I miss my hair

I called it my "confused turtle look".

Thanks for your comments @Mazbeth, @FLClover , @TonyaM , @Kiki_Dances60 i never really thought about my hair as part of my identity before all this.

 I coloured it, cut it, shoved it in pony tails. Ive had a few bad haircuts over the years and Id gladly have one of those now.

I miss my eyebrows more than id thought i might. The hair was one thing but when the eyebrows left i just looked blank. Sometimes i think i look like a very fleshy skeleton.

Its not so much what others think but what i think. If you are unwell and look it that is one thing but its like a double whammy. Ive looked better and sometimes ive really felt better but seeing yourself in all your androgenous glory is something hard to process.

Buying new glasses was a hoot. How do you choose when there are zero reference points (and you cant focus without glasses). Is it freeing? 

I feel like ive aged 10 years. I feel surprisingly unbothered by how others perceive me when im out and about with a scarf on.

 I want to feel better and for me that includes having some hair. 

Thank you for your honesty @MicheleR, and for opening up this topic. Big hug!! I’m missing my hair too. It’s awful being without. It has a purpose apart from framing your face, and feeling lovely and glossy: it keeps your head and neck warm. My hair has always been a big part of my identity. It continues to be a big deal not having any. After 2 months of AC and 9 weekly Taxol I have a white down growing! I concur, @Mazbeth, @TonyaM , it’s no picnic having to grab my wig and then worry if it’s on correctly. Feeling people looking at you. My Mum, who I haven’t told about the BC because she has dementia, has finally stopped commenting on my grey hair (wig) and how she doesn’t recognise me! After Covid closed hairdressers, I embraced the grey 1st April and started growing out my hair dye covering with hats etc. Then cancer diagnosed, then chemo and pouff! All gone in first 2 weeks.
now eyebrows have mostly gone and I’ve 5 eyelashes on each eye. I’m drawing on eyebrows and eyeliner (thank you LGFB!). It takes an extra 10-15 mins. Then I notice half way through the day I’ve rubbed off part of an eyebrow! Aargh.

We have hair for a reason, and losing it is a big deal. A very big deal. I find that we get this feeling of needing to be ok with all the side effects of treatment, because ‘at least we got rid of cancer’. Except it’s not that simple. We didn’t ask for the cancer and it’s not fair we have/had it, so the last thing we need is all the side effects in addition. Losing our hair is losing part of our identity. You have every right to miss it and want it back, and be very happy when you finally do have it back. I didn’t do chemo, and I’m very happy and grateful that I kept my beautiful hair and eyelashes, and I’m not ashamed to say it. Of course my health is above everything else, but they’re a part of me too. Of course it will grow back, but until then you’re allowed to lament and miss it 💜 

Losing your hair IS a big thing! I hated every minute of it and no,didn’t embrace the bald at all.It was 10wks post chemo before I saw the first blade of grass and it seemed to take forever to grow. I got fed up dressing from the head down.Then after I broke my ankle I got fed up dressing from the feet(joggers)up.There’s no pleasing me. You feel like everyone is looking at your headgear and feeling sorry for you and you want to scream out that the cancer has gone,I’m fine.
 So we know just how you feel but it will just take patience and lots of creativity with wretched headgear.xx

Oh wow @MichelleR I totally can relate to everything you have said. I was absolutely devastated at loosing my hair as it was always such a big part of my appearance. I just want to look like me again. That said, my brows and lashes are back and my hair just looks like I have had a short haircut, but I just want it back. It’s at the difficult stage of being neither really short or long. Lots of people tell me how much short hair suits me and also ask if I will keep it short. I don’t know what I will do in the future, but I know I am going to grow it back and then, when I choose, I may go short again. As you know, the difference is, I get to choose how I want it to be. 
I know that everyone says it will come back, but the time waiting just seems so long. I monitor mine everyday. I am now 7 months on from chemo and no one would know I have had chemo, so it’s true, it does come back. When it got to a really short spike, I used a coloured rub in mousse which I loved at the time. At the 3 month mark, I got a gentle semi permanent colour put in. I know people say to embrace the greys etc and I agree with that too, but for me, it was all about getting ‘me’ back. 
I haven’t got much advice, just know I absolutely hear you, your hair is not a small thing - it is part of you and you miss it. Sometimes it is just plain exhausting trying to tell ourselves our hair is not important in the scheme of everything; it will come back; there are wigs etc etc. It’s ok to say we are not ok with it. Sending you a hug. M x