I’m not sure I can convey in writing how terrified I am I’m not sure there is a word to describe it the worry I feel is debilitating, I already suffer from anxiety and this is just exasperating it, i was diagnosed about a month ago and have had a Lumpectomy with good results margins were clear and lymph nodes were clear, my cancer is triple negative and they are still wanting me to have chemo and radiation. The plan is 12 weekly doses of chemo then about 15-20 treatments of radiation along with Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year. I am supposed to go to Hospital on Tuesday for Echocardiogram, Port Insertion and my first chemo. Everday for the last two weeks I have woken up at 6am in what I think is a panic attack I have tingles all over my body and shaking and I don’t want to get out of bed I’m at a point where I don’t think I’m going to be able to get myself to the hospital on Tuesday, and on top of all this I live in Melbourne so we have COVID to deal with which means no one can come to hospital with me I have to do this alone.I am terrified of having the port put in and the thought of it being in my body for so long is terrifying to me I am also completely terrified of the chemo and all the worry it will cause me between treatments having to monitor temperature etc etc will be so stressful for me.I have tried conveying this to various people (Doctors, Family, Psycologist) and all they say is you have to do this and take one step at a time, I feel like no one is really grasping how terrified I am and no one is helping me with the mental side of this, am I the only one that feels this way please HELP me as I don’t think I can mentally survive this and am seriously considering not going on Tuesday.

Before I had cancer, I had a tendency to ‘catastrophise’ - imagine the worst that might happen if anything went wrong. Treatment pretty well cured me of that - I learned not to waste my energy on things that might never happen, so I had more energy to deal with the things that did happen! And when I did deal with them, I realised that I could handle a lot more stuff than I knew before. Cancer made me a lot more calm - yes, it’s a ridiculous way to learn that lesson but it is what it is!

Dear @KMAC46...I too hope that all went as well as could be anticipated for you today. You've been in my mind and have reminded me of just how far I am today, from the scared shitless woman I was four years ago facing my first chemo. We've got your back. I posted this a while back on another thread, but I think it's germain.

@KMAC46 and @rebeccamarie My heart goes out to both of you. And everyone else who is struggling with any aspect of their treatment.Everyone copes, or doesn't cope, in their own way. I've been on and off the breast cancer bus since 2006. I've had some time to adapt, but I don't think I will ever adjust to it.Being the cranky big bitch that I am, I cope by dreaming of throat punching anyone I think is fucking me around. Or gets in my way. Parks their car crooked next to me. Fake smiles me... The list of transgressions deserving my wrath is endless. Charming, hey? Thing is, we all find our way of bearing the unbearable stress. I think most of us revert to what ever has worked for us before. Cry, or yell. Do the silent thing. Circle the wagons or tell everyone to get lost. Feeling vulnerable and out of control is totally normal and I don't think anyone goes through this without moments of internal panic and despair. Some of us hide it better, but it's there none the less. Mxx

There will be no greater help than seeking one on one assistance from a counselor or psychologist. I work in this field with addiction and I'm a 6 and a bit year survivor of an aggressive BC diagnosis and when I wanted to stop treatment I had to seek professional help because I wouldn't be here without my port, the chemo, the radiation, the surgery and the 6 years of hormone medication ... Yes it's bloody hard and it makes you question everything you know or believe in as a human being but sometime we are too emotional and entwined in our anxiety/predictions/outcomes/feelings of uncertainty/unhelpful thinking habits and so we need a professional with the skills to be able to objectively help us make sense and cope as best we can

OK really big breath! As you suffer from anxiety, you know that worry breeds worry so time to try and notch things down a little. First of all, you are not alone in your fear but virtually all of those who have experienced fear of treatment before you (that’s nearly all of us!) have managed through somehow. Not always elegantly, often with help, but we’ve done it.Two, take each aspect one by one. Do you need a port, has it been recommended? If you are not worried by needles, you don’t need to have one.Three, chemo is scary but reactions vary immensely and you don’t really know how it will affect you until after you start. For example, I only took my temperature a few times during 6 months of chemo - only when I thought I might have a temperature. Finally, the one thing you can be most certain of is the outcome of having no treatment! The purpose of treatment is to help you get rid of cancer, everything you do is to that good outcome. It’s exasperating if no-one can clearly hear your concerns, a counsellor experienced with cancer patients may be helpful, as are many oncology nurses you will meet. Can you take someone with you next week? A hand to hold helps a lot. Take care.

