I don't know what I'm feeling
Hi
I know I am extraordinarily lucky. My breast cancer was caught by my bi-annual mamagram thanks to BreastScreenSA. I have never been more tentative and scared while I did the whirlwind of a secondary scan, biopsy, etc. and then had to go back a few day's later for the results. I can still remember that the lady doing the ultrasound suddenly went a little 'still'. I got a cold feeling in my stomach which didn't go away until the doctor sat me down days later and told me I had cancer.
I know that in some ways I have hit the jackpot in that it was caught really early. I know that it was only a Grade 1, 1.5 mm, and I only had to have a lumpectomy, or wide local excision. I am also really, really lucky that I don't have to have chemo, but must have radiotherapy. I've just had the CT scan and will start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks.
But I am still worried, scared, not willing to put up with idiots anymore, a bit teary and weepy at times. Some days I feel like a fraud, that I don't feel sick at all, just very, very tired. My work was a casual job only and have said all the right things but I know they need someone in the office doing the job, they're only a small firm, so realistically there will come a time when they just can't keep going with the lovely fill in lady they have now. My husband has been awesome, so supportive, but now I'm struggling with my libido.
There are so many people on here who have had it so much worse than me but I can't help feeling like I just want to scream like a toddler and be utterly, utterly selfish. "It's not fair!!". It really isn't fair, not for anyone on this site, but right now I feel like it seriously isn't fair for me, in spite of getting off comparatively lightly. Sorry to sound like a sooky whiney person but today, right now, it's a bad day.
I know I am extraordinarily lucky. My breast cancer was caught by my bi-annual mamagram thanks to BreastScreenSA. I have never been more tentative and scared while I did the whirlwind of a secondary scan, biopsy, etc. and then had to go back a few day's later for the results. I can still remember that the lady doing the ultrasound suddenly went a little 'still'. I got a cold feeling in my stomach which didn't go away until the doctor sat me down days later and told me I had cancer.
I know that in some ways I have hit the jackpot in that it was caught really early. I know that it was only a Grade 1, 1.5 mm, and I only had to have a lumpectomy, or wide local excision. I am also really, really lucky that I don't have to have chemo, but must have radiotherapy. I've just had the CT scan and will start radiotherapy in a couple of weeks.
But I am still worried, scared, not willing to put up with idiots anymore, a bit teary and weepy at times. Some days I feel like a fraud, that I don't feel sick at all, just very, very tired. My work was a casual job only and have said all the right things but I know they need someone in the office doing the job, they're only a small firm, so realistically there will come a time when they just can't keep going with the lovely fill in lady they have now. My husband has been awesome, so supportive, but now I'm struggling with my libido.
There are so many people on here who have had it so much worse than me but I can't help feeling like I just want to scream like a toddler and be utterly, utterly selfish. "It's not fair!!". It really isn't fair, not for anyone on this site, but right now I feel like it seriously isn't fair for me, in spite of getting off comparatively lightly. Sorry to sound like a sooky whiney person but today, right now, it's a bad day.
