Started swearing!

Lisa50

Hi to all you amazingly lovely ladies! Was reluctant to share my story but feel I need to even if it is just to rant for some relief!
 I was diagnosed 2nd Dec with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma grade 2 following a routine mammogram. What a whirlwind! I thought the Dr was talking to 'someone else'..I have had so many emotions since. After reading others posts, I feel slightly 'normal'
The main emotions are anger & sadness. I have tried to do all the right things with my health (all natural products, etc) no family history so it really was a shock. I am struggling with the person I am at the moment..I have always been an upbeat, positive, bubbly person but now am moody, teary and have started swearing!! Also, to add to my woes, I finished my permanent job a couple of weeks before the diagnoses (they sold the business) and I am currently working as an enrolled nurse casually therefore lost all my sick leave (had 2 sickies in 5.5 years)  bugga!
Ok, that off my chest.. I think I am slowly coming to grips with it as there really is no choice. So I have had all the 'staging' done last week and go back for results of that tomorrow. Then waiting for the lumpectomy/lymph node surgery which is now listed for 10th Jan even though is listed as 'urgent'! Grrr.. Christmas slows everything down. Then there's the ongoing radiotherapy etc. etc. The waiting is definitely the WORST!! I want this thing out of me, get on with it all so I can get on with my life. I know I am an impatient patient!! I know there are thousand's of women who have gone through the same thing..
 Please dont get me wrong.. I am VERY grateful for the medical system we have, they have been very thorough and it is early diagnoses with a good prognosis etc I also have a wonderful husband who is very supportive so for that I am truly grateful. After reading some other ladies stories, it makes me feel i'm being selfish, It certainly helps me not feel so sorry for myself at all. 
I'm sure I will find positiveness through this time (it is NOT a journey, as a journey is usually a pleasant holiday)  lol
It is early days..I hope my next post I will be a bit more upbeat as I find the old Lisa returning!
To all my fellow BC 'sisters', I wish you all the very best and appreciate this great private place where we can all chat. X

Glemmis

Hi Lisa, it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are. It comes as a big shock and I like you, did all the "right" things they say to reduce your risk. I am five months post diagnosis having chemo & still rant, swear, cry a lot in front of total strangers & get very sad. Family are good but don't get it. I still work & exercise so it is more of a mental thing. Waiting for results & plan is very draining, but once you have that you can move forward. There is a lot of support here, best wishes & take care x

Elise1489

Hi @Lisa50,

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnose. My mum was diagnosed with a grade 3 IDC  on the 9th and is booked in for her lumpectomy today. She's chosen to go private due to the waiting at this time of year. We won't get results until 29th December. I hope that amongst all these mixed emotions you're able to surround yourself with friends and family and find a way to get through this horrible WAITING!
Sending lots of best wishes your way,
Amy 

iserbrown

Swear away!  It is the most frustrating thing and such a so and so!  There is a lot of good information on this site so click away and you will find; otherwise the lovely Ann-Marie@BCNA will guide you through!  Take care

rowdy

Hi Lisa welcome to the site it is good that you have found us. We are all here to listen we have all been at the beginning and yes sometimes I think that was the hardest as you just don't know what is ahead and that can be so scary. Feb next year it will be 3 years for me. I get the whole thing about calling it a journey, it has always been my sh.....y trip. Hang in there try and take it one day at a time, vent all you like here

Deanne

Hi @Lisa50
It is such a shock, especially when, as you say, you have always tried to look after your health. I too had always thought I had done the right things, no family history etc. But this disease seems to strike at random unfortunately!

I am 3 1/2 years down the track and so very grateful for all that I have learnt from the wonderful women on here. Have you ordered your BCNA information kit yet? Here is the link if you need it  https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/my-journey-kit/order-my-journey-kit/

Yes they call it a "journey" but I agree it is not my idea of a journey either! I too struggled with what to call my diagnosis and treatment time. In the end I mostly refer to it as "this process". My diagnosis lead to a "process" that included surgery (a mastectomy and partial lymph node removal), chemo, radiation and now anti-hormone therapy due to my cancer being hormone positive.

