The death of the 'other' me?
ScorpionQueen
Member Posts: 768 ✭
Hi Ladies' I am really sorry i haven't been here much and contributed the way I used to....the tables have turned, it's my turn to be down in that abyss, as i have so often referred to it myself......be patient with me...be kind to one another and yourselves....I'll be back on track soon....Promise! Xx
From my Facebook blog - An Ordinary Womans Extraordinary Experience
REST, RECOVER, RESTORE
From my Facebook blog - An Ordinary Womans Extraordinary Experience
REST, RECOVER, RESTORE
What a difference a week can make! I've hit a low, a dark, scary, cry baby low....I was feeling really well last week (until the aftermath of Saturday night! LOL) and now....well let's just say that EVERY little thing is magnified....
My mind is in overdrive.....what if this, what if that.....why this, why that....what now....when......STOP STOP STOP!!!
I have been feeling somewhat 'left out'....not part of the 'real' world....participating in some kind of weird dream, where you stand still and the rest of the crowd goes whizzing by.....
I so desperately want to get back to my 'old life' BEFORE breast cancer.....where I had my hair, and yes, (I thought I would never say this), my boobs! I miss the way I used to look...the clothes I could wear....
I miss the fact that I could get up and just do things, go for a ride on the bike with my hubby....go shopping without having to stop or take someone to help me....just be a regular person going about regular every day things.....be spontaneous! if I know I have a big day or night ahead, I have to have a rest for God's sake, so I have the energy to get through that event!
Am I at the grieving stage of my experience? I have read that you grieve and it's part of the healing process....you grieve for what was....If it is I don't like it ...not one bit!.....it HURTS....it's LONELY....my heart is aching and my mind is fighting to stay rational.....
I feel like someone has died....
.....maybe that someone is ME .....the ME before breast cancer....so do I close my eyes and hang on as this rollercoaster takes me down it's steep descent once again? The short answer is YES...
I have no choice but to sit tight and hang on .....no choice but to ride this out.....no choice but to hope I come out the other side with a clear mind and a happy heart once again....
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Comments
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ScorpionQueen .. Today you are allowed to feel this way, tomorrow is a new day, but today, just, grieve ... We all need time to reflect, recharge and regroup ourselves ... You are amazing, you will find you again, we all change every day from who we were to who we are today. This is a newer, more knowledgeable you, stronger you, more compassionate you .... Curl up in a ball and cry your eyes out, because while you're curled up you are cuddling yourself, and when you are lonely nothing can beat a hug .... Sending virtual hugs your way ... Don't Forget To Love You x x2
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For me the hardest part of this whole ordeal was the weeks and months after treatment had finished, for all the reasons you have so eloquently expressed. During treatment time was taken up with the endless rounds of appointments, scans, procedures etc and although it was rough going through those months of treatment, I wasn't prepared for how sad and angry I was afterwards. I was clutching for a "new normal" that wasn't too different from my old normal and finding it hard to come to terms with the person I was looking at in the mirror - I was physically reconstructed but emotionally torn apart. I needed time (and lots of it) to grieve and to try and process all that had happened. It is still early days for you but I promise you, you will get there. Keep writing, it all helps. Hugs, Jane xx0
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Well @ScorpionQueen, as totally abnormal as this whole bc experience is, your feelings sound so totally "normal" !
Whether you want to laugh, cry, scream, yell, grieve or all of those things together - go for it. If it is just for today, a week, a month - however long it takes for you to feel "you" again - will happen in it's own time.
For most people, and I was certainly one of them, we set goals in life. I set myself many bc goals and found that as I got over each hurdle that would be a little win (I had to give it some positive spin). I can certainly relate to how you are feeling - you steel yourself for the long ride ahead - "I'll just get through the operation", "I'll just get through chemo", "Last round of chemo" etc etc.
Nobody tells you about the "then what ....."
