Coping with the 'new normal'

Hi @arpie
Thanks for your reply! I am here as a 'budding' psychologist (who will soon be delivering therapy in an oncology setting) and researcher. I have not experienced breast cancer myself but I have family who have. It's easy enough for me to read dozens of research papers / interpret statistics to understand the cancer experience, but really, the personal experiences are highly invaluable in helping me to understand the client in front me.
I am currently adapting and delivering a new psychological therapy to help cancer patients / survivors, so the more information I get, the more relevant this therapy will be for people struggling with depression/anxiety during/after cancer.

And yes I have come across Liz!! I learned about her on the podcast "You Me and the Big C" (I highly recommend listening to this podcast if you haven't already. It is seriously entertaining, witty and emotional, all at the same time).

I hope you enjoy the Otis Foundation retreat! The pictures look phenomenal. 

@SarahS

Welcome to the blog!!  Out of interest - Are you here more as a researcher for you PhD, or because you too have been touched with Breast Cancer yourself?

If you haven't already, I would highly recommend that you (and pass it on to ALL other health professional who works with cancer patients - Breast Cancer in particular) read Liz O'Riordan's Breast Cancer Blog - she was a fit, young Breast Cancer surgeon in the UK who was diagnosed with BC a few years back, having surgery, chemo & meds - and then had a recurrence last year.  She has now had to give up being a Breast Cancer surgeon as a direct result of her own diagnosis, surgery & treatments ..... Click on the 'Cancer Blog' for her story.  Her most recent update was in the last 2 weeks.  It is a very honest, truthful, painful story of her own BC experience - and as she is a health professional herself, is more likely to be believed than us 'normal folk' going thru BC.
http://liz.oriordan.co.uk

I am going on an Otis Foundation retreat at the end of April.  I can't wait!

Private Message sent

Hey @rose and everyone! I definitely don't think you're alone in feeling that the "new normal" post-cancer is actually much harder than you would expect.. it seems that people are very supported through the cancer diagnosis, and then once you are "cured", the support just drops off. 
I am a provisional psychologist in Melbourne (currently doing PhD) and a big interest of mine is working with cancer patients / survivors in helping them to manage the emotional challenges that come with cancer. From the other side, I do always wonder how psychs/mental health workers could improve their service delivery! Do you think there's enough professional psychological support out there for cancer survivors? What would you want to be different? Do you think that possible barriers may include geographical distance from adequate services / time it takes to travel? 

P.S. I have also heard wonderful things about The Otis Foundation!! @kmakm

I didn’t see a counselor connected to the hospital until after treatment finished as I felt like I was sleeping the day away. She was very helpful in a practical sense

Thank you everyone - you're all wonderful! I was having a particularly bad day - but you're right @kezmusc, I got through that day, and the next couple haven't been so bad. And yes, long-term, big goals, are just beyond my comprehension at the moment. And I do do things just for me. I have a sport I love and train regularly, I take my lovely dogs out for walks, so I am getting some 'me' time. And you're right @Afraser - I haven't liked my job for a long time, but am taking time and space to work out what I want to do next. Thanks again everyone, you've helped so much. 

I consider I got through relatively easily - mastectomy, chemo, herceptin and still on AIs - but no nausea, fatigue, chemo brain or depression. But a good counsellor (consulted when I hit my third long term side effect) clarified my thinking of what was 'normal' considerably. I was handling cancer just fine, but was I really anticipating keeping up a 60 hour week, what were my career wishes, what was I working to achieve? It wan't so much that cancer had changed my ideas, more that I had been ignoring signs of what I didn't want/like for some time prior to diagnosis. A life threatening illness, no matter how 'lightly' you get off, is likely to force some reconsiderations about how you want to spend your time! I'm still the same person, I haven't turned into someone different - but I focus better on how I spend my time, who I spend it with and what gives me satisfaction. Small steps, not necessarily doing impulsive things that you may later regret, will get you where you need to be in the long run. Best wishes.

