HIT - the wall

Thanks, Kmakm, but it isn't just me. The majority of people get through treatment and get on with their lives. It might take a while, and nothing may ever be the same again, but things can be pretty good. I know this because that was my experience the first time. I thought I might be able to pull the same trick twice. Apparently not.

The problem is the 'rare' cases where things are not OK. Where you have adverse reactions, monster side effects, your hair doesn't grow back, you get leukemia, heart disease...blah, blah blah. And that is without having the nightmare of metastatic disease. Yep @HIT it's all in our heads, until something is definitively broken and can no longer be fobbed off.

@Brenda5 I would love to think we could access an early pension (not nearly as much as I would like to just go back to work) Pigs will fly on both counts. If you can't get a disability pension, when you are clearly disabled, there will be no hope of getting an old aged pension until you are what ever age you need to be now. My chances of getting to that age are pretty slim and I can not imagine what my life will look like if I don't start getting my shit together and stop sucking my bank account dry. (Yes, I know I did a reckless and extravagant thing last week) I only get a few dollars a fortnight from Newstart, because I am only working .2 EFT but the total a very small  amount of money to live on and the system is set up to treat everyone on that payment like a cheating bludger. I do appreciate the Health Care Card though, that really helps.

The plan, at the moment, is to try to spend a bit of my scarce reserves of energy doing things that are going to bring some pleasure into my life, like taking the camper away for short holidays. I can't afford it and am terrified I will get so exhausted I'll just be a pain in the arse, but I can only try.

In the meantime I'm giving the new meds a couple of months and if there is no change for the better, I'm giving the lot the flick. That may not help either, but at least I will know where 'ground zero' is so I can make up my mind about how to approach my future. The current set up is not acceptable.

It's very frustrating @HIT

When I look back on how I was post  BC Version 1, I can't reconcile that picture with what life looks like post BC Version 2 . Within 12 months of V1, I was working full time, had been promoted, was breaking in a new horse and was back in the saddle (so to speak) in pretty much every aspect of my life. I really couldn't understand what all the fuss was about. Yes, I was having a lot of problems with the reconstructed tits and had several ops to try to fix the mess, but that made me more irritated than debilitated.

12 months after V2, I'm a wreck. I'm exhausted, struggling to work 3 hours a day and most days start much like you have described--tired, sore, achy, itchy and down in the dumps. I can drag myself up and go for a walk, do a yoga class or go to the gym but then I have to lie down. As far as doing anything challenging in the afternoon is concerned--forget it. My brain doesn't work and neither does my body--I'm a danger to myself and others. I generally won't answer the phone after 8 pm and if friends come to stay for the weekend I'm in bed by 9pm. Is this is my new normal? I. Am. Not. Impressed.

I have just switched from Letrazole to Anastrazole in the hope I might be one of the few people who benefit from the change, minimal as it is. I can't even be sure that the AIs are responsible for the misery, it's possible my body has just had enough. I've tried a variety of supplements and genuinely given getting better a go. Only time will tell, but this is a pretty ordinary way to live and I'm hoping it isn't a permanent condition. 

Worst of all, my sense of humour is deserting me--all that's left are the black bits and those are not always that amusing.