Ostrich

Irish50

Hi 
Whirlwind doesn't begin to cover it. No family history, first mammogram which I seriously considered not having done and within a month I've had lumpectomy and sentinel nodes taken, bone density, full body scan, both good and now waiting to see if my ovaries need to 'go'. 
I want to be an ostrich and pretend this isn't happening?  Pain post op is a huge surprise. nearly four weeks on and I'm still angry with my body for failing me. I'm tired and so sore, but trying to act as if nothing is wrong. Went back to work full-time less than a week after the op because this thing will not dictate my life.   I may have to rethink that. 
I've got my planning appointment in early Jan and will start radiotherapy on Jan 30. 
Convinced I am not sick, no temp and not vomiting so finding this hard to come to terms with. 
Honestly, I've even considered foregoing the radiotherapy because if they've cut it out, then it's gone, right?   if I feel like this after the op what will I feel like after radiotherapy. Stupid, I know, my girls and hubby would not let that one slide.  
I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I know the prognosis is excellent, no chemo needed but meds for the next 5 years. I just want to close my eyes and wake in 2018. 
No need to reply or comment, this ostrich just needed to vent. Can't do that at home, not this honestly.

primek

Vent away. And  yes very good outcomes  with lumpectomy to mastectomy ...if you have the radiotherapy. That's  best practise. Believe that they offer what they believe you need to rid of this cancer forever, based on many clinical trials. Hope all goes well. 

Scared Mum

If you vent or you need to yell and scream then go ahead all you like this is the group to do so  everyone in here will hear you wrap their arms around you and give you any help you need One step at a time Christmas first then treatment.  
Glad you dont need Chemo Yah!!
Radiotherapy it is tiring because its everyday ugg I suggest you find a chemist that sells Moo Goo Udder Cream its fantastic.
when the ladies are up tomorrow Im sure you will flooded with posts   
Cheers Sue  

nikkid

Totally understand how you're feeling. We have all been there. Sending you big virtual hugs.

(And, if you can, do try to give yourself time to rest and recover and to be kind to yourself  

rowdy

Yes we all want to bury our heads in the sand, but unfortunately we can't.. It is a tough trip no matter what treatment you have. Vent away it does really help we are all here to listen, one day at a time sending you a hug x

iserbrown

Ostrich what a great descrption!  Vent away! So sorry you"ve found yourself in this predicament. We are here to support and offer our coping mechanism.  Try not to push yourself too hard physically and emotionally just roll with it. This is a journey that tests you.
Navigate the site and you'll find discussion that will be of interest. The staff at BCNA will guide you.
Take care from Christine 

Afraser

Keep thinking you are not sick, mind over matter is quite important here. You are not sick, but your body has had a fairly serious malfunction. You will do the radiotherapy because you need another malfunction like a hole in the head. Whether you keep working or not is a personal matter - I went back to work a week after a mastectomy and worked through chemo, BUT I had no fatigue or nausea and work helped me keep up the 'not sick but needing treatment' approach. I also didn't have radiotherapy. Many find some time out very beneficial, if only to get your head around what has happened. Best wishes, it's a long haul but you can get through it! 

adean

Unfortinately it doesnt go away and surprisingly enough the memory will always linger.its not a pleasant trip but try to embrace the good, l know your thinking shit no way but look here is a positive we all replied to you. xxxx

Brenda5

You think the doctors are having you on; that's how I felt. I had to view my own x-rays to believe there even was a cancer there but sure enough there was. Mine was shaped like a black moor goldfish. I didn't have to have radiation but I did have to have 4 rounds of chemo which weren't a whole lot of fun but you do what you have to, to make sure absolutely no cancer cells are floating around waiting to grab onto something more vital like your liver, bones, lungs or brain. Cancer is just crappy but at least we have a chance to beat it in the first round.

Irish50

Thank you ladies.  I guess I just hate feeling so powerless. I'm used to dealing with things head on but with this I'm relying on others. I'm determined to beat it, I just need to change my battle strategies. Think positive, listen to my body and come out the other end stronger. 

Kim R

Knowledge is power! Arm your self with information and take responsibility for your health, you sound like a determined hard worker getting better (sorry you are not sick!) is another job. It is great you don't have to have chemo, radiation is easy and quick just everyday. I didn't feel like I was having any side effects but when it was finished I was very tired but that could have been the chemo and the tamoxifen, hard to know when one side effect finishes and the other starts! You need a sense of humour (and a house keeper) to get though this. I found an all consuming new hobby is good to take your mind off yourself. Rant and rave we all have.

melclarity

@Irish50

I love that Ostrich!!!! I'm 5yrs on from first diagnosis and still feel this way LOL. To go through once was tough enough to come to terms with, the 2nd time 4yrs later, oh boy!!! very difficult in terms of believing there is any Cancer. I don't think it is or was denial at all, it's more like I was never ever unwell in any way, specialists have just said I had it blah blah blah, and this is your treatment, which I found made me incredibly sick and all the while thinking in the back of my mind. Im being treated for something Ive never felt, no lump no nothing, and never been unwell. Its surreal and bizarre! and yet here it is?? and agree, there are no family or friends you can vent or talk to because they just don't get it, the complexity of everything you feel! You'll honestly get through Rads no problems!! more time consuming traveling to it every day 5 days a week than actually being in there, its so quick and simple. All I can say, is I totally get how you feel, and its completely normal! Id just do a day at a time, and one thing at a time. I too was always very determined with doing everything especially back to work etc., but I finally learnt after my 2nd bout last year that work is not important and I will never put it above ME. I need to work, but its on my terms now. Incredibly frustrating at first to give in knowing bodily I couldnt cope anymore. You're not alone, and we all completely understand!!! Know that for certain! Hugs Melinda xo

Irish50

I think the hard part of this for a lot of us is that we didn't feel unwell before our diagnosis.  I wasn't taking any meds, and was able to tick no to t to every medical question they asked me about, heart, allergies, blood, diabetes, smoking, etc, overweight a bit yeah but that was it. 

Today I've turned a page. My 'mutant' is missing, excised from my life. My breast while not as picturesque as previously, still fed two children so I'll keep it in honour of that fact. My radiotherapy will give me the extra something that all of us superheroes with BC need to thrive.  I'm lucky

Pammy46

Omg
the ostrich is how I feel how can we have cancer when we don't feel sick!! I find a lump they find another which I couldn't feel next minute the boobs that fed 3 children are being cut open bruised and battered 
i am one that keeps on going but I didn't realise how much surgery made me tired I think the whole build up to surgery then the trauma to the body takes its toll..
i have learnt very quickly to be kind to myself I will always be a warrior but even warriors need rest x

iserbrown

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HI there @Irish50 - welcome to the forum and yep, this is the right place to vent and ask questions - lots of them.

Each person on this site has either been through or are going through treatment.

For some of us who have secondary cancer, we will never be rid of it.

What defines us though, as hard as it is to believe, is that we are still the same person we were before diagnosis. You are absolutely right in that you have not had "an accident" and felt perfectly well & healthy makes it soooo much harder to come to terms with.

We all get you - ostrich - perfect analogy - stick your head in the sand and it will all go away !!!

Listen to the experts - you go to the dentist for your teeth, mechanics for your car - if they are recommending radiotherapy then run with it ... but that is 6 weeks away. Don't be an ostrich, be Scarlett O'Hara (think about it tomorrow !).

For now, take the time to recover - both mentally from this whole shocking situation and physically from your surgery, keep loving your job (it is such a good distraction, I agree) and spend this special time of year with your loved ones.

You have been shaken to the core but you are still you.

Best wishes to you.

Sheryl xx