The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

Very few people are comfortable talking about life and death. A life threatening illness (forget the 'fraud') brings on these thoughts and it can really help to turn them into proper conversations. Otherwise they just stew around in your brain. There's nothing wrong with them at all, they are part of change and change is essential for growth, but they can make others uncomfortable and discomfort often means switching off. However rage and depression don't lend themselves to resolution all that well - talking to an empathetic stranger (no judgment, no pack drill, no discomfort) may be beneficial. Half the time we don't need to be told the answers, we just need the right climate to talk things through ourselves to the helpful conclusions. Best wishes. 

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. 

Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly. 

@arpie I am scared of eyebrow tattooing, even the new fancy microblading style can go hideously wrong. Don’t google image microblading gone wrong lol! It’s weird because a lot of people have insecurities about their appearance without being affected by cancer at all. And yet when cancer does alter your body in a permanent way, it’s so completely unjust and sort of surreal. So it seems like it’s even harder to deal with. Whereas if I had always had thin patchy brows, I’d probably be fine with it! Sigh. 

You just really miss what you had once it’s gone I guess. 

@Sarnicad - I just wanted to pick up on the fraud feeling you mentioned, that word struck me.

I think I’ve been made to feel like a fraud or something too, not for the amount of cancerous breast tissue that was cut out (I had a lumpie too) - but perhaps by the comments of some people I have talked to here and there. I’ve had so many conversations where someone will compare my Stage 3/bloody awful/destructive breast cancer to someone else’s brain cancer that they had an operation for, or someone’s ovarian pre cancer that they had to take some chemotherapy oral meds for, or someone’s whatever random cancer story. And not to ever take away from their stories...but after a while I got the impression that people had started to JUDGE my cancer against others, while never having personally gone through it themselves. And after a while I thought hey, maybe I had it easy, and my breast cancer is just a walk in the park on a sunny day. Maybe I am a fraud. Maybe I have nothing to complain about and this whole thing has been as easy breezy as a simple headcold? 

And I think that’s the shitty insidious mind game this disease plays on us. Long long after the biology heals, the psychology is the most brutal thing. It’s not how much was physically thrown at you so much as how badly wounded your head and your heart got from it all. 

@Sister It seems very odd indeed. I think it will change as more younger women are diagnosed, as more women work, and as society hopefully matures into being more flexible. It strikes me as a hangover from the past.

Absolutely ladies. I wanted to join the local Strive to Thrive group which is health and exercise for post cancer patients. I had to commit to two weekdays for twelve weeks. Just isn’t possible. Nights would have been ideal.

Not sure why but it seems that you can only have had bc if you don't work.  (In other words, not many after-services for those of us who are otherwise occupied during the weekdays.)

Thanks @arpie. I'll check it out but again looks like all the activities are on week days and not weekends. Definitely worth having a read though.

@KarynJ  & @Dawnc  .... here is the Beauty sessions for those with BC (thanks to @sandramj'a post today)

https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/20759/f-r-e-e-make-over-pamper-day-for-people-with-cancer-chronic-illness#latest

You're doing it tough just now, @Amanda_StKilda - big hugs coming your way.   Take one day at a time, do as much as you can to stay as fit & well as you can  xxx  You can do this xx