Out of the Cave
Hello sisters.
I hope you all found even just 5 minutes of genuine happiness today - if you haven't, stop reading and go find it. Then come back.
I finally crawled out of the chemo-cave a week after my first FEC infusion. Wow, it really sucked. I mean, REALLY. When I last posted, I was feeling particularly maudlin. Justifiably, sure, but very morose indeed. My husband had lost some one close, I was feeling a bit precious and I was reaching the end of my coping threshold. Well that all got worse for a few days. Damn.
I am intrigued by the distortion of time that BC creates. Months and weeks are terrifyingly short but the hours and days can sometimes be interminably long. The reality of my post-chemo angst amounted to no more than about 6 days but it felt like a LIFETIME!
Christ I was sick. The only thing that alleviates high level nausea is a really great, sweating, wracking, heaving vomit. I was cursed to the 10th circle of hell were no vomiting was allowed. I was soooooooo tired. Could barely stay awake during the day but restless (and you guessed it) long, long nights. My everything hurt. I had parts hurting that I didn't know I had. I got oral thrush. I got steroid acne. I just sucked at the entire thing. I spent day 6 beating myself up for being pathetic. On day 7 I gave up caring. I have finally accepted that I can't be good at everything and quite obviously I am remarkably bad at being unwell. Yay for me my oncologist has adviced that a hospital admission is a better option for delicate little flowers like me so it will be off to Spa Chemo for next round.
Hopefully, additional drugs and fluids will crimp my recovery time next round. I'm freaking dreading it already.
Wish me luck!