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K_J_'s avatar
K_J_
Member
10 years ago

Out of the Cave

Hello sisters. 

I hope you all found even just 5 minutes of genuine happiness today - if you haven't, stop reading and go find it. Then come back.

I finally crawled out of the chemo-cave a week after my first FEC infusion. Wow, it really sucked. I mean, REALLY. When I last posted, I was feeling particularly maudlin. Justifiably, sure, but very morose indeed. My husband had lost some one close, I was feeling a bit precious and I was reaching the end of my coping threshold. Well that all got worse for a few days. Damn.

I am intrigued by the distortion of time that BC creates. Months and weeks are terrifyingly short but the hours and days can sometimes be interminably long. The reality of my post-chemo angst amounted to no more than about 6 days but it felt like a LIFETIME! 

Christ I was sick. The only thing that alleviates high level nausea is a really great, sweating, wracking, heaving vomit. I was cursed to the 10th circle of hell were no vomiting was allowed. I was soooooooo tired. Could barely stay awake during the day but restless (and you guessed it) long, long nights. My everything hurt. I had parts hurting that I didn't know I had. I got oral thrush. I got steroid acne. I just sucked at the entire thing. I spent day 6 beating myself up for being pathetic. On day 7 I gave up caring. I have finally accepted that I can't be good at everything and quite obviously I am remarkably bad at being unwell. Yay for me my oncologist has adviced that a hospital admission is a better option for delicate little flowers like me so it will be off to Spa Chemo for next round.

Hopefully, additional drugs and fluids will crimp my recovery time next round. I'm freaking dreading it already. 

Wish me luck!

side-effects

6 Replies

  • K_J_'s avatar
    K_J_
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hey Kelly, yeah we are having different treatments - I'm having FEC (3 rounds, 3 weeks apart) and then something else (not Taxol, the name escapes me right now...) also on a 3x3 schedule provided I tolerate the drug and don't go a bit metal ( have some mental health issues that WERE under control but chemo/steroids is messing with). Immediately after I finish chemo I start radiation for 5 weeks. Then it's back to surgery to get rid of other killer tit. Next infusion is 29th. When is yours? I think our dates are close together?

    How are you coping? I think I've enter my 'Rage Phase'. My hair started falling out on Wednesday and I've had the shits ever since. It's not enough that we have are bodies mutilated then poisoned but we have to go bald too? F**k that. I feel like I've been branded and just want to hide. 

    AND THEN to add insult to injury, I had to shave my bloody legs tonight! I look like a circus freak but my legs are still hairy!!!

    Thinking of you, have a great week (back to school, yay!). KJ XO

  • emmyp's avatar
    emmyp
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi KJ,

    Chemo really is just awful, hang in there.  It would always take me at least 7 days to feel like I could cope again.  And I so agree with your description of time during BC, the time overall seems to fly by but especially during those days after chemo each day seems to take an eternity! Good luck with the next round Xx

  • Warrior_Princes's avatar
    Warrior_Princes
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi KJ.  I'm SO sorry your chemo sucked!  You poor thing.  We are obviously having different chemo treatments, as I'm having AC chemo first (every 3 weeks, four times).  Followed by Taxol weekly for 12 weeks. I hope your oncology team are able to make some adjustments so that the next dose is more tolerable afterwards for you.  When is your next infusion?  Kelly XO

  • K_J_'s avatar
    K_J_
    Member
    10 years ago

    Thanks, Trace. My husband is home safe, well and grateful that he got to say goodbye properly to someone that he loved. It is kind of you to ask ??

    I'm glad I was honest with my oncologist and told him how I was feeling instead of my usual reaction to questioning which is to smile and say 'I'm fine'.

    I was so shocked that I reacted badly to chemo. I convinced myself that I'd be fine and struggled with feeling so bad. It was bad enough without me beating myself up about things that were out of my control and I refuse to do that to myself again. I have been fighting since my diagnosis without any thought to the consequences of that. I have finally given in and accepted that I need treatment and I need help and I need to figure out how to be nicer to myself to get through it! 

    So now I rest. I say "no" to my family sometimes. I take painkillers if I need them and sleeping tablets if necessary. I stay in my jammies a bit later some days and take a break just for reading time in the afternoons. And amazingly the world has kept on turning ??

  • Tracey62's avatar
    Tracey62
    Member
    10 years ago

    Hi KJ, my third round sounds like your first. The next round they gave me IV fluids & anti nausea every 2nd day after chemo. When I changed to Taxal I ended up on heavy painkillers, but who cares? they worked. With not being so dehydrated and pain free I coped a lot better.  Most of us have had our stints in hospital, me too. Hopefully the docs can use that time to find what makes your recovery not so horrid. Hope your hubby is home again and that round 2 is easier on you, Tracey??