No comfort

Hey Michele,
I stopped working in July 2018. Went overseas after a serious burn out, came back and decided to take a couple months off, had panic attacks every day for about 3 months, and realised the situation was much worse than I’d realised. So there was no way I could go back to work then, and tbh I didn’t want to. I had enough of being a slave to an ungrateful company, time and again. I also got massively disappointed at work by people who were supposed to be my closest friends. So even though I loved the job, I decided not to do it anymore due to school politics and wanting my time for myself. But, it took a whole year to stop feeling guilty about not working, cos that’s how I’d been made to feel my whole life, like I was being unproductive if I wasn’t working, even though I was also a single mum. The panic attacks were in part caused by my guilt. But I persevered. I was too angry to keep giving my precious time for myself and my daughter away to unappreciative pricks. After about a year and a half, covid and my bc happened, so I still couldn’t go back, and I decided to keep my time once again to go through surgery, treatment and recovery without worrying about work as well. And quite honestly it would be hard with all my side effects. So here I am, still unemployed, but making do with what I have financially. I’m a bit bored sometimes, but otherwise very happy. I went through that limbo period also, but couldn’t find any concrete answers, so just continued to ask for guidance from the Universe. I started with my plants as I’ve mentioned previously, then also got my two kitties, plus 4 fish tanks. I already had my doggie. They all keep me very busy, and are fantastic company. I’ve always wanted lots of animals, but couldn’t have them. Now I thought, stuff that, no more excuses. I’m getting them. Plants and animals make me happy, so I’ve surrounded myself with them. Also lamps and teapots. I get most things from Marketplace cos it’s affordable that way. My partner calls my place ‘The Montanicle Gardens’ ��. I also recently started belly dance lessons, after wanting to do it for 20 years but always finding excuses not to. It’s good exercise and I love it. Then, I have meet ups with friends that I actually enjoy. A few I’ve known for ages, and the rest are bc ladies from this forum. It’s been great. I have friends that were supposed to be close, that haven’t messaged me at all to ask ‘how are you’. So I don’t message them either. It’s disappointing, but I’m used to that from people. I’ve found that a lot of people are too self absorbed. They know you’ve had bca, but see you on social media looking ‘ok’, so that means you’re fine and not worthy of their attention. Or, you appearing fine doesn’t suit them anymore, cos why should you look like you’re doing well despite having had bca, while their life is still a mess?? I don’t know anymore. But I’ve decided that being annoyed or sad about losing friends is a waste of time. I simply outgrew them. There’s better friends to be met and made 😊.
So all these things I mentioned above are things that I love and always have, but denied myself for whatever reason. I’m not denying them myself anymore if I can help it. So to answer the question ‘who am I’ and ‘what do I do now’, I don’t really have a great answer, except that who I am doesn’t have to be defined. I’m constantly changing and outgrowing things, so I’m constantly discovering myself, or new parts of me. And this is actually more exciting now than scary. The second one is, does what I want to do next make me happy and excited? No? Then I’m not doing it, unless absolutely necessary. If yes, no matter how small or insignificant it seems, I’ll do it. That’s what I discovered. Small things can bring me so much joy. My fish tanks, with the effort I put in to create them (proving I’m not uncreative as I previously thought 😄) are absolutely beautiful, and I love watching the fishing swim around. It’s very calming and soothing. I’ve tried meditating before cos I need it, but it was hard and boring. Watching my fish is actual meditation that I enjoy, as I’ve found out. So they fulfil my love for animals, water and meditation. Never would have guessed that before. 

After my diagnosis I ended up not returning to work, and was close to retirement age anyway.  So pleased I don't have to put up with all the work dynamics.  Although the psychologist I saw said that work gives us purpose, and I sacked her also.  :)

Ooh do tell @sister about your secret dream. We all need to dream a little

Waiting to get hold of the Gailbraith novel.  I can absolutely empathise with many of the comments.  I don't dislike my job but really?...I can't say I care anymore.  And when someone expects me to get all fired up?  I quietly sputtered a few weeks ago when my line manager told me in my performance review that I need to not be so reactive - I know that he thought he was being supportive but I'm f*&%ing 57 and I quite like my reactivity.  I come from a long line of reactive women and I'm good with that.  Silly things.  You're right @zoffiel - when did life get so bloody boring.  What's the point of things when you go to work and then are too tired to do what you want.  I have a secret dream of what I want life to be like - just can't afford it...oh...and the kids aren't old enough yet.

