Forum Discussion
Stable - schmable...
Hi pink ladies,
Clinic today - basically the disease is stable - schmable. I'm pretty down about it. I have had all of my hopes pinned on remission. It is unlikely that this will happen. So I have to get my head in the space that stable is a good result. The CT cannot tell what is active and what is scar tissue but basically since I started my weekly treatment 19 weeks ago, the lung mets have barely changed and none of them are gone - yes they are small but they are very numerous and even the tiny ones are still there. The axilla node is 50% reduced in size and the skin met is about 50% smaller too. I still wonder if the lung "things" are actually mets - especially as they do not seem to be reducing but am not willing to have the invasive surgery to biopsy them. We just have to assume that they are as the skin met was positive. So I keep going on the treatment as so far nothing is growing and that is a good thing.
I've decided that I need to take a break from the cancer world a little - disengage from it as much as I can despite having advanced cancer and weekly treatment. I need to get on with life. I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, I don't want to read about cancer anymore (hell I don't even want to have it anymore - can anyone arrange that?).
I am getting back into exercise - yoga, pilates and bike riding; back into my photography; very into xmas and new year and life with my beautiful little family while I feel extremely well. Who knows - miracles happen - so one might just happen to me - but it is not worth sitting around waiting - I just have get on with living.
Love and light to all of you. You are angels.
Amanda xx
16 Replies
Hi Amanda,
I know exactly what you are talking about when you wnt to get away from Cancerland. Many times since my diagnosis I have stepped back to take a mental break from it all. It does become overwhelming and sometimes people think that is all you can talk about. They seem to forget that you are a person NOT a disease. My theory at the moment is that I am not important enough for the world to stop. Bills still have to be paid, groceries bought, kids going to school. We do know how to talk about other stuff, in fact that is what we would all prefer to talk about I'm sure.
Enjoy your cancer break and I look forward to hearing from down the track. Best wishes to you.
Take care.
Tracey xx
Hi Amanda,
I know exactly what you are talking about when you wnt to get away from Cancerland. Many times since my diagnosis I have stepped back to take a mental break from it all. It does become overwhelming and sometimes people think that is all you can talk about. They seem to forget that you are a person NOT a disease. My theory at the moment is that I am not important enough for the world to stop. Bills still have to be paid, groceries bought, kids going to school. We do know how to talk about other stuff, in fact that is what we would all prefer to talk about I'm sure.
Enjoy your cancer break and I look forward to hearing from down the track. Best wishes to you.
Take care.
Tracey xx
Hi Celeste - you know I feel such a synergy with you and I will keep in touch - I don't think I have had a head in the sand moment yet so maybe now is the time.
The reductions of course are good but all along the concern has been my lungs so for them to be the stubborn ones is a bummer but I just have this instinctual feeling that they are not active so that is good. Apparently when one area responds and not another it is called a mixed response - not common but possible but hey - I'm the queen of the statistical anomaly :-).
A lovely analogy I recently learned on the Gawler program was to think of the approach to healing as a Martial Arts approach rather than Rambo - i.e. rather than fighting with all guns blazing, the aim is to strategically outwit the opponent with your moves - I kind of like that - takes all of the energy out of the fight and into a different space all together.
So - I am never saying never to anything - such a major healing process takes time. I am one committed lady and will continue to be in everything that I do.
Stay in touch ;-)
A x
Wow - the gym! Good on you! I hope you have a wonderful Xmas too.
A x
Oh Leonie - I so understand your "headspace"! I too keep want to keep in touch with my contacts from here. I have to leave cancer behind a little too for my family's sake. Fortunately my husband has sought "help" and regularly sees a counsellor which I know he finds immensely helpful.
Much love to you.
A x
Thanks everyone for your kind words and wishes. Stable is good - I know that - as Tonya often says - it is often funny what becomes good in Cancerland. I have pulled my camera out again this weekend for my daughter's birthday party and had a bit of fun doing that. For a few days this week I even almost forgot that I apparently have cancer.
I won't forget my friends here and will still visit here but for now I need a bit of a break from it all. I would hate to be on my deathbed wishing I had spent less time worrying about dying and more time living so I am just going to get on with living.
I see taking this next step in my stride an important part of my healing. I still believe in my capacity to overcome this disease - how that happens or to what degree I do not know but I must continue to hope that I can live a healthy, full and hopefully longer life. I am driven to live fully by the desire to see my children grow until adulthood. I don't choose to accept the statistics - I choose to tread my own path, to defy the odds, to live a life engaged, a life full. I don't know what is ahead. I may very well die a premature death from this disease - if that is to happen - I want no regrets.
Much love and light to the wonderful women here supporting and sharing.
Amanda xx
Hi Amanda
Sorry to hear that you are down. Maybe a break from all thing C will help, don't stay away too long though, I like to read your posts + on HER2 also. Keep up that Aussie fighting spirit!
Take care
Dawn
Hi Amanda, Thanks for the update as I often wonder how things are going with you. I have to agree that stable is a good thing. It's great that you are doing the things you love. I have recently gone back to the gym & I know that makes me feel good. Yes nothing like planning for Christmas & I hope it's a special one for you. Take care my friend.
Loretta xxx
Hi Amanda, Thanks for the update as I often wonder how things are going with you. I have to agree that stable is a good thing. It's great that you are doing the things you love. I have recently gone back to the gym & I know that makes me feel good. Yes nothing like planning for Christmas & I hope it's a special one for you. Take care my friend.
Loretta xxx
Hi lovely Amanda, You are such a "smart" lady. I too have "pulled back" a bit from being the cancer patient. I can't leave this site but I am not "taking on" any "new clients". I only seek out my "old" friends through "My home". I suppose it is the normal progression. Early next month is the 1st annniversary of my second diagnosis and after that date I want to "get on with it " a bit more. Sure there are hourly reminders but slowly and surely I am "leaving" bc behind - even if it is in my head. For my marriage sake - I know this sounds strange - I need to be "bc free" as my husband has not handled a second diagnosis very well. He really needs to seek some help but of course is very subborn. It is always very positive to have "things" to look forward to. I am so glad that you are going back to your favourite things. Lets all live in the NOW and enjoy each minute as it happens. Many blessings to you until we are in contact again. Enjoy your "freedom". XLeonie
