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Lunanoire's avatar
Lunanoire
Member
11 years ago

The Second Gate - or I don't want to play anymore

I have blogged in detail about my recent thoughts here and already am feeling that nothing I have been attempting to prepare myself for seems to be working.

I thought that being diagnosed Stage 2 whereby my lumpectomy surgery (scheduled for next week) will mean I can be patted on the head and sent home with a few doses of radiotherapy.  However hearing about and reading the personal expenses from others, I am fast realising that it may very well NOT be as simple as that.  That it is not uncommon for the diagnosis to change during the surgery and the follow-up treatment actually could last for many years.

I'm now having serious doubts whether I can do this despite the experts saying that my diagnosis is early.  I know that other women have gone through a hell of a lot more than what I am currently lead to believe is in store for me and as such I really have no right to complain or even feel half the things that I am feeling.

But I don't want this.  I don't want to have my body mutilated by this thing I've got inside of me.  Even the possibility that I may (not will but may) lose my hair scares the shit out of me.  My friend whose gone through chemo with bowel cancer is even suggesting that she will go with me, that she will give me her scarves.  But I don't want this.

My independent and freedom has been cruelly snatched away from me. I've spent the last two weeks being virtually degraded by Centrelink and now face the prospect that everything I have worked hard for and saved for will be taken away from me in the blink of an eye and I will be left destitute and unemployable.  Everything that I have been working towards, that I find joy and comfort in now seem so far away. Beyond my reach and almost impossible now for me to obtain again

I hate how I can wake up feeling of top of the world that I have scored 85% in a assignment and then three hours later crash so low that nothing holds any meaning for me.

I met some lovely ladies yesterday at a support group but they were not like me.  My friends are not like me.  No one seems to be like me.  If I am like this now, what I am going to be this time next week after my surgery?

I don't want to play anymore.  I really don't want to play.

10 Replies

  • adean's avatar
    adean
    Member
    11 years ago

    Look I will be honest with you I bought a dress for my funeral. I'm still alive it was something I only dreamed about wearing , very glamorous and it's in the cupboard because it's 3 years since my diagnosis, and I had really shit times .you haven't even got your plan yet,yes that brain will run with despair but only if we allow it, yes go and do something fun but it is ok to feel sorry for yourself as well. And support groups no there not for everyone but it's maybe to early for you or maybe it was a touch of reality that you don't want to be part of but actually are. Sending you a hug. Adean

  • June1952's avatar
    June1952
    Member
    11 years ago
    Hello Lunanoire Come on - let's go play ! You might have fun ! As I have blogged before, some ladies in support groups tend to feed off each other's miseries and, really, that is not what you need. At these 'dark' times we need people who are able to lighten our lives a bit. You mentioned making jewellery before - you must be a clever lady so why not concentrate on that area of your life and perhaps create something which is a symbol of BC which can bring light and peace to others ? Yes, they can mutilate our bodies and make us be hairless for a while but they cannot break our mind or spirit. Now, girl, come on - go out and play like you've never played before ! Make yourself an Affirmation and stick with it - good luck with your surgery this week. Summer :-)
  • mona63's avatar
    mona63
    Member
    11 years ago

    I can relate to this! Trying not to compare yourself is tricky at the best of times but you have a right to your feelings  several years past I recently had some fears of cancer again but just make room for it and seems to peak about a month before yearly mamma gram& ultrasound.  I didn't feel mutilated after lumpectomy but rather developed a appreciation of my surgeon's skill and consideration. I thanked her for it last year when I saw her and she says it helps recovery : physical and emotional. I have a small dent but no scar.  I avoided support groups and felt life continued pretty much as normal although I did take some days off during radiation and through out over did self care -if there is a thing! I like massage which supported any physical 'trauma' of treatment . Its not inspirational but I'm not drawn to that concept anyway! Best wishes

  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago

    Oh love, my heart breaks for you. I so remember feeling like this in the beginning. (And along the way ) Just a couple of things I wanted to say. I was sacked with still 3 months treatment to go and thought no one would hire me. My hair was just starting to grow back (I looked like a baby chimp). But I did get hired and in every interview I did, no one cared about the breast cancer. Everyone knows someone who has been down this path. You will find joy again and be able to enjoy life. I won't say it will necessarily be the same but life is good. Centrelink are arseholes! Yes things can change in the early days with your diagnosis and treatments but once you know exactly what you have to do to beat this, it does become easier. The whole not knowing does your head in. Unfortunately, you have to do this. The    only other option sucks. None of us are the same but we do go through very similar emotions and generally there will be someone who has been through something similar. You are scared and that's ok. It is scary but you will get through. Hopefully after surgery and you get your pathology results and treatment plan, your anxiety will start to reduce. Hang in there and talk to us any time. Karen xox

  • maryroset1's avatar
    maryroset1
    Member
    11 years ago

    Hey lunanoire

    What you are feeling is very normal. I recall feeling so overwhelmed when i was first diagnosed. Please take one day at a time one appointment at a time. You may not feel like it now but your life will return to normal. Try not to worry as stressing out out isnt good for you and achieves nothing. Be kind to yourself and hope your surgery goes well.

    Maryrose 

    Maryrose

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous
    Not applicable
    11 years ago

    Hi Lunanoire, it's normal to not feel like others. I live in a little rural community and seem to be the only person in our town going through breast cancer treatment. I have had to resign from my job, lost all my hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes, and my life has completely changed. We are all individuals with individual journeys. What I have discovered along the way is how loved I am by my family and friends and that is more precious than any material things or importance in employment. Your treatment will come and go, and you will return to whatever life you had before. You'll find your new normal, just make it what you want, and take it 1 day and 1 appointment at a time. Give yourself time to recover, so that you can come back to a stronger, more remarkable life. Take care, Tracey B ??????