@rose 
@iserbrown is right...no way are you a fraud. I thought i had a relatively easy path through bc, 2 lumpectomies,  no rads, no chemo, just hormone therapy. But whatever path your bc went it still hits you in ways that you least expect and that's the hard part. Would i have coped any better if my husband hadn't had prostate cancer at the same time? I like to think i would've but i don't know. Do i still hanker after the old me...you bet i do...the one who could perform any task without having to think how to do it without hurting a particular part of my body, my hands mainly. Go see that counsellor again because it sounds like you need it and like iserbrown said if you have any leave up your sleeve take it to give yourself time to take stock of where your life is now and where you want want it to go. Do what makes you happy. Cathxx

@rose 

As the others have said this is part of it!  You are at the other side of treatment, still a little in the what if, or perhaps what the just happened phase, as long as you don't dwell too much and those around you that think you look fine, what you were unwell, no you look alright to me!  This link is from the BCNA website, hope it helps

https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/resources/accessible-resources/life-after-breast-cancer/

Assessment of where you are at and where you are heading is perhaps being realized here; can't comprehend the comment "and I've been told before that if I don't go for promotion, I'll eventually be sacked. Up or out."

Goodness that speaks volumes in itself - some of us find contentment in the work environment, some of us see it only as a means for income to survive and or lifestyle.  For me, I am very fortunate compared to most, we have just retired, not old enough too, so we are self funded but that decision came about because of the hurdles of BC, all it's hidden extras that I have endured and the recognition of the stressful worklife.  Time for us and our wellbeing.  Medically I have professionals for that, emotionally, it is hubby and I and we are content!

Take time out for yourself where you can, even if it is just to walk out of the workplace at lunchtime and take up some Vitamin D and ponder.  Do you still have leave owing that you could take advantage of to go and see a Counsellor and or have a break and then make a decision to stay and go for it or leave and be happy!  A break away maybe all you need and you return with renewed vigour!  You need to find an avenue to make it work

Take care and best wishes

BTW:  "...she was very helpful. I know I could see her again - but I also feel like a bit of a fraud. .."

No way you are a fraud, everything is real and relevant! 

I get it, I get it, I get it. You are different now, you will never be the same person again. The old you is gone, there's no going back to her. Things that 'worked' before no longer work.

I am struggling through the same thing. So many of us here are. I struggled for several months but it got worse for me so I sought counselling. I'm seeing a clinical psychologist and I think it's helping.

We all have to pick our way through this very difficult time. Your new normal will be different from mine, from anyone's. Start with being kinder and gentler with yourself. Acknowledge that what has happened has changed you. Give yourself space and time to feel that.

You could think of it like this (just read this analogy on the internet): you were a caterpillar. When cancer arrived you went into survival mode and you, the caterpillar, went into a cocoon, while all the attention was on surviving. Now that you survived the caterpillar can come out again. But no, you don't come out of the cocoon as a caterpillar. You've changed, you come out as a butterfly.

That's a bit of a cutesy way of looking at it, but you get what it means I'm sure! You can't fight the change, you have to accept it, use the opportunities it gives you to make changes that need to be made and maybe we'll end up being OK with where we land.

Can you tell some closer friends how it is now so you don't have to pretend? Or maybe a support group where you can let your guard down with fellow survivors? Kerping up that facade is exhausting .

Have you looked into The Otis Foundation? A trip away with your husband might be a good circuit breaker.

Doing something you love, just for you, for a bit of time everyday seems to be a common piece of advice. What comes to your mind?

Baby steps. I can't tell you it gets better from personal experience, but I'm trusting everyone here who tells me that it does. Big hug, K xox

Thanks Artferret for your wonderful advice. I did see a cancer counsellor a couple of times as I was going through treatment, and she was very helpful. I know I could see her again - but I also feel like a bit of a fraud. After all, I'm lucky as I got through all this relatively easily, and complaining about the difficulties of a 'good' job seems rather self-indulgent...