I have chosen to tell a select few friends for support but now wondering about a couple of those. I guess time will tell who is who on this with me. I was feeling emotional 3 days after surgery and phoned a friend. After asking how I was and me explaining how confronting it all was this friend said 2 things:1. Join a support group and2. You're not the first to go through this and you won't be the last.Seems harsh to me. It did stop me in my tracks and I did stop being emotional probably because I couldn't believe she said this. It certainly has made me very careful what I say in future to her and less inclined to share. I have friends who would never be harsh like that and acknowledge/validate my emotions which is great but this person clearly is not one of them. How does everyone deal with people who basically tell you to get on with it?

Dear @Cath62 Presumably she is a friend of some standing. And she may have genuinely felt that what you wanted, rather than sympathy and comfort, was practical advice. One of the things that many people encounter, particularly in the early days of their diagnosis and treatment, is that the responses of friends and family can be unexpected and even disconcerting. Cancer is still a fearful subject to many and they retreat from it (and by implication, you). Others are overwhelmed by your emotions. Your friend’s comments were probably meant to be helpful but come across as unfeeling. She is of course correct - a support group can be a great asset and sadly you are in a rather large club. So don’t spend too much time thinking or fretting about it - seek the comfort you need right now elsewhere, but when the time is right and her practical comments resonate better, remember why you valued her friendship and reach out again. Best wishes.

Hi @Cath62 while your friend's response may seem harsh, I rather value my blunt mates. They can be relied on to say the same thing to my face that they will say about me when I'm not in the room. Which is not always comfortable, but is, for me, comforting. Friends are like cooking oil, different varieties for different purposes. If they rub you the wrong way, keep your distance from them for a while. If they lie to you or undermine your confidence, give them the flick.Good luck tmoz, @Locksley Mxx

Hi @Cath62! I wonder in my own experience whether my definition of what a true friendship is changing as a result of what I have gone through. Some attributes of friendship are sharpened such as empathy, listening, kindness, unconditional support, humour, practical help etc.....some friends have come out of the blocks, some have retreated, some new friends are people I didn’t know well before who have reached out in amazing ways. Equally I have met new friends through our cancers. I have received many kindnesses from strangers. And some new friends are on this forum even though we have never met.lots of love Tinks xx

Whatever your treatment, ‘writing the rest of the year off’ makes all sorts of assumptions. People having treatment don’t stop being people - they are still capable of feeling, learning, experiencing, thinking. Many continue working, being parents, friends and neighbours. Treatment can be tough, but it’s not malicious, it’s intended to rid you of cancer, but you have a say in what you accept or don’t accept. No-one wants this and some of it you will never want to repeat but some of it may surprise you. Best wishes.

Hi @Cath62 You have joined a support group, here! There is not a physical one you could join at the moment with the coronavirus, unfortunately, as I’ve also found. I was waiting till after my surgery and radiation to join something like the Look good feel better class or an exercise one but not to be. So your friends harsh words aren’t appropriate at the moment. I hope by visiting here you find some comfort. Xx

Friends say the dumbest things

Afraser
Member
5 years ago
Dear @Cath62

Presumably she is a friend of some standing. And she may have genuinely felt that what you wanted, rather than sympathy and comfort, was practical advice. One of the things that many people encounter, particularly in the early days of their diagnosis and treatment, is that the responses of friends and family can be unexpected and even disconcerting. Cancer is still a fearful subject to many and they retreat from it (and by implication, you). Others are overwhelmed by your emotions. Your friend’s comments were probably meant to be helpful but come across as unfeeling. She is of course correct - a support group can be a great asset and sadly you are in a rather large club. So don’t spend too much time thinking or fretting about it - seek the comfort you need right now elsewhere, but when the time is right and her practical comments resonate better, remember why you valued her friendship and reach out again. Best wishes.
Cath62
Member
5 years ago
@Afraser thank you. I think you are probably right. I just wasn't prepared for her response.
Dory65
Member
5 years ago
Hi Cath62, @Zoffiel (thanks again) gave me this sage advice back in December 2019 when I kept getting ignorant comments like "It's all about your attitude", as if a positive attitude ever cured cancer or admitting you're scared or tired or anxious or in pain makes cancer spread. If only we had that much control!
"Right, @BewilderedButHopeful seems like I've been called on to give my usual, and oft repeated advice. Be nice to people until you are pretty sure they are jerking you around then rip the gloves off and give them the old one-two. Do the same with yourself.
When others are not being honest, demand they front up. You have to do it too.
There are dozens of ways to deliver a spanking and cancer keeps finding more variations.
My personal opinion about being positive is that it just makes it a shit lot easier for everyone else. Meh, when all their hair falls out they are entitled to an opinion. Mxx"
Jwrenn
Member
5 years ago
Hi @Cath62
You have joined a support group, here! There is not a physical one you could join at the moment with the coronavirus, unfortunately, as I’ve also found. I was waiting till after my surgery and radiation to join something like the Look good feel better class or an exercise one but not to be. So your friends harsh words aren’t appropriate at the moment. I hope by visiting here you find some comfort. Xx
Cath62
Member
5 years ago
Thank you @Jwrenn and @Dory65. I am thankful you are all here. I think you all are just what i need.
Locksley
Member
5 years ago
Hi @Cath62, yes you have joined a support group here. Here if you need me. I have my surgery for mastectomy tomorrow so it may be a couple of days before I get to reply to you. Sending Hugs xxx
Cath62
Member
5 years ago
Hi @Locksley fancy you replying to me when you are having surgery tomorrow. I will send my positive juju 🙂 to you for a speedy recovery from surgery. Wishing you the very best. Hugs x
Zoffiel
Member
5 years ago
Hi @Cath62 while your friend's response may seem harsh, I rather value my blunt mates. They can be relied on to say the same thing to my face that they will say about me when I'm not in the room. Which is not always comfortable, but is, for me, comforting.

Friends are like cooking oil, different varieties for different purposes. If they rub you the wrong way, keep your distance from them for a while. If they lie to you or undermine your confidence, give them the flick.

Good luck tmoz, @Locksley Mxx
Tinks
Member
5 years ago
Hi @Cath62! I wonder in my own experience whether my definition of what a true friendship is changing as a result of what I have gone through.

Some attributes of friendship are sharpened such as empathy, listening, kindness, unconditional support, humour, practical help etc..

...some friends have come out of the blocks, some have retreated, some new friends are people I didn’t know well before who have reached out in amazing ways.

Equally I have met new friends through our cancers. I have received many kindnesses from strangers. And some new friends are on this forum even though we have never met.

lots of love Tinks xx
Shellshocked201
Member
5 years ago
Hi Cath62,
very interesting isn’t it! I found some family comments the most frustrating., like you will be right, oh I’m sorry.
Everyone is so different as to what they want or need to hear. I needed fighting words, positive and encouraging words.
I chose one particular friend , I spoke to her and asked if she would assist me in keeping me on track when I needed her, someone I could talk about my darkest thoughts, as I knew when I was at my worst I knew that she would pull me out of it, and kick me up the bum to get on with it again with all the encouragement that I needed, she use to send me phrases all the time which were very uplifting. She was my best tool in getting through this shit.
Unfortunately some people just don’t get it, and don’t know what to say.
Thats where this amazing forum comes into play, as we get you, we know how you are feeling, we know the thoughts you get, we know that there are good and bad days.
So lean on us, that’s what we are all here for as it’s a new door that you are walking through.
No one gets it better than we do.
You can send me a private pm anytime.

You Have Got This!