It's all happening very fast....
My name is Sam. I am 45 years old and one week ago I was diagnosed with grade one lobular carcinoma in my right breast, a 12mm lump. I've been told I've caught it early, it's small and not aggressive so it's going to be OK. It has been the same size since December. I feel like this is all quite surreal and I'm having a dream and I'll wake up tomorrow and it will all be over.
My mum has 2 sisters. All 3 of them have had breast cancer at some time in the past... all have had bilateral mastectomies, all are survivors and my mum is the most recent having had her mastectomy in early 2005. All have also had their ovaries removed due to risk of ovarian cancer. I have had this insidious disease hanging over my head for as long as I can remember. Every year I would go to the clinic for my mammogram/ultrasound/physical examination and every year I would feel sick wondering if it was my turn. My mum's 2 sisters are BRCA positive, my mum is BRCA negative...so I was always told that I couldn't possibly be BRCA positive. Needless to say I have had the genetic testing last week and will be interested to see what those results show. I have 2 cousins who tested positive for the BRCA gene... both have had preventative bilateral mastectomies and reconstructions. What a family..
I have made this train move along very quickly... diagnosed on Wednesday. At GP same day.. genetic counselling and test on Thursday, appointment with surgeon on Friday. Booked in for surgery next Thursday 31 March. Despite my surgeon advising that conventionally I would be recommended breast conserving surgery, radiation etc., the decision for me was a no brainer... I cannot deal with this beast again. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I will have a sentinel node biopsy during the surgery and if that shows cancer cells then I will also have my axillary lymph nodes removed. Further treatment to be determined after the surgery. I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon tomorrow to discuss my nice new healthy boobies.
I am trying to live life as normally as possible until my surgery, more for the sake of my husband and kids than anything. I know that when next Thursday comes I will be a mess, my stomach will be churning with nerves, but I can manage that. But I am scared.... every time I get a pain in my right breast I wonder. I'm getting pains in my breast today... is it getting bigger.. is it spreading? I was having pain in my upper back and shoulders over the weekend but a good massage and lots of stretching and yoga fixed that up... tension. What's it going to be like after my operation? I'm scared that I will have to have chemo... I really don't want to have chemo after all the horrible stories I've heard about it. Is it as bad as they say it is? What if over the last week it's become suddenly aggressive and is worming its way throughout my body? And most importantly...
can i drink wine?
I'm doing OK... I know I'm doing better than many other people as I've been preparing for this for a long time. In a way I feel relieved... I keep telling myself that I just have to get through these next months of surgery and possibly treatment, and then life can go on without the threat of breast cancer hanging over my head. But it still really sucks!
Any comments/suggestions from anyone out there in blogland would be much appreciated. 
Comments
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Of course your scared & its ok to feel like that. I was told by me bc nurse "you've caught it early, it's small and not aggressive so it's going to be OK" too but the way she said it I felt like she was trivializing it. It might be all those things but its happening to me & it doesn't matter whether it's big or small at the end of the day its still cancer. Iv had a lot of trouble dealing with just that let alone everything else. I just really hated feeling like it was insignificant. Just take deep breaths & take one step at a time. I was diagnosed late January & had my melt down last week. It took longer than I expected but since Im always the fixer I guess that was natural, I think I was trying to protect everyone else. But it is happening to me so I'll cry if I want to. Could write a song about that LOL
Paula
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Hi Sam,
I just wanted to welcome you to the Online Network. Everything is moving very fast for you so ask as many questions as you need from the members, they are wonderful.
~Ann-Marie
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Hi Kiama12,,
Go for it. Wine, chocolate, all the comfort food you like. You deserve it. Of course, what happens once treatment starts could be a different story. I don't know. I am only a week or two ahead of you in those stakes. After the surgeon dropped the bombshell on us, we went out to an Italian restaurant, ordered a meal along with a bottle of red and then a disgustingly rich dessert. When we got home we opened the ice cream. We all cope with things differently, so don't deny yourself just now. There's bound to be a lot of that down the track. I have only been a member here for a little over a week and I am already feeling a lot of support out there. I see my oncologist next week am scared stiff of chemotherapy and radiation therapy, but have now decided to stop reading everything I can about them. There are too many horror stories and none of them might happen to me, or you!. Don't get too far ahead of yourself. There's that old cliche, one step at a time. Hang in there, keep in touch on here and you'll get there in the end.
