A slap to the heart

Oh Tracy I wish I could give you a hug and somehow make it all hurt that little bit less. To have been through that much with those arround you and now battling BC is just so hard and draining.

I know you are strong and that your hubby and kids are there but I also know how it feels to be alone and how it feels that those that are your blood are not there for you in at least the smallest of ways .

My dad passed away when I was just barely 15 and I have no siblings so was left with a mom that I never knew as even though she lived in the same household she devided not to have anything to do with me as she felt my being born ruined her life since she never wanted kids and had found herself with having one.

In her bizzare way I know she does care for me but is not capable of showing it in a 'normal way' and while I am always there for her, every personal moment of 'weakness' I have had to hide from her as she despises weakness (emotional or physicall) and turns into an abusive bully if ever aware of my being in a position of needing help. I know in some weird way she does care but ever more strong in her is a need to be right and that eberything she does is perfect that the mere thought that I am 'not right' means personal failure as she have birth to me so how can i be 'deffective' if I am a product if her...

Her health is terrible and I have inherrited everything she suffers from (but with me it all exhibits itself 20+ years ahead of when she had it happen) and regardless of my pleeding with her to be honest with me and tell me when things haopen and what Drs say she still hides it.

She is so damn determined to not let on that she has 'failings' or 'weaknesses' that she will rather risk me going misdiagnosed or undiagnosed than release the information which would save me both suffering as well as expenses and burden of tests, apppintments and torture of the 'unknown'

I have no other immediate family in Oz just an aunt (her sister) and a cousin by that aunt that has no desire for being in contact with family (only interested in ensuring when our grandfather passes away she is included in the will and that he does not leave more to me than to her - not that there is an inheritance to be had....).

I trully know what it feels like to acceot those that are supposed to be closest to you are not there for you and when they in some weird way decide to prevent you from trying to keep as healthy and safe as you could be.

I also have learned that blood ties need not be all. I do have friends I know will be there for me no matter what and in a weird way I am value that over my blood relatives.

I know they care for me because of who I am - for the person I am and not because they are expected to or are born into it.

To be honest that gets me through these times when my family didissapoon me.

We will get past these times where our family fails to do the right thing and will come out stronger for it.

You sound like an incredibly strong amazing compassionate lady so regardless of how much this hurts right now it will pass. Do not let it keep you down for long as you will be able to get past it and move on with thise that do care, and are in your life because they do value you and see you for the wonderfull person you are.

????????????

Jel.