A slap to the heart
OK here goes.....
I am the eldest of four.My family has been estranged for a number of years, practically all my life.....My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 14 but she lived in my room for 6 months before she moved out......NOT fun!
I got married without my father walking me down the isle and when my mother actually got to meet my children (at their request I might add) she just stared at them like they were animals in a zoo
Lots happened and years went by without me actually getting to know my adult siblings let alone my parents.
I did keep in touch with my Dad who made the effort when my kids were born even though it wasn't an everyday thing.....In 2009 my Dad got Prostate cancer.....They cured that with brachytherapy, but soon after his PSA started rising again and his bone scan showed the cancer had spread to 90% of his skeleton.....I;m sorry were the Drs words, go home.......I took it upon myself, being the eldest, to take care of him....this wasn't easy as I was the only one who bothered to have an input in his recovery and half way through his ordeal my mother in law contracted pancreatic cancer and I was the one to take her to her appointments, chemo etc too! (I'm not complaining, I would do it all again in a heartbeat) But get this, my sister (who is a nurse I might add) and my brothers took it upon themselves to call me a controlling bitch.....they gave me such a hard time! But not once did they ever come to the party when Dad asked for help....or me for that matter! Sadly my mother in law passed away after a four month battle (it sucked the breath right out of me, she was a mother to me, she taught me how to cook, clean...but that's another story) and my Dads struggle continued for another 12 months...They were my siblings were ok with me once they realised Dad was terminal.....I still did the running around though.. Dad passed in 2013 and then the shit really hit the fan.....but I'm not going into details. All I'll say is thank god I convinced Dad to change his will back to include all of us kids....but that still didn't save me from the selfish, childish barrages I copped form my brothers and sister...I included them in all the preparation for his funeral etc and still it got back to me that I didn't allow them to do anything, that I was like Hitler!......
So that's the short of it until now and no one has been in contact with me since Dads estate went through....Fast forward to December 2015.....My cancer diagnosis....after telling my kids and my extended family and friends....I decided to do the right thing and tell my siblings and my mother. My mother had breast cancer at 31 you see, so I thought my siblings needed to know that now they have a double genetic for breast cancer in the family WRONG!!! My sister (short version) said I would be OK and not to contact her ever again, my brothers didn't even acknowledge it (although my s.i.l did) and my mother started sending me text messages every 3-4 weeks asking how I was... That's fine I thought...I only told them for their medical records and didn't want anything from them really.
Well a little compassion wouldn't have gone astray, I am their sister and daughter after all! I soldiered on through my ops and treatments with the support of my husband's family....Then last week the genetics team at the cancer clinic asked is my mother would give consent to trace her records and possible tissue samples about her cancer to compare to mine? They sent me the appropriate forms. It just so happened that my mum sent me a text a few days later asking how I was...I told her the events of my treatment for that month and then asked her about the genetics consent.
SHE SAID NO! ............NO! My eyes didn't believe what they were seeing and my heart sank. I stared to cry.
I waited a while before I answered and considered why she said no, but I can't make any sense of it. Ok yes, as she stated, it was a hard time of her life and she had no support (and there was nothing like we have nowadays) but they only wanted her name ,D.O.B, the year of her treatment and the hospital she was treated at....So I replied to her it was fine and left it at that.
Well it's not fine! I'm angry that she has denied me this.....What if it meant life or death to me? or this could have an impact on my treatments and an impact for my daughters future...I have many illnesses that she has had and all resulting in the same surgeries and now I have breast cancer! I cannot believe how cold hearted my family are and it astonishes me that your own blood can be so cruel.
So now my Dad is gone I literally have no one of my own blood (besides my kids) to support me or even talk to. My brothers kids were just starting to call me Aunty, before my Dad passed.
I feel so stupid for even thinking that maybe, just maybe my family would come through for me now......what a dumbass. I've always clutched at straws when it came to my own family and now this is the final straw!
I have blocked all of their numbers so I don't feel guilted into talking to them....I will soldier on , like I always have, without them....thank goodness I have my husbands family, they have been there for me no matter what since I was 13 and they are what I consider my blood family....
I will figure the genetics thing out for myself..
Thanks for listening to my ramblings....I feel a little better now I've got it out
Xx
Comments
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You are not alone! Seems most families have their dark side, even the ones who present like the Brady Bunch.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Thank heavens for your husband, his family and your children. They are your family and they love you and support you.
You may have missed out on the information you need from your mum, but she may still come around. If not, you will be the starting point for information for your daughters and their daughters, so keep every scrap of information you can during this journey ... for them.
Glad you ranted on here and got some of it out of your system. The last thing you need is the extra stress.
Huge hugs,
San-Dee
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Oh Tracy I wish I could give you a hug and somehow make it all hurt that little bit less. To have been through that much with those arround you and now battling BC is just so hard and draining.
I know you are strong and that your hubby and kids are there but I also know how it feels to be alone and how it feels that those that are your blood are not there for you in at least the smallest of ways .
My dad passed away when I was just barely 15 and I have no siblings so was left with a mom that I never knew as even though she lived in the same household she devided not to have anything to do with me as she felt my being born ruined her life since she never wanted kids and had found herself with having one.
