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Getting my head in the right space

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Wendyj
Wendyj Member Posts: 54
edited September 2016 in Metastatic breast cancer

I thought it was about time I created a new blog since I was first diagnosed with secondary BC just over 2 weeks ago and just share my rollar coaster of a ride over the last 2 weeks.

Getting the news was an absolute shock. The oncologist and I got the results together. I had the scans and the report to give to her and I remember praying that all the anxiety would be for nothing and I would be able to go off on my merry way booking an appointment for 6 months later,on my way out. Not so....

Since getting the news the first week was the hardest. I think every emotion, I experienced. Part of me had that "I can get through this" attitiude whilst at other times I was just in despair scared of what is to come but not knowing when and how.

As always my Doctor GP wanted to see me urgently. As if hearing the news the first time round wasnt bad enough. So off I trotted feeling fairly positive. His first words were "so how can I help you", I told him "I am here for you tell me I have stage 4 breast cancer" not a good start. God love him he tries his best but he ended up giving me the end of life chat and a total feeling of hopelessness and despair. Unlike my oncologist who gave me hope and told me that whilst not curable was very treatable and gave me examples of her patients who had gone on to live for another 18 years. I only have it in my bones and have no pain at this point. I then decided to go and meet a friend to try and boost my energies back up. She was also trying to do her best but brought me down emotionally as the conversation led to discussion on "what I was to do with the time I have left" I was at my lowest point feeling scared, confused  and impending doom.

The next morning I rang the NSW Cancer Council hot line. They were saviours. They brought me back up, gave me some advice and numbers to call and I finally started to think I had some control over how I was going to handle this. And I think that is one of the key things for me in terms of how I emotionally process and live with this illness.

I contacted the breast care nurse who put my mind at ease with regards to my diagnosis and where I am in the grand scheme of things. I came off that call feeling grateful and lucky that I am actually not in a bad place at the moment. She referred me for counselling to help deal with all of this.

I am someone normally who does not ask for help, who battles on and is stornchly independent. I now know that I need to reach out to those in the profession or whoever else helps lift me to help get me through this. 

So where am I today - 2 weeks on

I am in a good place. I feel hopeful and confident, I believe I can live with this and can deal with whatever is thrown at me. I was scared before of what is/was to come but I know am getting an attitude of "no pain no gain" and I know there are numerous treatment plans to help me. I have learned as well that I can't expect others to understand what I am going through and I have to learn to try not to give them a complete medical/science lesson every time they ask me a question about my illness. I do get frustrated that people have regularly commented on "you have to keep positive" "you can fight this" "your strong and can beat this" "Can't they just operate and take it out? - No I need my spine LOL "I could get run over by a car tomorrow its the same thing"- no it is not. They don't know that this is bigger than me. I have to learn to let that go but at the same time have the self belief that I can deal with this. I certainly believe that outlook can help you cope.

Don't get me wrong I still have "wobblers" as I call them but it is no longer several times a day but once or twice a week and only for short bursts.

So today what am I going to go off and do - snorkelling at Towoon Bay with friends. Today is going to be a normal day - love it!

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  • rivergum
    rivergum Member Posts: 133 ✭
    edited March 2015
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    What a great post! I am so sorry you have to deal with the Stage 4 diagnosis but your post puts it into great perspective. You can deal with this, because it's right now that matters. Love the pic! You do irony just fine.

    Meg x

  • Deanne
    Deanne Member Posts: 2,163 ✭
    edited March 2015
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    Love your way of thinking about things. I am so sorry that you have to deal with a secondary diagnosis but I admire your ability to control what you think. Found your comments on your previous post and got a real smile from the one where you explained how you group other people's responses. I think we can all identify with that!
    Have a great day snorkeling! Deanne xxx
  • Hazel M
    Hazel M Member Posts: 708 ✭
    edited March 2015
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    I'm so glad you are in a good place and I hope you enjoy your snorkelling:) Shutting out those negative thoughts is difficult but sounds like you are now managing ok. And yes, peoples reactions don't help, if only they would think more before they spoke, all the best,

    Hazel xx

  • Sun
    Sun Member Posts: 64
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Wendy secondaries is just so hard. I have them n my liver and bones. I just get so tired and sick of my self sometimes. Just had a nap. I need a daily one now. I would never have done this before but I just listen to what my body needs. Constant treatment is draining at times and I get nauseous. The worst emotion is the fear and learning to live in the moment helps. If you're able to work keep doing. Unfortunately, I had to give up the career that I loved due to this crappy disease but do voluntary work. Enjoy each day as best as you can. Sue
  • Sun
    Sun Member Posts: 64
    edited March 2015
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    Hi Wendy secondaries is just so hard. I have them n my liver and bones. I just get so tired and sick of my self sometimes. Just had a nap. I need a daily one now. I would never have done this before but I just listen to what my body needs. Constant treatment is draining at times and I get nauseous. The worst emotion is the fear and learning to live in the moment helps. If you're able to work keep doing. Unfortunately, I had to give up the career that I loved due to this crappy disease but do voluntary work. Enjoy each day as best as you can. Sue
  • gen_evievy
    gen_evievy Member Posts: 20
    edited March 2015
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    I'm so sorry about your diagnosis but I have to tell you - you are amazing. What an incredible attitude you have, you're all over this.

    Take care of you :)

  • gen_evievy
    gen_evievy Member Posts: 20
    edited March 2015
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    I'm so sorry about your diagnosis but I have to tell you - you are amazing. What an incredible attitude you have, you're all over this.

    Take care of you :)

  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Thanks for your post. Yep feeling pretty good at the moment and hope that I can stay like this. I don't know what the future holds but thankful that today is good and know that there will be many more good days.
  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Thanks for your post responses help lift me as I have read many positive stories and so feel the need to share mine as it has given me the strength and courage to know that many women face this and do this with such strength and determination and I can be like them too.
  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Thanks Deanne for your response. Snorkelling was called off because of rain but I wanted normal so can't complain. Ended up gardening and having a full work out mowing. The great thing was I didn't ache after it all and so felt relieved and in a happy place that I can do all this stuff still. I read other peoples stories and realise how lucky I am at the moment . Never thought that hauling a broken lawn mower ( forward propel is not working at the moment) up steep hills would give me so much pleasure and delight. I used to curse at the blessed thing but now feel a sense of achievement that the lawn mower can't beat me whereas before it did. How things change......
  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Hi hazel thanks for your post. Yes having to learn how to deal with people in a whole new light. I don't blame them as I really knew nothing about the disease before I went through it but as I have said before no one can walk in my shoes and I wouldn't want them too.
  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Hi hazel thanks for your post. Yes having to learn how to deal with people in a whole new light. I don't blame them as I really knew nothing about the disease before I went through it but as I have said before no one can walk in my shoes and I wouldn't want them too.
  • Wendyj
    Wendyj Member Posts: 54
    edited March 2015
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    Thanks for your post. So sorry you had to give up your career. You sound like me absolutely committed to my career but having to learn now that my plans may not be fully realised ( I have always been a workaholic and basically married to my job) but happy that I have a supportive employer and that I can work from home. I will keep on working for as long as I can which I hope will be for a long time ( I still have a mortgage to pay and no income protection) definitely have decided to do some voluntary work thought for breast cancer the support networks have been so helpful for me and if I can help others that would be great in how ever way I can even if it is just making cups of tea!!

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