All the best and hugsSan-Dee
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Hi Sam,
Welcome but I'm sorry you've had to join us.
i don't think it matters whether it's aggressive, small, caught early or whether or not you have a strong family history, it is a shock when you get that news. I guess under your circumstances, you are a little ahead of most as you have already made up your mins as far as surgery is concerned.
Its ok to be scared and it is very normal. Like many of us, you just want it gone so that you know it's no longer growing or spreading within you. If it ends up that you have to have chemo, you will and you will get through it. Yes it's bloody awful but it's short term pain for long term gain. It's amazing what you can do and put up with when you have to. Just make sure that you have supports in place and work closely with your medical team.
Yep, cancer sucks big time! But you will get through this and you will be ok. I know it sounds cliche but one day at a time, one appointment at a time. Take someone with you to appointments when you can. Write down questions for your medical team so you don't forget. Be gentle with yourself and yes, have that glass of wine. It might just take the edge off for you. Hang in there and good luck. Karen xox
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Because of my sucky family history and my lifelong fear of breast cancer becoming reality too...I also chose a bilateral mastectomy with sentinal node biopsy and immediate recon with tissue expanders and dermal matrix sling. My breast size was reduced also. I am very happy with the result but as my expanders were almost fully inflated to prevent skin death it was really quite painful. But regular round the clock pain relief helped. Lots of pillows...I found a thin one to hug really helped me to Sleep on my side. Expect 6 to 8 weeks to feel yourself and be pain free. I am undertaking chemo...my cancer was small and no nodes but is grade 3 es+her2+ so chemo was offered and I am going with it. I want to give it my best shot to avoid recurrence. No guarantees, but I figure I didnt want to have regrets later that I didn't take the option. Chemo is not fun... but it's a bit like life insurance. ..it might help. I don't believe they would offer unless they believed you should have it. But it is something to discuss with an oncologist if they refer you to one. Best of luck. Kath
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Hi Sam, and welcome. Sad to see another with bc but at least its held off until you are 45. Eventually you were always going to hit the nasty disorienting menopause time but now its just come a bit quicker.
Yes you can have wine and anything else you have always done. At times you will feel low but its not all a one way street down. You have good times in between too which you will treasure.
Just get through one step at a time. I know, it sounded a bit silly when I first got bc too but by gee those girls know what they are talking about. Don't face the lot in one go or it will overwhelm you. Bit by bit we are all here for you. XXXX
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Hello Kiama!
Genetics are funny like that. If you test positive, you've probably inherit it from your dad. That said, we don't actually understand altogether that much about familial cancer. Your whole mother's side may pass along a gene mutation that hasn't been identified yet. It's all so complicated. But it's nobody's fault.
If you've heard "small and not aggressive" that's what it means. I had that exact same fear, I even said to my partner "I swear it's bigger now!" but between discovery and surgery it hadn't changed. It's not a silly thing to worry about, I suspect a lot of people do. But, if it were going to DISASTER everywhere they'd have rushed you to surgery. You know those doctors and their ethics and wanting to keep patients alive etc.
Wine time? Wine time.
- Rebecca
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Kiama12, go and have that wine! In the week leading to my surgery last Tuesday, I went out with friends and had wine with meals, as I knew that it would be off the menu for weeks afterwards because of strong painkillers. I am sorry that you landed this diagnosis as well, as it is so horrible, but you will find lots of love and support on this website. I am writing this from hospital after a mastectomy and reconstruction of the right breast, and a reduction of the left breast done two days ago. Yes, it is still painful, but the nurses are wonderful and it is great to look at my my new right breast and know that the cancer was taken away. No matter what preventative treatments may lie ahead, I know that I will cope with them. There is a real sisterhood on this site that will give you the support that you need!
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I would like to wish you the very best. It's not always easy but stay positive and you are not alone. Even though we all don't know each other all personally, we go through breast cancer together as woman.
xo
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