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Janet_Plummer's avatar
Janet_Plummer
Member
12 years ago

What they don't tell you!

When you get that initial diagnosis you know there is going to be surgery. At least one of your breasts, whether you have a mastectomy or lumpectomy, is never going to be the same again.  That's the first blow.

For most of us there is also chemotherapy and we lose all our hair - another knock-out blow to our self-esteem and femininity. It's been nearly a year since mine started falling out and I still cringe everytime I look in the mirror.  I alternate between the wig and hats but I'm soooo fed up with it.

Maybe I'm vain, I don't know, but I've not been able to come to grips with baldness and now very short hair. It depresses me very much. But the assault to our breasts and the hair loss are expected. What I wasn't prepared for, and what has slowly dawned on me over the last 13 months or so since diagnosis, is that breast cancer - or least the treatment for it - can fast track you into old age.

Estrogen, that lovely hormone that once kept us young and sexy, is now the enemy. If your ovaries aren't blugeoned into an early retirement by chemo, then tamoxifen will hoover up your estrogen leaving you in a menopausal limbo. Better get used to hot flushes at the very least.

Previously my comments about tamoxifen on this site have been mainly positive. But after 4 months of popping the dreaded little white pill every morning I'm starting to wonder whether I've been kidding myself. Am I just imagining it or is my skin recently become much dryer and crepier (like an old lady)? Why have I been awake since 2.30am this morning? Am I depressed because of tamoxifen or because I've been awake since 2.30am this morning. And actually despite what I"ve said to the contrary here previously, now that I've been paying closer attention I think my libido has dropped away.

All of this sucks but I don't really get to complain about it because, hey I'm 47, and menopause would've happened soon anyway. "It's all part of the normal aging process," is my thirty-something oncologist's way of briskly dismissing any of these issues. And while I'm sure she is correct, I can't help feeling I've been cheated out of the last five years of my "youth".

I'm just not ready to be an old lady yet.

As I write this I am very concious that there are many of you that have suffered a great deal more than me with this wretched disease - women much younger than me dealing with these issues, women with advanced breast cancer.

I'm sorry if my complaints sound trivial but today at least I need to vent.

19 Replies

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  • terrymoore's avatar
    terrymoore
    Member
    12 years ago

    thankyou Bel yeh I know . I have put on weight though and it has aged me so its time to get stuck into healthier eating I think and yoga for a start.

    cheers

    Terry

  • terrymoore's avatar
    terrymoore
    Member
    12 years ago

    hello all

    oh wonderful reading all your comments . Its so nice to know we all understand eachother and care.

    I also had a huge problem with losing my beautiful thick healthy locks which I treasured. But I was pro-active and had my head shaved just before it was due to fall out ( a good move )

    i find the bald old woman in the mirror a bit hard to handle some days but I always try and think of myself as Sigorney Weaver in Alien ( I have the complete series) and hope Iam as tough as her ....hehe !!

    what i cant handle is Ive lost my hair but its growing a forest on my chin and on my top lip ...whats with that ??? lol

    anyway Im 56 and although 10 years older than you i still think i am far too young for this old woman stuff .. Ill tell you a story ....it was my step-fathers 70 and all his family were there many of which i did not know. One ladysaid ""oh you must be Pams sister" I just stood there because I thought i looked nice that day and said no Im not and walked away. I went to the toilet and cried and cried. Pam is my Mum. Now my Mum is 76 and she is gorgeous for her age and young and happy and a party girl but she still is older and you can tell now shes getting up there. so to have someone say that really hurt. Am I looking THAT old???

    Yes its bloody hard this thing we go through but there is an end and as long as we have those who care around us we will be ok ...it sjust the journey can be sooo hard sometimes

    cheers to you Terry

  • magicmum's avatar
    magicmum
    Member
    12 years ago

    Every time I feel bad about something I just try to remember that I've hopefully been given the rest of my life.

    I hate the new look hair, even though everyone tells me how good it looks - but it's different to the me from before.

    I hate being tired all the time, I hate the unsettled gut issues, I hate the joint pain.

    But more than that - I hate the fact that so many on this site are so young, just babies with a whole life to live. And some of them have lost the fight :(  These are the times when I feel alternately guilty that I'm older and I've had a life and seen my children grow up, and then grateful that I have a chance to get even older.

    It's a lottery and some might win.