@MicheleR, isn't spoiled fruit a perfect metaphor for an unsatisfactory experience? Ironically, my favourite fruit is super rotten to the point of fermentation. It's the half way bit that grinds my gears.
Hang in there. Being grumpy and disgruntled is not the end of the world even if it's not anyone's preferred situation. I loathe being lost, but sometimes that is an inevitable consequence of not knowing where I'm going.
My day got better after I read your post and decided not to go to work. Because I really don't have to work many more hours than I'm contracted to and sometimes I need to be reminded of that.
 I've been alternating between my bed and the couch and a drive into town to buy flowers. I've read nearly half of the newest Robert Galbraith 927 page novel. So, thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in all this and that I can, every once in awhile, pull the covers over my head. Mxx

@Zoffiel and @Michelle_R I hate it when fruit isn't as good as we think it will be.  I have a bad habit of buying raspberries for baking and by the time I've got energy to bake they are mouldy and I've wasted money.  Gosh $10 is very expensive for a punet of blueberries.  

@Zoffiel,

I went to my exercise session but it was the wrong day. My $10 punnet of blueberries was mouldy. 

Im having a coffee now. 

Hope your day got better.
M x

Yeah, I'm grumpy too. The out of season strawberries I stupidly bought were both expensive and rotten. The in season pomegranate, however, was seedy, pithy, difficult and a little bitter but jewel bright and worth the effort. Go figure. Mxx

Hi @Zoffiel,

To be honest im feeling grumpy right now. But its 8.25 and its drop kid off before starting work day time. It gets better as the day goes on. 

I think priorities shift. I was feeling mostly hurray for life and just didnt really care about the everyday annoyances. But then something a bit bigger comes along. Im aware that although ive had some great support that the support i wanted from some wasnt there then or now. Thats not a revelation but annoying. 

When i start work today, the minute i sit down i have to be in a skype meeting. I have always hated meetings first thing. I need a little time to think about what the day requires and on Mondays where im at with everything. 

On saturday i had nothing to do whilst supervising a kid thing, couldnt go anywhere and that was annoying. I think im just in a i want to do what i want to do funk right now which might be understandable given the life upheaval and change in priorities. But then there is reality. 

This morning in my grumpiness i dont feel like i want to do planned exercise this arvo id rather do what ever i feel at the time but when the time rocks round ill probably go and feel better for it. 

All things pass if you wait long enough. I have a gp appt this week and will ask about counselling .

I hope you feel better as day wears on. 

Michele

Hey @MicheleR I get it. Sometimes it feels like I'm just plodding up the road to nowhere. Everything is so bloody tedious. Not necessarily unpleasant, but how did things get so wretchedly dull?

I quite like my job but not all the people I work with. Nothing unusual about that. My energy levels fluctuate (mostly downwards) too much for me to rally the will to do anything about some of the grinding irritation of dealing with incompetent colleagues. This has emboldened one particularly shrill bitch to the point where I am going to have to do something about her. That will, no doubt, break the boredom cycle but really? Really?

 Five years ago I would have sorted this shit out before it became a major problem. Now I'm not sure I really give a toss. It's not something I find easy to discuss with people who could probably intervene as I'm tired of hearing myself grizzle and moan about a seemingly endless stream of minor issues.

I'm so over aches and pains and scabby skin cancers and some crappy thing that's wrong with one eye and the rapidly balding tyres on my overworked car and the feral rose bushes that keep springing up in my neglected garden and whatever it is that is digging burrows under my house and the filling that fell out of my tooth and the chainsaw that won't idle properly... To be honest, I just feel like staying in bed and pulling the doona over my head. Maybe we all need a holiday. Mxx