Vulnerability
Hi all,
I'm almost finished my radiotherapy treatment, 17 sessions done and only 3 to go.. hooray! So relieved and happy to be near the end. You would think by now I would be getting used to the routine wouldn't you but hmm anyway..
At my original planning appointment in the CT I couldn't shake the feeling of vulnerability I felt. Eventually I became overwhelmed and I ended up crying (not sobbing, just tears kept pouring out of my eyes) which made it very difficult to do my deep inspiratory breathing as I couldn't breath through my nose! I think it was the combination of being naked and exposed from the waist up & having my arms fixed above me whilst several people were very close to my boobs, touching, measuring etc. I've never felt this at any of my other appointments or treatments - I was even fine in the MRI scanner. I have always been a very private person so I guess this is a major part of it.
For the most part, I have been able to just get on with things each radiotherapy session since, and at least they are faster than the planning appointment. However, today after the RTs left the room they took much longer to start the machine & I was left lying there for what seemed like ages with no-one telling me what was going on. Then when it was finally all done & they came back in, one of them started giving me advice about my breathing and said that I seemed to be moving my back too much (although no-one had said this throughout the session). He did this all whilst not having told me they were finished so I was still lying there in that naked vulnerable position, then he finally took the breathing monitor off my chest so I could cover myself up. I apologised to him then as I was leaving I could hear him talking about me to his colleague and how he'd re-explained how I should breathe.
So, to cut a long story short I've spent the afternoon being very emotional about the whole experience again.. annoyed that I still don't seem to be breathing correctly and feeling unable to shake the feeling of vulnerability even after all this time of exposing my breasts. I know I have so much to be grateful for - I'm so lucky to still have my own breasts, plus radiotherapy is one of the 'easier' treatments but I just cant wait till its all over, thankfully I'm nearly there.
I'm almost finished my radiotherapy treatment, 17 sessions done and only 3 to go.. hooray! So relieved and happy to be near the end. You would think by now I would be getting used to the routine wouldn't you but hmm anyway..
At my original planning appointment in the CT I couldn't shake the feeling of vulnerability I felt. Eventually I became overwhelmed and I ended up crying (not sobbing, just tears kept pouring out of my eyes) which made it very difficult to do my deep inspiratory breathing as I couldn't breath through my nose! I think it was the combination of being naked and exposed from the waist up & having my arms fixed above me whilst several people were very close to my boobs, touching, measuring etc. I've never felt this at any of my other appointments or treatments - I was even fine in the MRI scanner. I have always been a very private person so I guess this is a major part of it.
For the most part, I have been able to just get on with things each radiotherapy session since, and at least they are faster than the planning appointment. However, today after the RTs left the room they took much longer to start the machine & I was left lying there for what seemed like ages with no-one telling me what was going on. Then when it was finally all done & they came back in, one of them started giving me advice about my breathing and said that I seemed to be moving my back too much (although no-one had said this throughout the session). He did this all whilst not having told me they were finished so I was still lying there in that naked vulnerable position, then he finally took the breathing monitor off my chest so I could cover myself up. I apologised to him then as I was leaving I could hear him talking about me to his colleague and how he'd re-explained how I should breathe.
So, to cut a long story short I've spent the afternoon being very emotional about the whole experience again.. annoyed that I still don't seem to be breathing correctly and feeling unable to shake the feeling of vulnerability even after all this time of exposing my breasts. I know I have so much to be grateful for - I'm so lucky to still have my own breasts, plus radiotherapy is one of the 'easier' treatments but I just cant wait till its all over, thankfully I'm nearly there.
