After a break, Letrozole, continued...

Yes @iserbrown, I am aiming for acceptance as the state of grace I land in. I'm happy with my team and where I'm at, but not with how I am now. There was no denial about having BC, just anger that my family had to go through it again. However I had no idea that my quality of life would be as diminished as it has been. I get that they can't tell you this at the start. It's actually been a bit of a shock really. But needs must, and the pulse is the thing, so I plod on.

I get excruciating pain in my left knee at night & my feet, oh my feet 😩. I get up in the morning like a 99 year old & I hate this!!!! #fuckcancer. I live in hope there will be a cure for all this that doesn’t cause grief & pain! You know, just eat a dandelion flower or chew on a rose thorn or something 

Today is Friday and hopefully for those above that are in a world of discomfort the fact that the weekend is drawing near will help with the mindset.  
@kmakm - acceptance is something that you said your Psych has mentioned. 
Acceptance of where you are at and how to deal with it is a huge part of coping!  I hope for your sake that you get there sooner rather than later.  I was there the day of diagnosis, no tears nor foot stomping, just acceptance and on with treatment!  It's life experiences along the way that help with coping with each major event and this is major!
Think about how far you have come and the new you and what pleasure that gives your hubby and family knowing you are conquering cancer!
If you're truly not coping with Letrozole and you are so miserable with it then go and have the appointment and change to something else.  There's no point waiting until you've worked your way through all the side effects!
And for those that are unhappy with the Onc visit, change!  It's unfortunate that your experience is shite however that's not the case for all.  You need to have comfort in that you are on the right track, someone is physically and mentally checking you are tracking okay and an understanding of where your body is at and perhaps have a need to change aromatose inhibitor. 

Take care

@Sister @Flaneuse @kmakm u poor things. I get a little joint pain on my drugs. Normally when I first wake up my knuckles are sore so I have to flex them a few times and it takes a minute or so for my joints to loosen up. I have nothing like the terrible pain and debilitation u all have though. I can completely understand feeling like giving it up. Such a tough thing that what is prolonging lives also causes such a downgrade in the quality of it. 

I struggle a little emotionally like u Kate - I understand logically that the treatment I have had and the medication are necessary evils and I would much rather above ground than below it but sometimes I yearn for the days when I could wear a lower cut dress or top, it didn’t take me ages to for a particular word to come to mind (I have had to resort to googling sometimes) and the fact that some muscles just feel like they will never recover and get their strength back. Very minor things compared to what some people are doing through I know. 

Big hugs ladies. 

It isn't fair!!! But who said life is.  I'm just pissed off at having drawn a shortish straw.  I've now become one of the mums who sits on the sidelines and watches.  I don't get out of the car to open the gate because it takes me so long - the kids can do it so much quicker.  I stand up and hobble around like a Japanese woman with bound feet for about 5 minutes before the stiffness and pain settle.  I sit with wheat bags on my legs and feet in the evening to try to stop the throbbing.  I can't open jars or windows.  I can't push myself up from laying down or squatting.  My knuckles are thickening with arthritis after just 6 months.  And I know that I'm one of those who is dealing with this relatively well.  My onc sympathises and understands but he can only do what he can do.  He's willing to try different things to help but he's also very honest about what is possible.  He has suggested sending me to a rheumatoid specialist if glucosamine doesn't provide any relief.  Apparently, they have more tricks up their sleeves.  But I don't want to see any more doctors!!!  Needs must, I guess.
 
I'm hopeful that, given I'm at the 6 month mark (today), my symptoms won't get too much worse but I know that age and the sudden impact of arthritis are going to play into that.

Hearing that other people are going through this is helpful (although I'd much rather you all weren't).  

@Flaneuse It toom about two and a half weeks for my Letrozole symptoms to clear up when I took my break.

I am very keen to hear what your oncologist has to say! And @arpie's. It seems you two are closest to giving up on the AIs, where your quality of life is tipping the balance.

I'm off to bed now, with a panadol osteo to take the edge off my toe pain. Sleep well. K xox

@kmakm Aye to all that. I suspect this is the only place we will ever have validation. It doesn't help to say to ourselves that other people are suffering more. And that's true of every suffering, not just breast cancer. What we feel, we feel, and it's valid. 
I'm unsure whether my oncologist is going to try to talk me into going back on AI. Today is day 14 without it, and it's only in the past few days that I'm having less pain - but I still get some. It's not gone completely. Last night I had to get up and take panadeine extra at about midnight to stop my left foot from aching.
My thanks to everyone also, for being here for each other.

Well tonight my left big toe joint is throbbing with pain that is making me wince and draw breath. Fuck it!

I saw my psych today. Amongst other things we discussed acceptance, and understanding the trade off that taking the AI has engendered. I explained that while intellectually I completely understood and was willing to put up with an array of difficult side effects for the possibility of a longer life, emotionally I was drumming my feet into the floor screaming "it's not fair". Of course it's not fair, nothing is and I'd rather be having my current difficulties than be more seriously ill. Nonetheless, it's a difficult adjustment and it's taking time for my emotions to catch up with my rational brain.

The psych also spoke of the importance of giving space for anger to come out (in a non-destructive way).

Sometimes I feel I just want a big 'We understand that even though you're 'better' you're suffering in order to stay that way, you poor brave thing', which is bloody ridiculous because most people are suffering in one way or another and that kind of validation belongs in romantic novels, not real life. Which is why this forum is ace because we all get it here, which provides us with that acknowledgement and validation.

You all make this a much less lonely experience. Me and my aching big toe thank you. K xox

Fuck it, indeed!

@Blossom1961 I forgot to put feet care on my list! I can't do it adequately because I have very little bend in my left knee after a failed knee replacement, and it's difficult to get down to my feet. I have the Medicare free 5-visit package for podiatry. I still have a split big toenail on my right foot (from chemo). It's a challenge to moisturise them adequately.