To be told you are sick is one thing but to have fears about the if's, why's and what's (they always come in the middle of the night !) but to also have your independence whisked away is just so confronting. After all, you don't need babysitting but sometimes feel as though your well meaning and fabulous loved ones are always keeping a watchful eye on you !
Your new self is just as awesome as your old self and I am sending a big hug, love and light to you as it is now our turn to give back to you today.
Sheryl xxx
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It will get better! Part of that will be letting go the overwhelming need to go back to normal (none of us can go back in time, we can only go forward) and realise that we don't lose the old "me", we just refine it a bit and that might actually be good. Grieving is necessary but so is consciously doing things that bring pleasure, that make you laugh. They will be little things at first, trivial even, but you need to rebuild the habit of good feelings, to overcome the feelings of tiredness and numbness. Being strong can be exhausting, so don't ignore the healing power of tears and a scream or two!! Then do something really enjoyable. Take care.0
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OOooOOoooOoweeeeeeOOowooowoOOoooOOWeeeeee0
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That is the sound of good vibes, comin' atcha!1
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WoooOooOOoOooOo WeeeEEEooooooOOoOoeeee *wiggles fingers*0
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The finger wiggling helps with vibe transportation. *wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle yeah*1
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I can so relate to this. I have my 'speed bump' moments too. It is the most horrible thing to have to experience. The longing for the old you the trying to make sense of all that the new you brings and to have to cope with all the challenges when our reserves are empty and our tolleration limits are low. No one else gets this as good as others who goes through this. We hear ya chicky, hang in there the sun is still shining behind that very dark cloud. Love xxxx
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Oh ScorpionQueen. It will get better. I promise. I hit my own rock bottom a month ago and since then the only way is up. Hang in there. Rest, recover, recuperate. Sending you heaps of hugs and strength.0
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Hi read this and I see and I see myself. It is a tough trip. My daughter was home in October and we had a chat, she started to tell me how horrible I was to be around last Christmas. My heart broke because I thought I was hiding it from her.( She lives overseas and had come home) I knew how bad I was and went back to my counsellor.
I said to her why didn't you say something to me and she said mum you have just gone through treatment and when you were doing that you were pushing forward and just doing it, now that it is finished you are looking back and thinking holy crap it has been tough now I can breathe.
It will be 3 years for me next Feb and I'm still healing. Life is different so much has changed I'm now trying to take lots of leave from work and trying to put me first.
My motto is today is another day and I try to make the most of each day.
Don't be so hard on yourself listen I can her Inkpetal good vibes coming trough WooooooooWeeeeeeOOOeeee xxx0 -
After being on the treatment merry-go-round and cancer being all consuming it is very natural after all treatments are finished, to feel a little lost and alone. It does take several weeks or even months to get yourself in to some semblance of you again. Take it steady and just enjoy "life" for now. Its a hellova nice blessing to have.
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It's only a short time since treatment finished. Your body is still recovering. Honour that need for it to take time to heal. You will. Mentally and emotionally we need time to adjust to our physical change and our mental change on how we see the world. I am still under active treatment until next year. My life is still planned around surgeries and infusions. It will seem strange not to do that. Bit by bit I am returning to my old life. But very slowly. My foggy head only cleared when I started on optifast to try and shed the 19kg I put on. I can't help but wonder if all those added vitamins in it made the difference. Only now...14kg down, do I feel like I have my body back. It will never be the same. It aches. It's scarred and parts are numb. But it is my body and I will learn to love the new one. I foubd menopause a difficult transitional time...I just didn't feel like me for a time, but slowly my body adapted. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to feel sad. Just plan to do one thing a day that brings you joy and soon you will find your smile and sparkle again. Kath x2
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Time out is the order of the day. Your old self is still there you just can't find her at the moment. Try and be kinder to yourself. Talking writing are all good therapies. Keep writing to release your frustration and more importantly give yourself time to heal. Take care sending you a virtual hug from Christine xx0
and I love it! xx