    Ranting about the crap is really really good - I hope all of you have a partner or family member who doesn't mind when you do it, but remember to count the blessings too.

    much love

    magicmum

  • NaturalBel's avatar
    NaturalBel
    Member
    12 years ago

    I had to stop reading your blog to scroll back up to the top of the page to see if Id written this piece myself.  I laughed and at the end I breathed  a "knowing" sigh, no they dont tell us everything.  I am 47 too, and experiencing a lot of what you are saying.  I am aware I have way too much time on my hands, but well, Im not what I used to be and thats starting to show up too.  Just like youve said, we have all changed.  I am finding I am going through a thousand things at the moment like you are, and have altered how I thought in the beginning.  I am being careful to not get over whelmed, but its hard when I feel like I have had my magic carpet pulled out from under me, and now been put on tthe "Fast Plane of Reality" instead.  I am only just starting to absorb the reality to be honest, and was in a bubble for the first 6 months which suited me nicely.  I wasnt offended by a word you said, and I always assume that this website is for us, and for the people who are directly involved with Breast Cancer.  I hope no-one does judge us by our "Rants" because I have had many.  But I have also been picked up each time Ive had doubts, I have had a laugh when I think I am the only one feeling this way and clearly Im not, and if I cry, I dont feel guilty.  Yep, I have the "Prisoner" hairstyle, I too am in instant Menopause, I am regularly getting cranky and well, lets face it, we could all write a book couldnt we!  But I send a big hug, and now, Im off for my afternoon sleep and a good book to read.  xx Bel

  • Janet_Plummer's avatar
    Janet_Plummer
    Member
    12 years ago
    Oh jeez, what a dreadful rant. I'm so sorry to any estrogen positve women about to start tamoxifen that I've brought down with that post. It's really not as bad as all that. Most of the time I'm extremely grateful that my cancer was caught early and that I haven't suffered too severely with the treatment side effects. I'm even grateful in a way for the tamoxifen as it apparently reduces my chances of recurrance by a significant 12%.I feel extrardinarily lucky to have a second chance. I guess every so often though, I have a "why me?" moment. It's terrible what sleep deprivation will do to you!Yes the hair thing is a pain but it's growing, I just have to be patient. Otherwise Ness I would say don't worry too much about the tamoxifen. It seems to have different effects for everyone (haven't heard of it affecting teeth before Janey). I find my side effects are usually managable. I just have to be a bit more disciplined about eating healthy food, exercising regularly, avoiding alcohol (which disrupts my sleep and makes the hot flushes worse), not consuming tea/coffee after about 2pm and not drinking too many fluids in the evening (so I don't wake up needing to go the toilet). Maybe I had too many coffees the other day.So in a way, BC has put me on a healthier path. I'd probably still be guzzling loads of diet coke, avoiding vegetables and knocking back the chardonnay a little too often if it wasn't for my diagnosis. Maybe in the long run I'll be better off.
  • Nessk's avatar
    Nessk
    Member
    12 years ago
    I thought I was going to be fine about losing my hair too. In fact to start with I was more worried about losing my hair than my Boob. But I guess that was me just trying to convince myself I was ok about it when clearly I wasn't, when I started to lose it then shaved my head it all hit me. Now I'm on the emotional rollercoaster that I've read so much about. I am doing chemo at them moment as well and not coping with the chemo either. So I'm hoping that I'll get a break before the fun of tamoxifen. Does anyone know how long the side effect last? I hope things get easier for youNess xx
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    12 years ago
    Did any one have any fillings fall out. I had one go and then within a week another one went. My teeth aren't perfect but apart from a few fillings over the years I've never had any major problems. My Dentist informed me that I needed three more fillings replaced and that I'd need crowns in the future. She also fitting me with a splint (mouth guard) which I pick up next week. As I apparently grind my teeth. No wonder a grind, I am so angry about all this. My gums are healthy at present and I haven't had much in the way of mouth sores, just the odd ulcer. Nobody every told me about teeth issues!!!!! Is there nothing we are spared? Okay that's the vent and I know I am much better off than a lot of other women but I didn't expect the saying "life wasn't meant to be easy" to be taken literally with me. Sorry I'm feeling bone sore, tired and irritable.
  • JENNIFERJ's avatar
    JENNIFERJ
    Member
    12 years ago

    I AGREE WITH THE HAIR THINK I JUST COULD NOT DEAL WITH THE HAIR LOSS I DID NOT LET MANY SEE ME WITHOUT MY WIG AND SHORT HAIR I HAVE NOT HAD SHORT HAIR SINCE I WAS BORN ALMOST. I AM 14 MONTHS GROWING MY HAIR AND I AM GREAT FULL FOR EVERY BIT THAT HAS COME BACK. I ALWAYS HAD CURLY HAIR AND BEFORE BC I STRAIGHTED IT FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS SINCE THE GHD WAS INVENTED. SHORT CURLY HAIR I HATED AND NOW ITS LONG ENOUGH TO STRAIGHTEN I LOVE IT. XXX

  • moira1's avatar
    moira1
    Member
    12 years ago
    And thats exactly what we are here for, we want to hear about your bad days as well as your good days.  And what you say i think everyone on here can relate to.  We just have to accept it's the new us, When I heard i would lose my hair my initial reaction was well it;s only hair!!!...   WRONG.... I could not look in the mirror without feeling sick, My hair was more valuable to me than i originally thought. so it's just another thing we have to come to terms with as well as all the other side effects.  I personally am now the New Me, and am just glad I am one of the lucky ones, who is still around to tell the story.Please keep comming back, and vent or laugh we are all in this together...Regards Moira x