Unraveling!!

Hi Lani,

Like the others, I was so saddened with what you are going through!  I went to see one of the oncology psychs at RPA hospital in Sydney but found her not to be the one for me, so I saw a bereavment psychologist who was also free to attend.  She was also a breast cancer survivor so she knew about it from that side too.  My husband was good but my teenage children-3 of them were not helpful or particularly kind.

Your husband probably hates himself for what he has said to you, but may not know what to do, but in case he does mean it, tell HIM to go not you!!

Best of Luck,

Julia

Hi SuzieQ,

Best of luck with your chemo, I hope that it is a great success with minimal side affects.

I have sourced another counsellor a female this time, and have had one session.  I will see where this takes me.

Thank you so much for your support.

Ronica

Hi Honey,  Counsellors expect return appointments.  They would go out of business otherwise.  Try to talk to him again.  It sounds like he was very good for you and you do sound more positive.  

You will get there.  You are a lot stronger than you believe.  I have justs had my second round of chemo and want this to be over so badly.  I will talk more when I am able.  Love Suziexxx

Thank you Suzieq, I certainly agree about fair weather partners.  Yes it does eat at your self esteem, but I guess I know from my own instance, it's totally like even the blank page has even been ripped from under you.

I guess I can understand a bit of Lani's partner as he has been through a significantly bad time before.  Yet its certainly no excuse at a time she needs significant support and I understand her embarassment in telling others.  This is where this is such a good avenue for her to at least be able to voice her feelings and be supported as we know at least the cancer side of her journey.

I too have not asked for emotional assistance in my town and have sourced the original lot of counselling via my BC Nurse.  The counsellor was great, but I feel embarassed to go back to him because of my unravelling again.  The town is where my ex was born and due to his mother passing when he was about 5 or 6 the old guard in the town still protect him no matter what - I guess it's what you call the good and the bad of small rural towns.

The counsellor in my case was a male - and I am pleased that I agreed to a male counsellor as I do not want to become a man hater and I know there are some fantastic husbands and partners out there.

He said of the cancer diagnosis, treatment and my partner, "What you have been through with the diagnosis and treatment is the equivalent of just having come out of a war zone, he should have been able to put his issues on hold for  you for a while".  That's true he should have.

I am in awe of those men and partners that do their best to understand and be there for their person going through breast cancer - not only women get breast cancer.

My difficulty is just now moving forward because for every step I take towards that new blank sheet, the futher away it seems to be pulled.  It will happen, I will get there, but I certainly didn't need the emotional relationship journey.

Thank you

Lani and Ronica.  My heart breaks for you.  Fair weather partners!  What can I say?  Except, who wants a fair weather partner? What is it about women who, when rejected by a lowlife, seem to want the prick even more!  Look, I understand it must be dreadful going through this hell without a partner but reaching down inside my soul I think it would be much worse going through this with a shallow partner. That would eat away at my self esteem.   If this ever happened to me I would lean heavily on my family and close friends.  I would tell them how much I need their support at this time - I wouldn't pretend to be strong - I would expect their support.   People actually want to feel needed and want to help but do not want to interfere or upset someone going through cancer.  You actually have to tell them!  Once you do you will be amazed at the response.  I would also be telling myself I am going to get through this.  I am going to be stronger, more beautiful fitter and happier than I have ever been in my life.  Look out world here I come.  This is my second chance and I am not going to waste one second of it looking back.  I would be telling myself I have but one life and I will not waste one more precious second of it being emotionally attached to a man who clearly does not deserve me. At times, I have been an absolute bitch to my husband during the past 2 months and he, at times, has been insensitive but at the end of the day I know he loves me and will stand by me no matter what.  I knew that when I married him.  When you get through this, and you will, look forward to your new life.  What that life looks like depends entirely on you - not some shallow bastard.  I truly believe when a door closes a window openes somewhere but you have to close the door first.  You are the author of this new life.  You are currently sitting looking at a the first blank page wondering what to write.  What do you want it to say?  It is up to you.  Love and kisses Suzieq

Hi Lani,

I was not married or living with my boyfriend and he promised to be there for me, but then decided that "he needed time to himself - I'm not going off to be with other women"  To then be repeatedly down at the female neighbour's place.  I yelled at him and now I have an IVO against me.  He did over $2,000 damage to my car, but because I yelled first I have the IVO.  All that resulted in me being more upset bitter and depressed and he just visiting the neighbour freely.  All I did was verbally abuse him.

I have undergone several sessions of counselling prior to the incident, and am now seeking to find more counselling. 

I am so incredibly hurt by his cheating and lack of concern or respect for me through the whole journey.  He did partly support me with cooking and running me to 4 of the six chemo sessions.  However when doing radiotherapy, could not be bothered to even come and say welcome back when I drove home for the weekend some 270km.  Too busy with that neighbour.

Some said he had difficulty with my diagnosis, and I understand that its difficult for men particularly to share their feelings.  However I gave him a copy of the "When the woman you love has early breast cancer" CD and he I don't think ever bothered to even listen.

After all of this its over 17 months since we split and he is still visiting the neighbour.  I stopped the other day while they were both in her front yard and said to them that I thought they were both "Scum" and "what a low act".  Of course because I have the IVO they threatened to call the police.  This is a case of IVO being used inappropriately.

I still care for him deeply despite what he has done and would at least have liked to have had us both attend counselling.  I had tried many many times to get him to talk and be open and honest about the whole relationship issue (many times before and definately after my diagnosis and treatment).  I can't make someone care for me if he doesn't, however, I feel that he will again contact me in the future.

Does he truly not care that the diagnosis and treatment is time for him to be there and man up? 

Anyway, I just wanted to share and let you know you are not alone.  I hope things have taken an positive upward turn since your last post.  Sadly there are many many people who just simply are lacking consideration and concern along with genuine honesty.

I got diagnosed two years ago this month and the journey has been emotionally draining for me because of the relationship issues. 

Sorry to make it sound about me, but in all I understand where you are coming from.  Good Luck and I hope you know in all of this you are not alone.  :)

Hi Lani

Hope it is all working out for you as we are all thinking of you and hope things have fallen in to place.

Wishing you lots of good wishes, good vibes and comfortinig hugs

Mich xoxo

Lovely comments, great advice!