Forum Discussion
everyone has an opinion
Hi there, I am 42 and.have been diagniosed with early breast cancer. Whilst I am getting through all the medical appointments , treatments , one day at a time,. and have had great support from family and friends, I am finding that everyone wants to give you advice...are you eating enough...are you resting enough, have you lost weight .. etc etc. I am aware that people often dont know what to say , yet some times this can be the opposite, and infact they feel they can make any comment at all about the way you look and your health.Has anyone any advice for how to respond to such comments, without been rude !!!!Cheers S.
19 Replies
It is interesting to read all the comments. I found sometimes I was positive at other times just a mess of tears as chemo also put me through menopause. I found that sometimes I could talk about my cancer journey and at other times like so many of you would try to change the subject.
I didn't go back to work for 8 months and deliberately chose a Friday to get a soft start when many staff were at a biannual conference.
I too work at a Uni so If people ask about my hair or arm (lymphoedema garment), I usually use it as an opportunity to say have you .mother/sister/wife had their breastscreen mammogram? Do you take advantage of other screening or preventative treatments? Prevention sure is better than cure. early diagnosis beter than advanced. cancer
On the home front, I now avoid seeing those who continually made negative comments preferring people who themselves are more positive or helpful in their lifestyle. Similalry found an exercise group better than attending a hospital based group which often became so negative, I ended up feeling worse than when I arrived.
Like everything in life, it is up to you to accept what advice you like & ditch the rest . Think of all the advice you get about breastfeeding & moving your baby onto to solids; or how you simply must do This or that for your child's wedding - hey whose wedding is it? Are you paying for it?
I also found attending medically based session at hospital or especially BCNA sessions for those of us diagnosed with cancer or breastcancer far better method of receiving authoritative messages of the AUSTRALIAN situation than hearing sotries of doom and gloom.
I did sometimes reply to those who had bad stories that I had heard of someones AUnt who like my Mum had radical mastectomy & lived well into her 90s & died of something else. Or that if it were not for my Mum's cancer, I would not be here as I wouldn't have been having annual mammograms!
Hope this helps,
Just keep thinking you are being pushed uphill by the medical train & think of something nice to do when you get over that hill!
You're definitely not alone with that one...perhaps knowing that might help a little. I remember my mum telling me that although people's "friendly advice"(her words not mine:-)) was "driving me crazy" (once again, her words not mine!!) people who care about you want to feel like they are contributing to your wellbeing and care whilst you 're unwell and that's about all they have to offer really. Mostly I smiled politely and said thanks for the advice but there were times when I had no energy for that too!!! All the best. X
You're definitely not alone with that one...perhaps knowing that might help a little. I remember my mum telling me that although people's "friendly advice"(her words not mine:-)) was "driving me crazy" (once again, her words not mine!!) people who care about you want to feel like they are contributing to your wellbeing and care whilst you 're unwell and that's about all they have to offer really. Mostly I smiled politely and said thanks for the advice but there were times when I had no energy for that too!!! All the best. X
I work in a large health organistation, and also have to see clients who dont know of my BC.It can be difficult because I have had some time off work , and my clients paticularly always want to know why.I think sometimes its the anticipation of people asking and wanting to know why that can make it hard ,so its helps to have some answers ready especially ,when you may not want to go into all the details on a daily basis.take carexo
- Hi Michelle, the wig removal is interesting. I found a lot of people quite interested to see what my bald head looked like, but I would only remove it if they wanted to see. Then I would get comments like, "oh, you have a nice shaped head" LOL. I guess we are all so individual, and all respond differently. I have seen 2 women recently, in my local shops, (both strangers to me) who are wearing turbans, and I desperately wanted to go up to a say something. You know, I haven't been brave enough, and when a smile hasn't been acknowledged, I've just walked on. I fear regection in this situation, and I guess so do our friends. How bad is that?, but knowing how different everyone feels, has made me feel unsure about reaching out to a stranger, and that makes me feel awkward. I wish you well with your chemo. I hope you will not have a bad time with it. I was very lucky, as my chemo didn't knock me around much at all. Love Chris xx
I love your posts - always down to earth and such good advice. I start chemo tomorrow for 18 weekly sessions, so the hair will be gone in a couple of weeks. If taking off the wig stops the questions, I 'll do it too! Noone has offended me either. Sometimes the questions are a bit heavy-handed, but at least they care enough to try asking. Wish me luck tomorrow -
love, Michelle xx
Hi Tania, I quite like the idea of saying I have had enough of talking about me , lets talk about some thing else. it is nice to think people care and ask quetsions , but this is one time in your life where we have to come first, and shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to go into every detail with people....or as you said only those you choose to.thanks and take care .Sxo
- Hi all, I must be weird, but I was never offended by people's comments. Yes, it did annoy me at times when I would get the "chin up, be positive" talk, because of course I was being positive, and how dare someone feel they need to remind me of that. My Dad always says, " you are looking well, how do you feel?" I can forgive him for that, because even though I'm 53 I am still his little girl, and he wants to know that I am ok. I would prefer to be asked silly questions than have nothing mentioned, and then wonder if people actually cared. When people asked about my hair, I'd often take off my wig and show them. That would usually stop more probing. People can be insensitive, but it is probably ignorance, and the need for them to feel like they are helping somehow. I had many more positive responses from people than negative, so I think I was lucky. All the best, love Chris xx
You are so right, we need to be and usually are positive but NO ONE can be positive 100% of the time. Especially when they are scared, gpoing through treatment, waiting for results etc etc.
You can be positive and down at the same time, or positive and scare, or temporarily not positive. This is all 100% normal. But you are right the only peopel who truly understand this seem to be others who have gone or are going through it.
THANK GOODNESS for this site, and other Breast Cancer support groups.
Yes, I don't know what is is with some people, who suddenly seem the think we are breast cancer, with people attached, not people with breast cancer. While we have this Sh1tty disease it isNOT the be all and end all of our lives.
We are NOT our diagnosis.
