Just need some feeling of hope

Prime time

hi ladies, not posted for a little while.

had first chemo and had some side effects and then an abcess on my tooth which made me neutrophenic so hospital stay!

ive been feeling very low and just feel like there’s no hope for me, like I can’t beat this. I’m stage 3, ER/PR - Her2 + wasn’t th lymph node involvement (including a collarbone lymph) and I can’t stop thinking that because I’m having neoadjuvant chemo and started 5 weeks post diagnosis I’ve been put at risk and like I’m not going to beat this. 

Im scared and worried that in that time it’s just got worse I really need some feeling of there is light at the end of this tunnel.

any comments would be appreciated 

x

Polly Rose

Hi Prime Time
I had neoadjuvant chemo too and was scared beyond belief as I could still feel the cancer in my breast and my nodes and like you I was worried that it was still spreading. Thankfully some wise women who had walked this path before me reminded me that having the chemo first was a great way to gauge how well the chemo was working. After the first 2 cycles of AC I had another MRI and I was really reassured to find out that the chemo had been killing off the cancer. Like you my cancer was locally advanced and I was worried about where else in my body it might already have been but when I found out that the chemo was working I felt encouraged to know that it was working throughout my whole body.
It is understandable that you would be finding this overwhelming and it can be difficult to focus on what is really important. One helpful piece of advice that another cancer survivor told me was to try to pick one aspect of everyday to make a focus. It could be to have a coffee with a friend, to clean out a cupboard, to watch a movie, to cook your favourite cake, go shopping for a particular gift or just to walk around the block. Whatever you choose to do each day becomes the focus of the day rather than the cancer or treatment. Any appointments you have become something that you fit in around that one thing that you would like to achieve for the day. Although this was not always possible, on the days where I could find another focus I felt better at the end of the day when I could say that I had achieved my aim for that day. Sometimes the small things can help just a little. Being positive is a phrase thrown at us so often during this time but I think it’s also important to try to shift our daily focus to achieve some of the small things and then work through each day one step at a time. No one ever expects to find themselves in this position and there is no right or wrong way to react. This online community is a great source of connection and support so please make sure you stay in touch and let us know how you are travelling. I hope my ramblings make a little bit of sense at this time of night. Take Care 
Polly

AllyJay

Hi there @Prime time ..sorry for the price of the  entry ticket, but welcome. I was diagnosed stage 3 grade 3  multifocal with at least one axilliary node on the  left side. I was also told I was  to have  neoadjuvant chemotherapy, which freaked me out. The thought was  in my head that just because I was older  (58 at the time) and a public patient, I was not a priority. I thought that they were  just putting me on the chemo first because their surgery lists were full, and that this was a way of putting me in a sort  of holding pattern until they could do the surgery. Well my lovely breast care nurse put me  straight on that quick smart!!. She told me that I was in fact considered a young patient and that my natural inclination to have the breast removed soon, that week, that day, right now if possible, was also understandable. She further explained that the cancer in my breast was not going to kill me, but that any cells from the breast which had escaped and gone walkabout, would. These cells were their  priority to eliminate as soon as possible, before the took root and grew. The chemo would, at the same time, work on the cancer in the breast, and shrink it so that when the surgery took place, it would not be as spread out and large within the breast itself. Well I did the six months of chemo, each day feeling like an assassin was living in my left breast and was going to kill me for sure. Then I had the surgery (both given the Big Chop...my choice) and wonder of wonders, the pathology report said that there were no live cancer cells anywhere in the breast or any of the nodes, (had full clearance  on the left and sentinal nodes on the right. All that was left were the empty beds where the tumours had been. I am now two years post diagnosis and fourteen months post surgery and am officially Ned..no evidence of disease. Sending the biggest hug. ((( hug ))).

arpie

@Prime time, I am so sorry that you've had some troubles with the abscess .... that was extremely unfortunate.

The  use of Chemo, Surgery, Chemo has been around for a decade or more - as the ladies above have said, one of the best ways to hit the rogue cells that may have already 'left the room'.  So THEY are targeted with the first lot of chemo  - not only to hit & destroy THEM - but to hopefully reduce the tumours as well prior to surgery.

When my husband was diagnosed with aggressive stomach cancer in 2010 - the Chemo/Surgery/Chemo regime is what was supposed to happen to him, but his tumour was blocking food exiting from his stomach, so they had to omit the first lot of chemo & just do the surgery & follow up chemo as he was too thin and was actually mal nourished (weighing in at just 50kg.)  I was scared shitless, thinking he was going to die - as having read up on it & spoken with a buddy in the US who was a colon cancer specialist who said it was really really serious ... 75% don't usually survive 5 years with many of those not surviving 2 years.  He went on to make a remarkable recovery & is still with me today - eating full meals after 6 months & going back to competing in Triathlons, his main love just 6 months after finishing chemo. He even went back to competing and winning in Triathlon World Championships around the world again!  He was 75 at the time.  You can read his story here:
https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/18896/doing-what-you-love-to-do-before-during-after-bc-whats-your-favourite/p5

Your mind can really play tricks on you - try not to second guess your treatment - just know that your team is putting together the best treatment possible for your diagnosis.

All the best for your ongoing treatment xxx  I hope you don't hit any other speed humps xxx

primek

Nothing like a dental infection and a hospital stay to make anyone miserable. The fear of what might be can be consuming and can suck the joy right out of life. 
My dear niece had 10 positive nodes and is alive today 14 years on from her treatment. Her pathology was similar to yours.
The beauty with neo adjunctive chemo with a her2+ cancer is you get to have 2 targeted therapies. Something you are not offered with post surgery treatment. So most definitely the decision to start with chemo is a good one.
By week 3 you will start to feel better and the next round of chemo you'll have a white cell booster injection so hopefully it will be a much less traumatic run.
Try to get out the house.
Have lunch out or a cuppa with a friend. Go for a walk if you can. And yes set yourself some mini goals each day...something  simple so you can reflect on that  achievement each day.
Keep checking in here....there's always someone on line.