I still don't know what happened but my girlfriend reckons its just hormones messing with me. I am a bc survivor of just over a year. All the treatment is over except for tamoxifen daily. I went in shopping with my hubby just the two of us with no adult sons or dad which was nice as its rare we have time alone. I got my groceries done and we went to a particular grocers to buy some things for our neighbours on special which they requested. It must have been a good special as the place was packed with people. I looked all down one side of special Asian cooking stocks while hubby went for the specials. When I joined him he grabbed me and pulled me back saying "look out, you're in the way" of some lady passing by. Then not one minute later he did the same darn thing! I just felt like a little kid who had no business being in the shop in the first place and ran out of the shop and sat in the car. He got in and apologized for yelling at me and I just lost it. I bawled and bawled and when I got home I hid in my room bawling some more and when my hubby left to go back in to town I came out of my room still weeping. I have no idea why and I have not cried since. Blimey it takes it out of you. I have been pretty much just sitting around doing very little for days since.

I know what you mean, I am near the end of Chemo, but teary at times for no reason other than this cancer thing comes back to bite you every now and again! I hate the feel of chemo,and the loss of hair, I still feel very obvious in the shops, however I know people are busy doing their own thing and its just the looks they give you, like "poor thing" then they move on, however we do feel it and we are fragile,I think it just mounts up! This support online is helpful as we are not alone in our feelings, helps! We will get through!!!

I get like that too sometimes. It was worse in the year or so after treatment. Hormones relating to menopause i think. I'm not on any hormonal treatment so i can't blame that. Its an emotional roller coaster this cancer thing...but it sounds like hubby has your back. Hugs Anne

@Brenda5 we are so complex. It is really hard to workout the effect of treatment long after it has finished. I probably agree with your friend that hormones are playing a big part in what is happening to you. In the scheme of things no harm done. You probably felt rotten but you handled it. I am constantly overtaxing myself and then need to rest or get cranky or both.I do not know at this stage what I can and cant do. So maybe you have been doing too much without realizing it. Who knows? Nothing surprises me in the cancer journey anymore. keep well.

Hey @Brenda5, lovely, I reckon that we are all our own worst enemies when it comes to our self expectations and how we should handle things 100% of the time. Bullcrap!!!! There is nothing wrong with having a good sob every now and then and if it is slightly longer than you're used to it just means that you must have needed that release. Did I read that you had ceased antidepressant medication recently? Could be a reason for being a bit teary if you're body is no longer having the chemical stabilisers?? Either way I'm sending you a huge hug, and hoping that you soon feel better. Oh I can hear a jigsaw puzzle calling you too!!!! Xx Cath

Hi Brenda so many ups an downs we have to cope with ..perhaps hubby is also very fragile ..maybe some calming therapy could be on the agenda ..together or alone all the best Bright

