Feeling better than expected what now

Wise women here. Thank you. 

Oh crap. I thought id got out of this relatively unscathed. Seems ridiculous to say that when im sitting here with the most ridiculous hair growth youve ever seen. The cosmetic looks stuff though was never going to be the biggest issue. 

Ive stared down the barrel of my mortality and now i have to decide how i want to treat myself and how i want others to treat me going forward. Maybe just because i can doesnt mean i should. 

I agree with @Afraser. I don’t think the cancer is necessarily the issue. It’s about what we were unhappy with before, what we want to change but feel too guilty to because we’ve been conditioned to think we need to be like that, especially if we’re able to or competent. I was very similar. Working myself to the bone. Not taking holidays. Doing things because I could. Well, it took a while, plus bc, but I’m finally saying enough. I will take as much time off as I want and feel I need to, and I won’t allow anyone, especially myself, to make me feel guilty for it. This life is to be enjoyed, and too many of us don’t enjoy it. 

I can hear myself - even though I didn’t stop working after diagnosis, I ended up asking the same questions. I knew I could work, I was working but did I really now need to amend my life, did I now need to ‘make allowances’? I saw a very good counsellor who smartly clarified that cancer wasn’t my issue - but being superwoman, calling the shots, working longer, harder, because I could and because I liked being so competent, might have become a barrier to living better. I didn’t quit my work but little by little I changed a few things - delegated a little more, didn’t feel I had to put my hand up for everything. I created time for things that were good for me (singing, gym, philosophy) without giving up work I enjoyed, I just gradually learned better balance and to prioritise. Sometimes it is possible to have it all - but you need to know exactly why you want changes for them to work. Best wishes. 

Hi @Sister

Hmm. Im not feeling black and white about this. I might have to ponder a bit more. 

There is part of me which is trying to do the "right thing" and possibly have my poker face on at work, i am superwoman. I dont like people at work choosing and it smarts to have to be approved to work. Its hard for me to admit this. 

Id hate to go back and have to stop, it would feel a bit like failure. 

Sometimes im worried im not taking this seriously enough (bc).  Certainly it was shocking, chemo was challenging. Ive been through every emotion like grief. Ive accepted what happened but what now? Do i need to treat myself with kid gloves? Is reducing my work hours enough? Is introducing exercise and amending diet enough? Can i return to my life? Should i? 

M

It sounds even more as if you need to allow yourself some extra time.  Time to recover properly after treatment and not to have to rush back into the rat-race of ordinary life.

Hi @Sister and @Zoffiel,

Thanks for your thoughts. 

Im kindof in a wierd, i feel good but maybe this is all a bit abnormal state if mind. 

Radiotherapy place is only 5 min from where i live. 

The plan is to only work mornings and from home. I have kid drop offs and gym and radiotherapy to deal with in the afternoon. Ive been out of school run for probably 8 months but i remember the rushing nature of my life before all this happened. 

Im not due to start radio till february. Ive booked an appointment with my gp to discuss it and to fill out income protection and work forms. Im thinking a March start now. Probably work wont mind as they are finding me a role i can do from home and less stressful and coming back from xmas i seemed to catch them on the hop. 

There is a lot more organising to all if this than expected. The organisation i work for is large and they can support role changes etc but also its less caring than a small organisation. Maybe that isnt fair but it just feels like im having to jump through hoops. 

M

@Michelle_R I'm in the 'wait a while' camp.

Radiotherapy is really time consuming and a lot more tiring towards the end than I expected. I'd thought after all the slicing and dicing and poisoning, a bit of frying should be a doddle. It wasn't too bad and I drove myself to treatment (180km round trip) but I had a couple of weeks of burn management and that would have been terribly uncomfortable in a work setting.

I fully understand wanting to get back to normal, but I've also had experience of being royally pissed off at myself because I struggled more in the workplace than I'd expected. I get very disappointed in myself if my performance is sub par,  and I hated making excuses for stupid mistakes. A bit more time would have given me a better chance of doing a decent job.

I did work right through my first treatment, but I was ten years younger and there is a lot to be said for keeping going rather then stopping and then trying to start again. Mxx

@MicheleR I understand the desire to get back to normal.  I was the same and after having chemo and rads, I went back about 3 weeks after (30 hours pw).  I only realised that I'd made a huge mistake a few weeks later.  I had thought I'd be okay as I was doing the school run every day, going to exercise sessions and I was getting bored.  However, once back at work, I really struggled with fatigue and cognitive issues.  It wasn't unusual for me to be so exhausted by the end of the working day that I was feeling sick.  So, while you may be fine, I'd suggest giving yourself a bit of extra time if you can.  And if you still have radiation to go, that is another thing that can cause extreme fatigue.

Well done, @MicheleR  on going back to work if you are up to it!  Just make sure you stay away from anyone who has a sniffle as your resistance etc may be compromised for a while yet (or just wear a mask as extra insurance, anyway!) ...... and I hope your bosses are good with you maybe changing hours if you find it a bit much initially.   Just play it by ear & you should be fine

All the best with your rads too xx

@Locksley,

I was going to wait for new glasses too. I gave up and got them early. So good to be able to see!