Forum Discussion
Feeling sad
I am very aware that I have lots to be grateful for this year feeling so well again but BC takes a toll on us in many ways. I guess Christmas is often a time when people feel the positive and negative effects that life changes can have on relationships. Last year I had not long finished treatment and so was just glad that treatment was over and hopeful that life would settle back to normal.
This year, as Christmas approaches I feel the chasm that has developed between my little family and my extended family. I was very fortunate to have absolutely wonderful support during and after treatment from many people but my brother and his family were not a part of this. For the months of chemo and radio, I had very little contact with them despite them living only 30 minutes away. In fact the only conversation that I had with my brother during these months was when I rang him to wish him well before he was to have surgery for a hernia.
Mother's Day was a tricky one for me as it marked the year from diagnosis for me. I very much wanted to mark this by taking part in the Mother's Day Classic, which I did with my husband and daughters. My Mum and Dad said they would have joined us except my brother invited them to an outing with his young children (his wife was away spending Mothers Day with her own Mum). Seeing all the families (and young children) walking together I felt very sad that they could not have supported us by coming along.
Later in the year, my daughter and I took part in a 10km walk for women's cancers. We raised over $3000 but were not sponsored by my brother or sister and they did not even respond to a text my husband sent out to family and friends from the finish line. As my daughter said she thought our family were close before all this and would have expected great support from them. We all felt upset that there was just no response.
So Cristmas Day approaches and this year our family are getting together at my brother's for lunch. I am trying very hard to just put aside the feelings of hurt that I have over what has happened and be happy that we can all be together but it is not just me that this has affected. My daughters in particular feel very disconnected from their Aunt and Uncle. Has anyone else experienced this feeling of disconnection and how do you cope with it? Sorry to be so down when I know many of you are facing more major hurdles at this time. I just feel so sad that this has happened as I always thought we were very close and could always count on each other in a crisis. Christmas just does not have the same feel to it this year. :( Deanne
42 Replies
- Wow! I can feel your pain reading yours and other people's responses. I don't blame you for feeling a bit sad. Sometimes those we expect to stand by us are the ones who don't. I was very lucky to have the support of my family before and after my treatment. The brothers admittedly didn't have as much to say as the sisters, but they were definitely there for me. Some of my friends however drifted away which was sad. I know some people have trouble dealing with the big C. However I just don't get them not supporting you on your walks etc. I send you a big hug and hope Christmas can be peaceful for you no matter how you spend it. Paula xxx
There's that saying you can pick your friends and not your family! When I told my brothers that I was to have chemo and they would need to help with mum, They both argued they wouldn't be able to do it and what did I do anyway. When I explained that I washed, helped with cleaning, drove mum to all her appointments, bought her groceries, and helped with showering. I don't think they really appreciated what I did. Aside from signing some legal papers I haven't spoken to either of my brothers since. Apparently my brothers don't do sick very well. In fact I haven't had much support or help from my family or friends, just these vague offers of help.
As for Christmas think we'll be spending at mums withy my brothers. Only because I suspect this will be mums last Christmas, that's why I'm doing this. She's in her eighties, smokes like a chimney and as frail as, hardly seems fair!
Family is family though and I will smile and make small talk and only stay for as long as I need to. I wish you all the best at Christmas and just remember, families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts!!
There's that saying you can pick your friends and not your family! When I told my brothers that I was to have chemo and they would need to help with mum, They both argued they wouldn't be able to do it and what did I do anyway. When I explained that I washed, helped with cleaning, drove mum to all her appointments, bought her groceries, and helped with showering. I don't think they really appreciated what I did. Aside from signing some legal papers I haven't spoken to either of my brothers since. Apparently my brothers don't do sick very well. In fact I haven't had much support or help from my family or friends, just these vague offers of help.
As for Christmas think we'll be spending at mums withy my brothers. Only because I suspect this will be mums last Christmas, that's why I'm doing this. She's in her eighties, smokes like a chimney and as frail as, hardly seems fair!
Family is family though and I will smile and make small talk and only stay for as long as I need to. I wish you all the best at Christmas and just remember, families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts!!
Deanne, you seem like a wonderfully kind person from what I read of your posts here. I haven't been here long but I've been in a family long enough to know that they are tough. My brother loves me dearly but won't see me since my diagnosis because he 'can't deal with sick people'. *sigh* It's early days and I hope we can work through that one. It's only been weeks for me and I still have yucky things like drains to put him off.
I wish you a wonderful Christmas with those close to you. We are all working out who really matter to us. Quiet times with those ones are good times.
Take care.
- Families! You can't choose them and you are bound to them for life! I have 2 sisters and a brother and we are all so different.We've had stages of being close and then being distant.I'm sure they cared when I had bc but they didn't offer any support.They are all healthy and don't understand.My brother is a sweetheart but his partner is as mad as a cut snake so he has his own issues.There have been times when I really didn't think I'd be able to forgive my sisters.But we have had a tough year with our mum dying and my sister's husband dying and we've had to pull together to get through it all.So any misgivings and hurt have fallen by the wayside.We will get together at Christmas but it will be a sad one.Like you Deanne,I am grateful for my husband and 2 daughters and many wonderful friends.Sending you big Christmas hug, love Tonya xx
- Yes I have appreciated all the great insights that have been offered here too. I think I will just be thankful for the great support I HAVE had from so many people and accept that other people are sometimes unable to understand what would be REALLY helpful because they have just not been in our shoes (and I hope they never are for their sakes!). Take care and I hope you have a great Christmas! Deanne xxx
Hello Deanne
I appreciated reading all the great advice offered toyou today. Christmas so often can be a yucky time ... society has tainted it with certain expectations! And yes it is funny who has supported me and who hasn't.
My brother hasn't ignored me, but he just acts as if nothing has happened. I see him just as many times as I used too. I thought it was partly cause of fear that it could happen to his family, and that they lack understanding. My best friends husband was diognosed with prostrate cancer 7 months before I was diognosed with bc, and I thought I had been supporting them. But it wasn't till I was diognosed that I realised exactly what they are going through, how it was me saying keep positive (Gaaaa) and ëverything will be fine etc and then changing the subject. Now I can ring and celebrate each milestone, whinge about any hiccups and actually talk to them.
Pam
Hello Deanne
I appreciated reading all the great advice offered toyou today. Christmas so often can be a yucky time ... society has tainted it with certain expectations! And yes it is funny who has supported me and who hasn't.
My brother hasn't ignored me, but he just acts as if nothing has happened. I see him just as many times as I used too. I thought it was partly cause of fear that it could happen to his family, and that they lack understanding. My best friends husband was diognosed with prostrate cancer 7 months before I was diognosed with bc, and I thought I had been supporting them. But it wasn't till I was diognosed that I realised exactly what they are going through, how it was me saying keep positive (Gaaaa) and ëverything will be fine etc and then changing the subject. Now I can ring and celebrate each milestone, whinge about any hiccups and actually talk to them.
Pam
- Your daughter is wise beyond her years! So true!
- It is surprising who we get support from but probably has a lot to do with their life experiences. I have remarked to my husband that strangely we got more support from the neighbours (who we barely knew before this) than most of our families (his family live a long way away but they did ring quite often, particularly his Mum). Merry Christmas to you and I hope 2015 is a happy and healthy one for you. Take care. Deanne xxx