In her bizzare way I know she does care for me but is not capable of showing it in a 'normal way' and while I am always there for her, every personal moment of 'weakness' I have had to hide from her as she despises weakness (emotional or physicall) and turns into an abusive bully if ever aware of my being in a position of needing help. I know in some weird way she does care but ever more strong in her is a need to be right and that eberything she does is perfect that the mere thought that I am 'not right' means personal failure as she have birth to me so how can i be 'deffective' if I am a product if her...
Her health is terrible and I have inherrited everything she suffers from (but with me it all exhibits itself 20+ years ahead of when she had it happen) and regardless of my pleeding with her to be honest with me and tell me when things haopen and what Drs say she still hides it.
She is so damn determined to not let on that she has 'failings' or 'weaknesses' that she will rather risk me going misdiagnosed or undiagnosed than release the information which would save me both suffering as well as expenses and burden of tests, apppintments and torture of the 'unknown'
I have no other immediate family in Oz just an aunt (her sister) and a cousin by that aunt that has no desire for being in contact with family (only interested in ensuring when our grandfather passes away she is included in the will and that he does not leave more to me than to her - not that there is an inheritance to be had....).
I trully know what it feels like to acceot those that are supposed to be closest to you are not there for you and when they in some weird way decide to prevent you from trying to keep as healthy and safe as you could be.
I also have learned that blood ties need not be all. I do have friends I know will be there for me no matter what and in a weird way I am value that over my blood relatives.
I know they care for me because of who I am - for the person I am and not because they are expected to or are born into it.
To be honest that gets me through these times when my family didissapoon me.
We will get past these times where our family fails to do the right thing and will come out stronger for it.
You sound like an incredibly strong amazing compassionate lady so regardless of how much this hurts right now it will pass. Do not let it keep you down for long as you will be able to get past it and move on with thise that do care, and are in your life because they do value you and see you for the wonderfull person you are.
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Jel.
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I have read this and it sounds so similar. I have come to the conclusion hat just because someone gives birth to to you does not mean that they are gong to love you. My childhood was not pleasant with my parents divorcing when I was young. Life is a challenge and some how I have come out of my childhood a strong determined woman that has made sure my children know that they are loved. I'm now on the other side of my cancer and look back and see how much support and love I recieved from family, 2 sisters and my friends that are a extension of my family.
Life can be such a struggle at times but sometimes these hardships make us stronger. Sometimes seeing it in writing helps to move forward. Sending you a hugxx
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Crumbs! Can't imagine the anguish that this extra pressure is causing!
Please take heart in that this forum is here to support the best way we can as you do for others on the forum.
Take care
Christine xx
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Ok sounds like our story in life is almost identical!!
I too am estranged from my family since my dads funeral in fact. It was very hard for me to document my genetic history but with help from my overseas relos it was confirmed we have a significant family history not just my mum but pretty much everyone on her side of the family...and little old me the youngest of my siblings.
I too had no support during my journey except for my partner his family and my then 10 year old daughter.
One thing i have learnt is that you cant change how others think. There is no point wasting time on all the negative aspects of your life just move on with your life and live it to the max. I have realised that where family is concerned shit happens and i see no point dwelling on it. I didnt tell my family about my bc because i figured my health struggles are my business. One of my sisters was told last year..coincidentally by the executor of dads estate on the day we auctioned the family home in September.
Needless to say she hasnt bothered to make contact.
Dont stress about others focus all your positive energies into getting better.
Take good care of you
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Maryrose
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Some families are just damaged and you need positive people who have genuine love for you in your life. I think focusing on those people is the right thing. Perhaps later you could write to her and make the request again explaining the risk it could pose to your daughter. As my breast surgeon said to me...genetic or not....the treatment for your breast cancer makes no difference.
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Hi, I cannot imagine where you get the strength to carry on, what a truly strong, capable lady you are, and I am wishing you all the very best for your future treatment and sending big hugs your way.
So glad your husband & family have so much love for you, and it must be encouraging to read the replies & realize there are so many ladies with the same lack of support from their mother in the same situation.
Please keep blogging as I found great support when I was first diagnosed, I didn't blog until my treatment was finished, but was on the site every day reading others comments and it helped to make me feel connected and know I wasn't alone.
All the very best for the months ahead for you and your family.
Annie
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I say bloody good on you. Vent like hell, if you don t it will eat you up. What you should see from this is YOU broke the cycle. You stepped away from self absorbed self pitying hate that consumes so many families. Let them wallow. You did the right thing. If they want to bury their heads tough. For your kids. They can rely on your history and genetics...sure alittle more info from your mum might confirm what they already thought but it s not essential.
Personally I m a venter.i make no apologies for it. I swear and rant but i m not half as stressed as those about me who bottle things up.
So in the words of Disney.Let It Go. Rant swear curse...then move forward.which it sounds as if you already are. You re going to be good. Stay strong.hang tough. Much luv.mags xx
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Sweetheart
You don't deserve this. It's not your fault. I know your mind knows this of course, but your heart will always need to be reminded.
Be kind, gentle and nurturing to yourself. That is what you deserve.
For the record, I think you have every right to demand the information that might save your life from your mother, but not at the expense of your heart. Think of the scenario: you lose your right mind in a bitter battle with an ex husband...your daughter needs something from you that might save her life...you are so hurt and bitter you try to block her...
What would you want her to do?
Or, in another scenario, you are played by your best friend? What would you have her do?
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OMG, that must be so frustrating and hurtful for you. And you need to know for the rest of your family. I really hope that you get some answers, so that you can move forward with what you need to do next. Sending you a big cuddle, Trace xxx????????
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