The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

@Zoffiel I have gone to ground this afternoon. Not sure why, just leave me alone.

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again)

 But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.

My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

Normal?

Well no one's normal up here, but gees I would like to go back to the abnormal I was before!

Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'.

yep, hugs to everyone xxx

She totally nailed it. I am still struggling to accept that ‘before’ me is gone . . . Forever

@Blossom1961 big hugs right back xo

I hear you kiwi angel. Big hugs

I happy to be alive but hate that I’m broken and that the most basic things (like sleep) that I used to take for granted are now a daily struggle. I also hate that people think I’m fine now and can just carry on as normal. That is prompting me to potentially look at a career change. 

Morning whinge over!!  Like I said in Night Howls - tired and grumpy.