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shat's avatar
shat
Member
11 years ago

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I am half way through six rounds of chemo and really starting to feel tired and depressed.

I have been doing everything I can to hide my BC. I still have hair thanks to cold caps but I am starting to look like hell regardless.

I think I want to hide it because I want to deny it. I hate going to appointments and being that person with bc. I feel quite disgusted with myself, to the point of nausea, though I know it's irrational. I feel really hostile toward people who are treating me too sometimes, its like..piss off I am not that person. I have this overwhelming urge to try to escape my body and just leave it there but I am trapped.

I have had 2 out of the last 2 treatments delayed, which doesn't help.I haven't had surgery yet and I am terrified of not having a breast. I can't help wondering if it is all worth it when you have a 50/50 chance of being alive in 10 years time.

I am still grieving heavily for my old life which I just dont seem to be able to let go of. Somehow I feel like accepting bc means I have lost.

I don't feel this way all the time. I have moments where I am in complete denial which gives me some reprieve.

chemotherapy
side-effects

6 Replies

  • Julia44's avatar
    Julia44
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi Shat,

    I started seeing the Psycho-Oncology counsellor at the hospital(RPA for me) and she is great at understanding the issues that we have to face.  So try your local hospital and ask.

    all the best,

    Julia

  • shat's avatar
    shat
    Member
    11 years ago

    Thanks for your support Susan F. I am feeling better this week so far. The rest will probably depend on how the review with my surgeon goes tomorrow.

    It's nice to hear that you relate to getting mad with those wretched people who dont have cancer..lol.

    I hope everything is going well for you with the recon journey.

    xxshat

    .

  • shat's avatar
    shat
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hi Rita,

    Thanks for sharing your expeirience. I think you are right that acceptance would help (not that I am there yet). I still do like though that I can go out in public and people dont know about my bc. I can get involved in conversations about peoples mundane problems without them feeling guilty or wondering what to say etc. I think I will work on the acceptance but hold on to my privacy (for as long as I can anyway). If a time comes when I cant hide it any longer I  will hope I get the same sort of comfort from the support received from strangers as you do.

    Take care

    shat

  • shat's avatar
    shat
    Member
    11 years ago

    Thanks Robyn for connecting. I am having a particualry bad day/week and having someone who can hear what I am saying does take the edge off. It just feels as if no one in ur life wants to know when you are not coping (which is why I always tend to use this network when im feeling bad). Maybe when I am feeling better I can heed some of your advice. I am glad to hear you are travelling well .

  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    11 years ago
    I really feel for you,and I understand what you are saying about trying to hide if.I told no one in the beginning,not even my neighbour,who I see every day.I had surgery first,and not one person except my husband and daughter,knew I had only one boob!!!! When chemo started,I had my head shaved 4 days before my first treatment.One day,I suddenly realised that if I just put it out there,instead of trying to avoid everyone,it would be a hell of a lot easier.And it really was!!I didn't actually tell people,but I didn't avoid people either.Now I am 12 months past treatment,I guess it is easy for me to say all this stuff to you.There are some ladies on this network that have sought counselling through their treatment,and have found it very helpful.Perhaps this could help you?The cancer council have a 1800 number that you can call .Now I am 12 months past treatment,I feel really well.I am now in a place,mentally,where I feel SO PROUD to be part of an amazing group of ladies,who have come out the other side,and are living life with more energy than ever before.As for not having a breast,it is nothing to be terrified about.These days,there are so many choices that you have ,like reconstruction,or just wearing a prosthesis.I chose a prosthesis,and I am really ok about it NOW.I do think,that if you take one day at a time,and don't look at acceptance as defeat,rather as ' I can do it' then you will get through this and come out the other side just fine.Your life will go on,but it is just hard to see that now,because chemo messes up our logical thinking.Stay connected on here,because there are so many ladies that have gone before you and know just how you feel.Sending you a big cyber hug.xxx Robyn.
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    11 years ago
    I really feel for you,and I understand what you are saying about trying to hide if.I told no one in the beginning,not even my neighbour,who I see every day.I had surgery first,and not one person except my husband and daughter,knew I had only one boob!!!! When chemo started,I had my head shaved 4 days before my first treatment.One day,I suddenly realised that if I just put it out there,instead of trying to avoid everyone,it would be a hell of a lot easier.And it really was!!I didn't actually tell people,but I didn't avoid people either.Now I am 12 months past treatment,I guess it is easy for me to say all this stuff to you.There are some ladies on this network that have sought counselling through their treatment,and have found it very helpful.Perhaps this could help you?The cancer council have a 1800 number that you can call .Now I am 12 months past treatment,I feel really well.I am now in a place,mentally,where I feel SO PROUD to be part of an amazing group of ladies,who have come out the other side,and are living life with more energy than ever before.As for not having a breast,it is nothing to be terrified about.These days,there are so many choices that you have ,like reconstruction,or just wearing a prosthesis.I chose a prosthesis,and I am really ok about it NOW.I do think,that if you take one day at a time,and don't look at acceptance as defeat,rather as ' I can do it' then you will get through this and come out the other side just fine.Your life will go on,but it is just hard to see that now,because chemo messes up our logical thinking.Stay connected on here,because there are so many ladies that have gone before you and know just how you feel.Sending you a big cyber hug.xxx Robyn.