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I am half way through six rounds of chemo and really starting to feel tired and depressed.
I have been doing everything I can to hide my BC. I still have hair thanks to cold caps but I am starting to look like hell regardless.
I think I want to hide it because I want to deny it. I hate going to appointments and being that person with bc. I feel quite disgusted with myself, to the point of nausea, though I know it's irrational. I feel really hostile toward people who are treating me too sometimes, its like..piss off I am not that person. I have this overwhelming urge to try to escape my body and just leave it there but I am trapped.
I have had 2 out of the last 2 treatments delayed, which doesn't help.I haven't had surgery yet and I am terrified of not having a breast. I can't help wondering if it is all worth it when you have a 50/50 chance of being alive in 10 years time.
I am still grieving heavily for my old life which I just dont seem to be able to let go of. Somehow I feel like accepting bc means I have lost.
I don't feel this way all the time. I have moments where I am in complete denial which gives me some reprieve.