Trying to behave
Yesterday I trudged back into the chemo ward for the first time in 10 years. Round one of four completed without any significant problems, except for the ones in my head. I've been disease free for so long I thought I'd somehow skated around this disease, but no.
Thing is, I am carrying some serious baggage from my previous treatment. I was so bloody angry with my oncologists last time that in the end I set that boat alight and pushed it towards the horizon vowing never to let another cent pass between my hands and theirs. Which has meant me doing some fairly fancy footwork to secure bulk billed oncology services from a town 100km away and get my chemo delivered locally. That, and a variety of unforeseeable and unavoidable surgical complications has kept me pretty busy for a couple of months, but now I'm back in the chair, all my anger, distrust and frustration from last time is really wearing me down.
I'm an older and wiser woman now who's not under the family pressure I was last time, even though financially the whole thing is a disaster. I'm much more capable of coordinating my treatment and am probably over informed but this feeling of hypervigilance is exhausting. The previous communication failures and resultant cock-ups haunt me and even though I have confidence (as much as I'm ever likely to have) in my current provider, just being in the cancer environment makes me really hostile and combative.
It's all well and good to admit you have a right to be angry, but all the support services to help manage that are too scarce to be of any use around here. I'm getting pretty pissed off with being asked to donate to causes that provide minimal resources in country areas unless you find having an online rant a bit cathartic. Which I probably do.
3 months wait to see a shrink (damn you Christmas holidays) Exercise programs designed for the elderly....pffft. Not much help.
Thing is, I am carrying some serious baggage from my previous treatment. I was so bloody angry with my oncologists last time that in the end I set that boat alight and pushed it towards the horizon vowing never to let another cent pass between my hands and theirs. Which has meant me doing some fairly fancy footwork to secure bulk billed oncology services from a town 100km away and get my chemo delivered locally. That, and a variety of unforeseeable and unavoidable surgical complications has kept me pretty busy for a couple of months, but now I'm back in the chair, all my anger, distrust and frustration from last time is really wearing me down.
I'm an older and wiser woman now who's not under the family pressure I was last time, even though financially the whole thing is a disaster. I'm much more capable of coordinating my treatment and am probably over informed but this feeling of hypervigilance is exhausting. The previous communication failures and resultant cock-ups haunt me and even though I have confidence (as much as I'm ever likely to have) in my current provider, just being in the cancer environment makes me really hostile and combative.
It's all well and good to admit you have a right to be angry, but all the support services to help manage that are too scarce to be of any use around here. I'm getting pretty pissed off with being asked to donate to causes that provide minimal resources in country areas unless you find having an online rant a bit cathartic. Which I probably do.
3 months wait to see a shrink (damn you Christmas holidays) Exercise programs designed for the elderly....pffft. Not much help.
