years ago
    Hi sister,
    Its ok to vent! I think there are a few things going on here.
    Firstly, unless you have had breast cancer, you can’t ever REALLY understand what a person with BC is going through.
    Secondly, when can you say you “ had” BC.Is it when you have had your surgery , chemo and radiotherapy?What if you are hormone positive and are taking the tablets for 5 years , maybe more? 
    Thirdly, because non BC people don’t know exactly what we are going through, sometimes they don’t know what to say or do and their comments may come across as clumsy , inappropriate , thoughtless or in extreme cases, cruel.I had a single mastectomy and a person I thought was a friend said “ why didn’t you get the other one off “.I actually said “ because I’m an optimist”. After that I went home and did a bit more crying.
    Fourthly, following on from that point, most people have no idea what is involved with surgery and treatment , I know I didn’t.I was completely shocked with the level of pain I felt following the mastectomy and how the painkillers mucked with my head ( not to mention  the general cognitive impairment from the shock and emotional turmoil of diagnosis).So when they expect you to have “ bounced back” after surgery or other treatment, it’s hard not to want to punch them.
    Fifthly, I think it’s ok to say “ I’m not well and I can’t do that “ , I have learnt to say “ no” to a whole lot of things and felt absolutely zero guilt about it.IP
    I also think  a lot of people are very private and don’t want to draw attention to their BC  , so this helps perpetuate the view amongst some that people who talk about their problems with BC are malingerers/ whingers.
    Everyone is different but that doesn’t make it any easier when people expect you to “be positive “ when you are grieving about your earlier cancer free self.
     I actually liken a diagnosis of BC  to grieving the loss of a loved one , and no one ever asks you to be “ positive” about that.
    it is great that this network exists for venting, supporting, informing , chatting and just “ being”.

  • Dory65's avatar
    Dory65
    Member
    5 years ago
    Agreed @Sister. Putting a BS 'positive spin' on everything - or the nauseating practice of 'gratitude' no matter what - is just glib and superficial. Call a spade a spade.