The Secret Suckiness Of Life After Breast Cancer

Oh I'm definitely in that cycle @InkPetal. It's quite complex. I'm working with a psychologist to reframe my thinking if I can, and relying on time to heal and adjust, as so many have advised here. Have hopes for the former but not so much the latter. Can't see that I won't ever be sad that my old life is never coming back. I suppose that is a normal reaction to ageing in many ways, but in the case of some illnesses like BC, it comes on hard and fast and so adjusting is more challenging. Sigh. K xox

No, you're not alone @inkpetal  I'm trying to find the positive in who I am now but damn, it's a struggle.

kmakm said:

Oh lordy, me too @StarGirl. I can't get any part of my psyche round the fact that I'll never go back to 'normal'.

I feel this every day. I think I'll write at length about it but for now I'll just put out there that surviving gave me a form of depression that was a cycle of hating myself for being ungrateful but I was in mourning over the fact the old me is dead. I was mourning myself. I feel like I'm not the only one it's happened to.

My legs don't even bend properly anymore with this pin in my right thigh, child's pose is a definite no go, my leg just won't go there, you really don't realise how flexible your bones are til you try and do stuff that used to be a piece of cake.

@Zoffiel @Sister I’m the same as u with the whole lunge strength thing with my thighs. God forbid if I crouch down - normally I have to grab something to help me up. When we do lunges in Pilates I’m scared to stretch too far as I don’t know if I’ll get back up!!

I have to think about standing up rather than just doing it and it pisses me off!  And getting up from a crouch - well that's just a joke.

The secret suckiness of your body not understanding what your brain wants it to do. 
Sorry for yet another yoga story, but that practice is my safe testing ground; if I topple over on my mat it's not the same problem as me falling while bush walking or doing other unfrogiving stuff..
I can not make my legs obey orders like rise from a knee lunge to my toes. I seem to have lost all my 'spring'. I can walk up and down stairs that are a regular height, but if I have to push up over 600mm, it's knuckles on the ground and clumsy bum bumps before i get my feet back under myself. Now I've 'forgotten' how to do push ups. I could comfortably do dozen twelve months ago. Now my brain is not sending the right instructions. Maddening when I can bench press close to my body weight.

I've adjusted to the fact that my feet will feel odd for the rest of my life. I just concentrate on the minuscule improvements which continue to happen, particularly my toes and believe that one day I will be able to 'tuck my toes' in yoga! Managed to use my toes to push to a shoulder stand last week!! 

Oh boy. Some days it is really exhausting to pull up the 'I'm so lucky' socks. Some days it would be nice to wallow, maybe eat far too much chocolate , drink a few wines, stay in my pjs! That would be nice. But instead off to bloody work, listen to the woes of others, when really just today you feel like telling it how it is!! Not caring about someone else's grizzles. Not even caring about someone else's feelings!  But... Politeness! Manners!
grrr blah poo! Gotta believe that the shitty days/ moments will one day be a memory that we can all cheers ourselves for getting through. Hope today was better @kiwi Angel and thankyou @soldier crab for sharing , loved the article xo 

I guess we can be grateful for the chance to opt out every now and then @sister. Small compensation for having to drag our ragged arses through endless days when we have no choice but to perform. I'm wagging work this arvo  too. I got heaps done between 3 am and 10 then a bit more after yoga.  If I submit it in an hour or so it will look like I've done a 'normal' days work instead of keeping mad fucking witch hours. The joys of having a home office.