https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/176194/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story?

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again) But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

kmakm said: Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'. I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait.

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.

The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
@Flaneuse Never feel guilty for having time out. Although we would have supported you if you came on the forum, we understand the need to sometimes pull back. All the best for tomorrow. Huge hugs
Flaneuse
Member
6 years ago
I'm back. Have been hibernating for a while - in a state of suspended animation, sort of. Pretty crappy time. Thinking tonight of you Melbourne ladies while listening to the International Jazz Day concert live from Melbourne. Always thinking of the community on this forum, though. I feel guilty that I've not been here supporting those of you who are having a shite time; but I just needed to hunker down and let myself wallow for a bit.

When I gradually started to feel stronger and more motivated about five weeks after stopping Letrozole, I got a bit over-enthusiastic in the garden, moving some heavy pot plants (I USED to be able to do that!). Crushed my rib cartilage. Still struggling with torn Achilles, though I now have a My Aged Care package with a new podiatrist who is making it his mission to heal it, and it's gradually improving.

HUGE day tomorrow. After having my appointment rescheduled twice, I'll finally meet the (new) surgeon who will do my next surgery. I've been very stressed, trying to anticipate his response to my decision to not have changeover to implant, but to remove the expander and go flat (and if possible remove at least some of the titanium mesh). I just hope I don't have to wait too long to have it done.

xx Fran
jintie
Member
6 years ago
@Zoffiel
Only had my surgery 2.5 weeks ago. I am still very swollen and hard to touch, so I am not sure of what to make of my foobs yet. At the moment, I think they’re way too big (surgeon told me I’d be an A or B cup) but I still feel like I will be a D which I am disappointed about as I wanted to go smaller than what I was.
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
So sad that we can relate to this.
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Zoffiel
Member
6 years ago
Well done @chev . It's hard work and even harder if you already have a disability. Are you pleased with the results of your surgery?
jintie
Member
6 years ago
Good luck with your journey. I am profoundly Deaf and legally blind. Just finished chemo and rads and had bilateral mastectomy with DIEP two weeks ago.
Milly21
Member
6 years ago
Funny that was one of my sayings too,if that’s all your got to worry about your doing well,when people whining but now I try let go over my head and ignore,it is amazing the perspective going through cancer gives you and appreciation for life .
Annie_C
Member
6 years ago
@Blossom1961
I can still vividly remember (and can still picture the scene in my head) a few days after I had returned home from the big city where my world slipped on its axis and chucked me off; of pulling into a parking spot outside our post office to collect the mail, when I was accosted by a "lady" who then proceeded to inform me that my rear left side brake light was not working.

I was very much in my ANGRY phase and I surprised myself and everyone at the post office by replying, "Well if that's all you have to worry about in your day, be very, very glad you are not wearing my shoes".

I would never have responded in such a manner prior to BC.

Got back in my car and drove the 10 kms home and left the mail for another day!

Never did find out who she was. I no longer have much tolerance for shallow people, however I have learnt to keep my thoughts to myself, my anger well contained and my mouth shut. Smile sweetly? Never.
arpie
Member
6 years ago
You're not the only one, @Blossom1961 LOL Hush my mouth!!

When someone is whinging about stuff - I often say (to myself as well as out loud) "Well, if that's the worst thing that's going to happen to you today, it ain't all that bad!!" (And that is me being NICE!)