Forum Discussion
Feeling sad
I am very aware that I have lots to be grateful for this year feeling so well again but BC takes a toll on us in many ways. I guess Christmas is often a time when people feel the positive and negative effects that life changes can have on relationships. Last year I had not long finished treatment and so was just glad that treatment was over and hopeful that life would settle back to normal.
This year, as Christmas approaches I feel the chasm that has developed between my little family and my extended family. I was very fortunate to have absolutely wonderful support during and after treatment from many people but my brother and his family were not a part of this. For the months of chemo and radio, I had very little contact with them despite them living only 30 minutes away. In fact the only conversation that I had with my brother during these months was when I rang him to wish him well before he was to have surgery for a hernia.
Mother's Day was a tricky one for me as it marked the year from diagnosis for me. I very much wanted to mark this by taking part in the Mother's Day Classic, which I did with my husband and daughters. My Mum and Dad said they would have joined us except my brother invited them to an outing with his young children (his wife was away spending Mothers Day with her own Mum). Seeing all the families (and young children) walking together I felt very sad that they could not have supported us by coming along.
Later in the year, my daughter and I took part in a 10km walk for women's cancers. We raised over $3000 but were not sponsored by my brother or sister and they did not even respond to a text my husband sent out to family and friends from the finish line. As my daughter said she thought our family were close before all this and would have expected great support from them. We all felt upset that there was just no response.
So Cristmas Day approaches and this year our family are getting together at my brother's for lunch. I am trying very hard to just put aside the feelings of hurt that I have over what has happened and be happy that we can all be together but it is not just me that this has affected. My daughters in particular feel very disconnected from their Aunt and Uncle. Has anyone else experienced this feeling of disconnection and how do you cope with it? Sorry to be so down when I know many of you are facing more major hurdles at this time. I just feel so sad that this has happened as I always thought we were very close and could always count on each other in a crisis. Christmas just does not have the same feel to it this year. :( Deanne
42 Replies
- Hope that your Christmas has some good moments. Next year this will all be behind you. Hope that you are feeling ok. Take care. Deanne xxx
- You are so right, none of us are infallible. I have found it so helpful to realise that this is just something my brother was not experienced with and that he simply does not understand that his support could have made a difference. We all feel a bit helpless against this disease and even we have different ways of handling it. What I would have found helpful someone else might not. Everyone's helpful and supportive comments have helped me to see this. :) Deanne xxx
- You are right, I will enjoy Christmas. It started last night with a relaxing barbecue with my sister and her family. I now feel very calm and relaxed about tomorrow. Hope your day is special too. Feeling well is a definite bonus for many of us this year! :) Deanne xxx
Hi Deanne, just catching up on some posts and I saw you had been feeling sad. I hope Xmas day goes well for you, it's a shame your brother has responded the way he has. He sounds like he has underlying issues with something or other, no excuse though in not supporting his sister through everything you have been through. I have no parents and my sisters and brothers were supportive of me. I do have one sister who blurts out insensitive things at times, asking me if I was enjoying my time off from work when I was on chemo. I told her I would rather be on some tropical island holidaying instead of being so sick! We can spend a lot of our time trying to figure out why people are the way they are, perhaps we'll never know. Enjoy your christmas (I know you will) with your loved ones, it's just good to be around hey?:) All the best,
Hazel xx
Hi Deanne, just catching up on some posts and I saw you had been feeling sad. I hope Xmas day goes well for you, it's a shame your brother has responded the way he has. He sounds like he has underlying issues with something or other, no excuse though in not supporting his sister through everything you have been through. I have no parents and my sisters and brothers were supportive of me. I do have one sister who blurts out insensitive things at times, asking me if I was enjoying my time off from work when I was on chemo. I told her I would rather be on some tropical island holidaying instead of being so sick! We can spend a lot of our time trying to figure out why people are the way they are, perhaps we'll never know. Enjoy your christmas (I know you will) with your loved ones, it's just good to be around hey?:) All the best,
Hazel xx
Hi Deanne, just catching up on some posts and I saw you had been feeling sad. I hope Xmas day goes well for you, it's a shame your brother has responded the way he has. He sounds like he has underlying issues with something or other, no excuse though in not supporting his sister through everything you have been through. I have no parents and my sisters and brothers were supportive of me. I do have one sister who blurts out insensitive things at times, asking me if I was enjoying my time off from work when I was on chemo. I told her I would rather be on some tropical island holidaying instead of being so sick! We can spend a lot of our time trying to figure out why people are the way they are, perhaps we'll never know. Enjoy your christmas (I know you will) with your loved ones, it's just good to be around hey?:) All the best,
Hazel xx
- Thanks Jen. It is such a help to be able to share our feelings (sometimes positive, sometimes not so) with others who understand from a similar perspective. No one, including us, really knows what to do when confronted with BC. I guess given a choice we would all like to just pretend it isn't happening. I know my brother is not one to show emotion so I guess he just never knew what to say or do and then maybe felt awkward and this made things worse. I do know that I now feel ok about it and can hopefully move forward and enjoy Christmas. Hope you have a terrific Christmas with your family and that 2015 is a happy and healthy one for you all. Deanne xxx
It took me years to understand why my brother didn't support me through my breast cancer and treatments. He simply couldn't cope, having lost our mother to the same disease. While I put my head down and got on with it, he simply couldn't handle my illness and pain. His wife was the most wonderful support through my chemo although I went through radio completely alone. Reaching out to my brother became too painful but through this, a lesson has been learned. He is still my brother and I have to allow him to feel the way he does and to act the way he does, even when it hurts me. He is not a bad man but he is not infallible. Forgive your brother - these men are often weaker than we want them to be and that's okay. xxx
- Not just smiling but laughing out loud! I think I just needed to let out the hurt, so I could move on and I now feel I have a plan in place to make sure Christmas is enjoyable for all the family! Trying to keep things in and pretend that everything was just like it used to be was just making it worse. I've readjusted my thinking and tonight will start celebrating with a Bbq with my sister and her family. Looking forward to my daughter coming home on Christmas Eve. AND my wonderful parents are getting all of us together for a trip back to our childhood (embarrassing photos of us on our many family 'holidays' when we spent weeks travelling around Australia). Should make for some healing laughs! Hope your Christmas is special too! Wishing you a terrific 2015 filled with good health and happiness. Love, Deanne xoxo
Just catching up on reading posts Deanne......sigh! Seems a common thread among us hey? But....thank goodness again for this forum of understanding & supportive "sisters" ..... And as Robyn said, I guess we need to concentrate on those who do care & love us....wishing you best wishes for Xmas & hope you get through relatively unscathed by negativity via your brother & his family....and special wishes for a fab 2015.
Thanks for your wonderful support & reassuring comments for all of us on here!
Jen x
