The last illusion of control dissolves

A heartfelt post Inkpetal. I hear you. I resent the intrusion. It has been frustrating and down right unfair but we are resilient. That same determination that has you fighting the bureaucracy of the university will have you pick yourself up, dust yourself and get on with it. Yes we have permission to be pissed BUT I don't believe life is a waste. I DON'T BELIEVE YOUR LIFE IS A WASTE.

We have been forced to pull our dreams up short. Our choices have been curtailed in a way no other can understand unless they have been where we have been. But our heart still beats, our brains still tick over and the days still roll one into the other. So we take control. We rethink our dreams, we review our choices we make new decisions and embrace the changes. Your story tells me your an intelligent girl so I think you start a new journey that will be an inspiring one to follow.

Jackie. 

Thank you Georgina,

What happens tomorrow will happen tomorrow, I'm not worried about or overwhelmed by it. I made a schedule on day three after diagnosis (Jan 30) and don't look past the month of bookings. I'm less worried about the wills than the won'ts. 

I need something to do to feel like a functional human being. The book-making is nice as a project but it's just that - exactly as you say, frustration, of wasted potential.

Wow, so many procedures in one go. Gosh you'll be healing for a while, but I suppose you know what to expect this time around at least (Anesthesia completely scared me as I went under, I thought I was dying! I kid you not, I went down yelling "Take it out!" hahaha! So silly now that I'm looking back). I hope everything rolls smoothly and as stress free as possible. *hug*

Inkpetal, I'm so sorry that you feel so helpless in the face of this, as we all do.  Having to accept that our lives have to be put on hold while we go through operations and treatment for this horrible disease is very hard to do.  Twelve years ago I nearly died of heart failure, and was off work for nine months.  A friend who had and still has cancer give me the advice to take my life 'step by step, breath by breath', and to try not to worry about what would happen in a month's time.  It helped get me through that horrible time, and I am using it for this as well.

My mastectomy, reconstruction and reduction of the other breast is on Tuesday, and I am deliberately not thinking beyond that about what further treatment I might need, and so cope this way.

Remember that we are here to support you, and are only keystrokes away.  We too feel and understand the frustration and anger that you are now feeling as huge parts of your life have to come under the control of others.  Here you will find support and understanding.

Take care of yourself

Georgina ??????????????

Thank you Natalie,

It's the confrontation of time and mortality. I keep trying to console myself with "It's just another year" because with any luck... a lot of luck... that's all it will be until I can get on with a normal-ish life.

But my heart doesn't want to listen. It's another year, yet another year, of no university, no work, no purpose. If everything turned the sourest it could in a moment, there wouldn't be a hole left anywhere I've been, not even a mark. As time goes on "just another year" is getting harder and harder to be okay with.

If there are any powers that be, they certainly aren't keen on me. I almost dread the minute I hear the words "cancer free" because I'm sure the universe will deem it time to hit me with a bus or something, haha.

Enough moping and pouring my heart out I think. Time to get productive.

I'm really happy to hear your battles are winding down, just six month check-ups to go?

Sweetie 

you need to take this onboard as a word,not a life sentence. I was diagnosed last May.tuesday I have what may be my last reconstruction surgery and I have learnt more in the last ten months than in my whole life.

you will have your down days as we all do but my god do I see life more brightly now.Eventually you will too. I found my diagnosis very hard to cope with and being a mother of five beautiful kids made me feel selfish and guilty.

We all have a unique and different story,we are all bound by the one diagnosis that makes us lose our breath when we here it....

We will all be here while you come to terms with this and turn your negative into living life to the fullest ??????

hugs Nat ????