I am so sorry that you are facing this awful disease too. Go ahead and swear all you need to. We are here anytime you need to let out your anger and sadness. Take care. Deanne xxx

Afraser

If swearing is the worst you do, you will be doing well. Best wishes for your treatment and yes, there are lots of people on this site who can assist/explain/empathise. The language nearly got me at times (now 4 years post diagnosis and doing well). "Brave battlers" is a particular dislike - most of us worked hard at doing what we were told, keeping our veins viable, and our heads more or less in one place. Not being heroes. One pathologist referred to my 'adventure'. I felt like murdering him at the time (mercifully didn't) but I learned to see his point of view over time. Not all adventures are fun. Many are scary. Some take you places you really don't want to be. But you may look back at them (from a safe place and distance) and say that was horrible, but...........I learned a lot/I was surprised at my own strength/I was touched by the love of others/ and so on. Patience with your treatment and impatience to get on with your life sounds like a good mix to me.

Brenda5

Sounds about right time to surgery. It took my GP doctor 2 weeks just to get a hold of the surgeon to plan for surgery and another 3 weeks until the op. I needed two ops. After I had the first one to remove the cancer they found the sentinel lymph node positive so back I went again 3 weeks later to have all my underarm nodes removed but they all tested negative to cancer so we had gotten it all in the first round. Good to be sure though. The journey idea I think is more akin to hiking or something like the Kakoda trail, fraught with trials and tribulations but survival at the end of it all and that's what we all aspire to, survive.

Mira

Hi, regarding what to call this if not a journey ... I called it a dance.  I had a dance with breast cancer.  It grabbed me, swung me around, stood on my foot a couple of times and then we parted into the night.  Now we have the occasional midday meeting on the sly (well, almost)

InkPetal

Any favourite swears? haha

socoda

Hey @Lisa50, Above all else be forgiving to yourself!!! You  didn't choose this disease - it chose you!!! And it's early days yet - you'll get back to being you and being positive, and you are not selfish for feeling angry or sad!! We each deal with the total emotional turmoil that this disease throws our way, we each cope in our own way, whether it be screaming, ranting, raving, crying, swearing or all of the aforementioned  - cope however you can but know we get it. Personally I don't think that swearing when faced with a battle is wrong or incorrect it's just a different form of battle cry - if necessary to be screamed at full voice. Go for it!!! Sending a big battle bear hug!!! Xx Cath

jadziatoo

Hi Lisa, It takes awhile to take it all in. Don't worry, I think we all have sworn about this disease at some time. I am sure you will find your equilibrium eventually.  It can be frustrating having to wait and as you said Christmas slows the process down. Good luck with it all. 

Share

Hi @Lisa50 - welcome to the site - the club that nobody wants to join but all of it's members are so special !

Swearing is the easy part - swear like a trooper if you must. Cry, stamp your feet, punch some pillows - whatever makes you feel better. This is such a huge shock. It does not matter that you keep saying you know you are lucky - it is still like somebody has knocked the wind out of your sails.  

Unfortunately part of being diagnosed with bc means that you hear all kinds of platitudes and phrases - journey (oldie but a goody). I have used the ward tsunami a few times - the first wave hits and you think that is the shock but the waves still keep coming and you are unsure when they are going to stop (if at all).

My best wishes to you and your family for a Merry Christmas. You may not feel like celebrating as you have this hanging over you but all family celebrations are special.

Regards

Sheryl xxx

   

Lisa50

Thank you so much to those who commented, it really has helped me! I feel a bit calmer today.. no swearing in days!
Saw the surgeon for staging results today, mixed outcome. The CT said the lump is 22mm but the U/S said 5mm, so not sure which one to believe! Have to go back and repeat U/S carbon tracking as the 'tattoo' did not show externally..grr! The surgery dates were brought forward a bit to the 5th Jan so it is within the 30-day action plan, so I guess that's few less days to wait. Time is still going too slooow! haha..
Well I will continue to read posts and draw comfort & inspiration from all of the awesomely amazing ladies in the 'same boat'. I want to send you all my very best wishes to you and your loved ones at this very special time and again thank you for your support 
Lisa XX

Lisa50

ps..yes, Deanne, I do have the 'my journey kit' & received my lovely post-op bra & care kit today Whoo-hoo!

primek

Hi and welcome. You will feel so much relief once you have tbe surgery and have the definitive diagnosis, size, grade and treatment plan. Fantastic surgery is brought forward. My MRI showed bigget than the ultrasound  and it was. But all treated much tbe same. Vent all you like. My lump was found this time last year and I wasn't seen by a breast surgeon until 4th Jan as was waiting on biopsy results. It's such a struggle putting on the happy face over Xmas but we get through. Best of luck with your upcoming surgery and treatment.