https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/10/176194/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story?

I get tantalising glimpses of the old me. I managed to roll a round bale which probably weighs about 250 kg over 30 metres on my own while fending off 'You Idiot' who just Could Not Wait. Three years ago that would have been a doddle and I'd have done it without stopping. (Hint there folks, do not stop. It means you have to start again) But at least I could do it today. No idea if I will be able to do it tomorrow though, and there is the frustration for me. It's all so random and unpredictable. Good days, bad days. Good weeks that get me all optimistic and planning the next project only for everything to turn to shit again over night. I either avoid making commitments because I'm not sure I can meet them or make the wrong ones and end up both disappointed and disappointing.My habit of going to ground when I'm not coping means most people only see me when I'm 'up' so there's not much understanding of the big picture.

kmakm said: Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'. I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

@kmakm Bloody hell lady, you deserve some goodness and pain free days. Hugging you! The shit days feel utterly permanent don’t they. Like set in stone, this is it, it’s all over, nothing’s good anymore. But you’ve got insight and wisdom and skill to know that it’s all temporary. It’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass it’ll pass.....my mantra. There’s something incredibly grounding about knowing that nothing lasts, good OR bad. Its funny, I actually think my old self who I was Before was defined by eyebrows. I looked at old photos of me earlier today..I never do that..too sad. But for some reason I forced myself to. And I am so fucking pissed off that chemo stole my old eyebrows. I don’t look the same. And I hate it. And I never thought I’d be more fixated on stupid eyebrows and lashes than the great big scar across my boob. But here I am. I think its an increeeeedibly slooow evolution we must go through, to get not back to our old selves, but to ARRIVE at the place where we have fully let go of the sadness. I think it takes everyone different amounts of time, too. It unfolds on an almost cosmic timescale. An epic slow formation of a new version of you. But that’s okay because look how beautiful a galaxy is. It’s worth the wait.

@kmakm We can’t see clouds changing shape or predict the new shape either. It’s too gradual for the brain’s visual system or whatever to grasp. But we become aware that change has taken place by the time it’s obviously a different cloud shape, right? I reckon this is the same with depression and grief and trauma. The brain just can’t get far enough outside itself to predict or appreciate the new reality ahead. It is stuck and trying to cope with basics! But that doesn’t mean that a new and more positive reality ISN’T possible. You just can’t see it yet. Have to take a huge leap of trust in yourself. Im having a daily internal battle of I’m dead inside, Oh well there goes my life vs. Damnit I didn’t just survive this thing for nothing! I want to live! So my positivity really wavers. I never get to talk to anyone close anymore either. My friends and even mum change the subject if I talk about pain or sadness. It sucks. A lot. I just become detached and spend all my time with dogs and any distraction that gets me through the day! I do think my annoying stubborn anger at being sick is an amazing motivator, that keeps me fighting and in perspective and positive when all else fails. I am so competitive that no matter how depressed I get, the outrage of losing to it just drives me on blindly.

The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
Apparently I have lost my filter since starting this whole BC thing. Instead of responding nicely to irritating comments or emails, I tell them what I actually think. Poor hubby has taken over responding to emails. I can’t be trusted lol. If people are nasty I used to smile sweetly and move on. Now I look them up and down as though I stood in something stinky. I think I better find that filter before I get in too much trouble.
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
Thanks @kezmusc. Some studies have shown it helps, others not. Like so much about BC, it seems to be completely individual.

Reckon it'll be hypnosis next...
Sister
Member
6 years ago
It's a shock to realise how quickly we lose condition.
Sandyr
Member
6 years ago
My husband and I usually have a month inqueensland for our holiday, was looking forward to it so much we go in a campervan.its been over 12 months since I was last in hospital and I got the all clear for my breast cancer just recently.
little did I realise I would find it hard just to get in and out of the van ,at the campsite I usually try to use the toilets there ,struggling.but after a couple of weeks my fitness did improve although I still wasn't up to bushwalking.its taken me awhile to accept this is my new normal now,the outcome could have been a whole lot worse so I have to appreciate that aspect.wishing you all the best sandy
kezmusc
Member
6 years ago
@kmakm, I hope you have more luck with the accupuncture than I did. Was a total waste of $600 for 5 treatments that did F all. Was relaxing though until I thought about the amount of money I just wasted that was not relaxing at all :). Fingers crossed.
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
Thanks @arpie. :)
arpie
Member
6 years ago
Definitely worth a try, @kmakm - I hope it helps
kmakm
Member
6 years ago
@Sarnicad @Blossom1961 My mum today said she'd shout me some acupuncture. Really hoping it helps the joint pain and the hot flushes.
Sarnicad
Member
6 years ago
@Blossom1961 try the acupuncture I’m getting some great results with mine in terms of pain relief from my sore knee and hip. I’m still having herceptin along with armidex and it helps so much
Blossom1961
Member
6 years ago
So. Permanent cording but I still have almost full range of movement. Can be operated on, hah, not likely. Doesn’t hurt, just feels tight. Thinking I might go visit a Chinese herbalist acupuncturist once I finish up with all my treatments. I am not overly bothered by it. Just another thing.