A slap to the heart
OK here goes.....
I am the eldest of four.My family has been estranged for a number of years, practically all my life.....My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 14 but she lived in my room for 6 months before she moved out......NOT fun!
I got married without my father walking me down the isle and when my mother actually got to meet my children (at their request I might add) she just stared at them like they were animals in a zoo
Lots happened and years went by without me actually getting to know my adult siblings let alone my parents.
I did keep in touch with my Dad who made the effort when my kids were born even though it wasn't an everyday thing.....In 2009 my Dad got Prostate cancer.....They cured that with brachytherapy, but soon after his PSA started rising again and his bone scan showed the cancer had spread to 90% of his skeleton.....I;m sorry were the Drs words, go home.......I took it upon myself, being the eldest, to take care of him....this wasn't easy as I was the only one who bothered to have an input in his recovery and half way through his ordeal my mother in law contracted pancreatic cancer and I was the one to take her to her appointments, chemo etc too! (I'm not complaining, I would do it all again in a heartbeat) But get this, my sister (who is a nurse I might add) and my brothers took it upon themselves to call me a controlling bitch.....they gave me such a hard time! But not once did they ever come to the party when Dad asked for help....or me for that matter! Sadly my mother in law passed away after a four month battle (it sucked the breath right out of me, she was a mother to me, she taught me how to cook, clean...but that's another story) and my Dads struggle continued for another 12 months...They were my siblings were ok with me once they realised Dad was terminal.....I still did the running around though.. Dad passed in 2013 and then the shit really hit the fan.....but I'm not going into details. All I'll say is thank god I convinced Dad to change his will back to include all of us kids....but that still didn't save me from the selfish, childish barrages I copped form my brothers and sister...I included them in all the preparation for his funeral etc and still it got back to me that I didn't allow them to do anything, that I was like Hitler!......
So that's the short of it until now and no one has been in contact with me since Dads estate went through....Fast forward to December 2015.....My cancer diagnosis....after telling my kids and my extended family and friends....I decided to do the right thing and tell my siblings and my mother. My mother had breast cancer at 31 you see, so I thought my siblings needed to know that now they have a double genetic for breast cancer in the family WRONG!!! My sister (short version) said I would be OK and not to contact her ever again, my brothers didn't even acknowledge it (although my s.i.l did) and my mother started sending me text messages every 3-4 weeks asking how I was... That's fine I thought...I only told them for their medical records and didn't want anything from them really.
Well a little compassion wouldn't have gone astray, I am their sister and daughter after all! I soldiered on through my ops and treatments with the support of my husband's family....Then last week the genetics team at the cancer clinic asked is my mother would give consent to trace her records and possible tissue samples about her cancer to compare to mine? They sent me the appropriate forms. It just so happened that my mum sent me a text a few days later asking how I was...I told her the events of my treatment for that month and then asked her about the genetics consent.
SHE SAID NO! ............NO! My eyes didn't believe what they were seeing and my heart sank. I stared to cry.
I waited a while before I answered and considered why she said no, but I can't make any sense of it. Ok yes, as she stated, it was a hard time of her life and she had no support (and there was nothing like we have nowadays) but they only wanted her name ,D.O.B, the year of her treatment and the hospital she was treated at....So I replied to her it was fine and left it at that.
Well it's not fine! I'm angry that she has denied me this.....What if it meant life or death to me? or this could have an impact on my treatments and an impact for my daughters future...I have many illnesses that she has had and all resulting in the same surgeries and now I have breast cancer! I cannot believe how cold hearted my family are and it astonishes me that your own blood can be so cruel.
So now my Dad is gone I literally have no one of my own blood (besides my kids) to support me or even talk to. My brothers kids were just starting to call me Aunty, before my Dad passed.
I feel so stupid for even thinking that maybe, just maybe my family would come through for me now......what a dumbass. I've always clutched at straws when it came to my own family and now this is the final straw!
I have blocked all of their numbers so I don't feel guilted into talking to them....I will soldier on , like I always have, without them....thank goodness I have my husbands family, they have been there for me no matter what since I was 13 and they are what I consider my blood family....
I will figure the genetics thing out for myself..
Thanks for listening to my ramblings....I feel a little better now I've got it out
Xx