Out of the blue a breakdown | BCNA Online Network

21 Replies

Tracey1967
Member
8 years ago
Hi Brenda, it sounds all normal to me (and judging by the posts - everyone else). Cancer is something big to deal with. So the dam has to burst somewhere. I am glad you a win with your hubby buying you a new coat.
I myself am in peri-menopause and on tamoxifen - so I have 3 speeds; SENSITIVE NORMAL IRRITABLE.
Seamaiden57
Member
8 years ago
Dear Brenda5 It's perfectly fine to cry- good grief- let it out- we are not superwomen- and that's ok. And laugh at yourself when you forget things- l am in Chemo brain at the moment and l have a giggle when do perculiar things- Its fine- Be proud you have come this far and take time out to be kind to yourself❤️
Brenda5
Member
8 years ago
You will @fairydust feel fine today, thats the odd part of it. I was fine too, both before that day and now since. It sort of scared me though that I could have a bad day like that out of the blue over virtually nothing at all. It terrifies me I am losing my mind and this chemo brain may never resolve itself.
I had a successful shopping expedition yesterday and hubby bought me a new coat. Millars are having a great sale atm and my coat was down from $50 to $30. Wore it on the beach late in the afternoon and when a cold breeze blew up I was toasty warm.
I live about 45min away from this resort which I stayed at once when I was a girl. They do cater to just a horse ride so I will look in to it. Anyone wanting to stay there, I can recommend. http://susanriver.com/
onemargie
Member
8 years ago
Hi there Brenda I have lost my shit many times since I finished chemo in October don't worry you are obviously not alone. I think what it is is we all hold our shit together and find the inner strength we need to get through the surgery and treatment and then all of a sudden feel very vulnerable, I know I did even though I felt like shit I felt the chemo was protecting me. And then treatment stops and in my case as I was triple negative no meds either to help me from recurrence so felt like what the fuck do I do now! Its certainly helped keeping busy and being back at work. As soon I we get back on our feet financially you woman are going on that horse ride..... Ill be giving you the money for that.... promise... I LOVE horse riding had one as a teenager and my daughter still has her horse dolly which we used to do the whole show thing with too and I loved being involved. Last time I went horse riding on the beach it was the best feeling, it was years ago but I just loved it and you will too Brenda. Margie :)
viking1
Member
8 years ago
@Brenda5 Sorry you are having these sad spells ... pretty sure we all will have them but doesn't diminish your feelings xx I am new to horse riding (and cancer!). Just had my lumpectomy last Fri. I don't know if you get groupon, coupon, living socials over there? I get my trail rides of 1hr for 35.00. I have one left ... wonder when i can use it! Late to horses ... just love them and a nice cuddle. I tried to trot last time. Scary! Nothing like an animal for warmth and love. Hope you are on horseback soon!xx
fairydust
Member
8 years ago
@Brenda5 I didnt know you could catch tearfulness from reading a post on the computer. Well it has happened to me to. Turned up to a meditation class in the city ..well cancelled abruptly no warning tutor sick..these things happen...I was offered a coffee sipped it alone and then burst into tears. I then met up with my son in the city talking about different things lot of problems at the moment ..you guessed it burst into tears....Husband came to give me a lift home( Cant drive yet) you guessed it burst into tears. My counsellor who I havent seen for a year has gone on a long holiday wont be back for a while ....my hankie is quiet soggy now....maybe tomorrow will be better.
Brenda5
Member
8 years ago
I gave up all my horses 28 years ago to return to my childhood sweetheart and get married. I used to breed, show, break and train them and do cattle mustering. I do remember the healing power of horses though but its $80 or more for a few hours ride around here so that's not happening. I should contact them and ask how much a horse cuddle is? I might be able to afford that one.

Pressure cooker lol. Isn't that funny, I had just bought my first one that morning and its still sitting in the box unused since. Hey I tried doing my own washing the other day (at long last) and the stupid machine wouldn't fill for me. I had to bucket water in. Hubby says there's nothing wrong with the machine and it always fills straight up. I think i will stay away from all machinery unless its my laptop and I have enough trouble with that at times.
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
Ah, just spit the dummy @Brenda . There's something a bit childish about chucking a full blown paddy or having a howling jag but there's a reason kids do it naturally--you can only contain so much pressure before you are going to explode one way or another.

I drove up to see my mum yesterday (a 720 km trip) and had a couple of meltdowns on the way. There were %#$*ing idiots everywhere--puddling along in the middle of the road towing their fricking caravans and wandering about not concentrating. I had to pull over and do a bit of bellowing where no-one could hear me.

I'm now exhausted but feel like I've chucked out a bit of unwanted baggage. By the time I do the whole thing again on the trip home I should be considerably lightened. That's the plan anyway. Marg xxx
Twiggyjumps
Member
8 years ago
Saying that - when I start sobbing out of the blue, I have started swearing an awful lot and my family often shocked! I even shock myself these days! I've even told them that they can all get 'f#%*^ on several occasions when the house has been upside down. They are all adults so no excuses. So I don't smoke, drink an odd glass of wine and the only narcotics I take are prescription ones! So swearing feels like a good outlet right now!
KatyJoy
Member
8 years ago
I understand exactly what you mean! I seem to burst into tears for the oddest of reasons and seem to have no control over where or when it happens. My family and friends blame the hormones too. I have started seeing a councillor, and I said to her the other day that I think it is like a form of post traumatic stress, and she said that's exactly what it is. She said my ''trauma cup' is full and it's like little things can bring it all to the surface and overflow, not just things from cancer, but earlier in life also. I only saw the councillor to keep the oncologist happy but I think it really helped so I will keep seeing her for a while. Good luck and be kind to yourself
hugs to you, Kate