TERRIFIED of Treatment | BCNA Online Network

49 Replies

kazb
Member
5 years ago
hi @KMAC46 , I dont know which hospital you are going to in Melbourne, but for what it is worth I have just finished my 12 weeks chemo in Melbourne, and for all my treatments and tests COVID restrictions have been in place, so no support person allowed, the staff and medical personel in every instance have been wonderful with reassurance, care and compassion. It may sound hackneyed, but do just take each step at a time, it really is the unknown that is scarier. I didnt have a port, but happy to answer any other questions I can re what will happen during treatment.
Blossom1961
Member
5 years ago
@KMAC46 My early days were just a blur but the unknown can be terrifying. Sending big hugs your way. All of us here understand the terror of not knowing. Please know we will be with you in thoughts. The oncology nurses caring for you do just that. They care. Lean on them for physical support and they will get you through.
Afraser
Member
5 years ago
It’s so much harder for newly diagnosed people at the moment! Just try and envision your treatment flattening cancer cells! Nearly everyone finds things a bit easier when they know what to expect so do everything you can (hard I know with restrictions!) to occupy your mind with other things. Being busy with something else can give some respite.
Best wishes for Tuesday, let us know how you go.
KMAC46
Member
5 years ago
Yes I’ve already been prescribed a light sedative but it is not really helping my partner will be taking me to my hospital appointments so no worries there he just can’t come into the hospital with me
Afraser
Member
5 years ago
I’m not a medical person, I just wondered whether a light sedative had been considered for a short time only. Perhaps someone else on the network can advise. Have you someone who can drive you to the hospital at least and take you home afterwards? Even if we go to stage 4 restrictions, that should be possible.
KMAC46
Member
5 years ago
the Psycologist suggested breathing excercises and doing things that relax me which unfortunately the things I usually do to relax aren’t working at the moment I guess there’s just nothing I can do
Afraser
Member
5 years ago
Sorry, I should have thought of the virus restrictions. I am sure the staff will do all they can to assist and help you. The advantage of a port is as suggested, you don’t have to mess about finding a willing vein each time. Insertion is a one off, but it will stay there for some time. You mention you have talked to a psychologist - did he/she make any suggestions about reducing your anxiety, at least for the first couple of treatments, so you have a bit more time to take everything in and understand the process a bit better?
KMAC46
Member
5 years ago
What you say makes sense @Afraser but I’m just not able to take it in right now they suggested a port as I’m having chemo weekly and the veins won’t cope and no I can’t take anyone with me because of COVID they are only allowing patients and staff in the hospital
Afraser
Member
5 years ago
OK really big breath! As you suffer from anxiety, you know that worry breeds worry so time to try and notch things down a little.
First of all, you are not alone in your fear but virtually all of those who have experienced fear of treatment before you (that’s nearly all of us!) have managed through somehow. Not always elegantly, often with help, but we’ve done it.
Two, take each aspect one by one. Do you need a port, has it been recommended? If you are not worried by needles, you don’t need to have one.
Three, chemo is scary but reactions vary immensely and you don’t really know how it will affect you until after you start. For example, I only took my temperature a few times during 6 months of chemo - only when I thought I might have a temperature.
Finally, the one thing you can be most certain of is the outcome of having no treatment! The purpose of treatment is to help you get rid of cancer, everything you do is to that good outcome. It’s exasperating if no-one can clearly hear your concerns, a counsellor experienced with cancer patients may be helpful, as are many oncology nurses you will meet. Can you take someone with you next week? A hand to hold helps a lot. Take care.

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