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AmandaJ's avatar
AmandaJ
Member
12 years ago

The Disconnect

Hi All I was diagnosed with BC in Jan last year. Had three tumours in my LBreast removed by lumpectomy. Sentinel Node Biopsy was negative, but aggressive little thing that also tested positive for HER2, Oestrogen and progesterone. So 6 rounds of Chemo, Radiation finished in September last year. I worked through Chemo and Radiation, using all my sick and annual leave to do so. (I'm the major bread winner and we couldn't survive on my husband's salary) Now finishing off Herceptin and 5 years of anti-hormone treatment. The problem is this... Well actually need to give you some background before I tell you the problem. So, In July 2011 Dad was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus, we nursed him at home through several rounds of chemo. Then in Dec 2011 my father in law had two sub-dural bleeds in two weeks, the medicos said that he would die, he didn't. Dad died in March 2012 and Mum, who had dementia, went into care awaiting placement. I was being bullied at work (a job I loved and was passionately committed to) until it got to the point that I had to resign. Got a new job that wasn't all that challenging and in an organisation that doesn't encourage commitment. We were finishing off renovating our old house (that I loved) so we could move in to a fixer-upper in a more central area. We were travelling up to 4 hrs per day visiting Mum and renovating on the weekend, so we could put the house on the market. It sold about three weeks before Mum had a major stroke and died after being in a Coma for 4 days. The day before her funeral, we moved into the fixer up. The three months later, I got the diagnosis of BC. So now the problem.... After going through this over the last few years, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel like I have gone through this alone. That's not to say that I didn't have help, friends and my husband was great. But I don't think anyone understands how tough it was especially after the previous year and a a half. Working through Chemo was incredibly hard, I don't think I could even describe it in a way that anyone in my life could possibly understand. I don't know if how I feel now is about how hard it was or how isolated I felt then, but now I don't have anything in my life I really feel connected or committed to. I love my husband and children, but I feel like there is this part of me that watches me going through life. I used to LOVE reading, but I start to read now and I get bored or annoyed. I've always done things to challenge myself but at the moment I'm not sure I can be bothered, to be honest. I don't like this but I don't know how to change it. Has anyone else experienced this disconnect and if so, what did you do to change it? Would be really greatful for any suggestions. Amanda J

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  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I read your post about 6 times,and kept thinking,oh my goodness!Amanda,no wonder you feel disconnected from people and things around you!In the last couple of years,you have had stress after stress,your Mum,your Dad,your father in law,your work,your house,and then your cancer!While reading through your post,it stands out to me,that not once in this whole time,did you get a chance to truly stop,and grieve for the people that you loved and lost,and also for your job and your home.When we suffer great trauma in our lives,no matter what it is,we need to be able to slow down ,and with the support of those around us,we need to be given permission to take time to process and work through what we have lost or suffered .Some people take longer than others,which is perfectly normal.Amanda,because you have been the breadwinner in your household,I don't think that you have been able to stop and let yourself fall apart,which is what you needed to do.So now,while most other people,are getting on with things,you are still stuck way back there!YOU need someone to put their arms around you and give you a big hug! Someone to tell you how BLOODY AMAZING you are,and someone to let you fall in a heap,and go through all those emotions that we all went through,at the TIME OF OUR TRAUMA,not 2 years later.I liken it to a death,when someone doesn't appear really upset,but sooner or later they will grieve.In their own time.I think it is your time now Amanda.Can your husband understand this,or maybe If you don't mind me suggesting,it would be the best thing for you to get some professional help.You could then work through all these emotions at your own speed,with someone who understands the importance of this.You can go to your GP and ask for a referral to see someone,or even just ring the Cancer Council.I want to wish you all the best Amanda,and I don't think that this is something that you can deal with on your own.You did a great thing to put your post on this network,because here at least you have ladies that understand.Take care and stay in touch on here.xoxoxoxo Robyn.
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I read your post about 6 times,and kept thinking,oh my goodness!Amanda,no wonder you feel disconnected from people and things around you!In the last couple of years,you have had stress after stress,your Mum,your Dad,your father in law,your work,your house,and then your cancer!While reading through your post,it stands out to me,that not once in this whole time,did you get a chance to truly stop,and grieve for the people that you loved and lost,and also for your job and your home.When we suffer great trauma in our lives,no matter what it is,we need to be able to slow down ,and with the support of those around us,we need to be given permission to take time to process and work through what we have lost or suffered .Some people take longer than others,which is perfectly normal.Amanda,because you have been the breadwinner in your household,I don't think that you have been able to stop and let yourself fall apart,which is what you needed to do.So now,while most other people,are getting on with things,you are still stuck way back there!YOU need someone to put their arms around you and give you a big hug! Someone to tell you how BLOODY AMAZING you are,and someone to let you fall in a heap,and go through all those emotions that we all went through,at the TIME OF OUR TRAUMA,not 2 years later.I liken it to a death,when someone doesn't appear really upset,but sooner or later they will grieve.In their own time.I think it is your time now Amanda.Can your husband understand this,or maybe If you don't mind me suggesting,it would be the best thing for you to get some professional help.You could then work through all these emotions at your own speed,with someone who understands the importance of this.You can go to your GP and ask for a referral to see someone,or even just ring the Cancer Council.I want to wish you all the best Amanda,and I don't think that this is something that you can deal with on your own.You did a great thing to put your post on this network,because here at least you have ladies that understand.Take care and stay in touch on here.xoxoxoxo Robyn.