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I can so relate to the frustration of wanting to do things and not being able to. And I can also understand if it's in your make up to have all tidy and organised, it is actually really stressful to see things out of control. My husband is being incredibly supportive ... but that doesn't mean this tidy freak hasn't had to let go of how some things are done compared to how I would want them done. This I can live with. I hsve to hor a while! :-) And before you know it, you feel we enough and your body lets you be more active. Cruelly just in time to do chemo (ahead still for me) but I'll deal with that when I have to (physical limitations wise I mean). Some practical ideas: 1. If you can afford to, consider getting a cleaner in once a week or fortnight to tackle things like the bathroom , floors, vacuuming etc and give you a break and keep things under control 2. If you have friends or family in your circle you can ask to help, ask away. I haven't had any practical help from friends so far. And I look at their busy lives and their own issues and think how can I ask ... but if they worked part time or did not have family issues of their own to deal with I would ask. 3. Is your husband going to appointments with you? If not it might help him understand the gravity of what you're dealing with. Perhaps make a joint appointment to meet with the oncologist psych at the hospital treating you so the situation can be explained to him and he can step up to give you the support you need 4. If he doesn't cook...time for him to learn. Even if you get grilled chicken and salad every night for a fortnight. Or perhaps chat to him about getting together in the kitchen to cook up batches of meals you can freeze in portions. Put on some music you both love, pour him a glass of wine and talk him through making a batch of bolognese/pumpkin soup/etc ... he might even Enjoy the time you both spend doing this together. 4. If its in the budget and he doesn't come at helping prepare meals, consider looking up a local small catering business that delivers homemade meals you can freeze. Cheaper than take away and much healthier. It's a horrible place to be ... not knowing what's ahead ... and it's even more acute at this time of year when hospitals and services go into shut down (I am In this limbo hell myself) but as others have noted above, once results are in and a plan is in place the fear does subside and you just take the next steps. We're all different ... but I'd be also looking to book in for some counselling with the hospital taking care of you. I am doing this myself and I am very fortunate to have a husband who can't do enough to be supportive in every way. Having this site to vent,, share and support is fantastic ... having some professional help along the way can only help more. I hope reading the care and concern others have for you here makes you feel a little less scared. X

I can so relate to the frustration of wanting to do things and not being able to. And I can also understand if it's in your make up to have all tidy and organised, it is actually really stressful to see things out of control. My husband is being incredibly supportive ... but that doesn't mean this tidy freak hasn't had to let go of how some things are done compared to how I would want them done. This I can live with. I hsve to hor a while! :-) And before you know it, you feel we enough and your body lets you be more active. Cruelly just in time to do chemo (ahead still for me) but I'll deal with that when I have to (physical limitations wise I mean). Some practical ideas: 1. If you can afford to, consider getting a cleaner in once a week or fortnight to tackle things like the bathroom , floors, vacuuming etc and give you a break and keep things under control 2. If you have friends or family in your circle you can ask to help, ask away. I haven't had any practical help from friends so far. And I look at their busy lives and their own issues and think how can I ask ... but if they worked part time or did not have family issues of their own to deal with I would ask. 3. Is your husband going to appointments with you? If not it might help him understand the gravity of what you're dealing with. Perhaps make a joint appointment to meet with the oncologist psych at the hospital treating you so the situation can be explained to him and he can step up to give you the support you need 4. If he doesn't cook...time for him to learn. Even if you get grilled chicken and salad every night for a fortnight. Or perhaps chat to him about getting together in the kitchen to cook up batches of meals you can freeze in portions. Put on some music you both love, pour him a glass of wine and talk him through making a batch of bolognese/pumpkin soup/etc ... he might even Enjoy the time you both spend doing this together. 4. If its in the budget and he doesn't come at helping prepare meals, consider looking up a local small catering business that delivers homemade meals you can freeze. Cheaper than take away and much healthier. It's a horrible place to be ... not knowing what's ahead ... and it's even more acute at this time of year when hospitals and services go into shut down (I am In this limbo hell myself) but as others have noted above, once results are in and a plan is in place the fear does subside and you just take the next steps. We're all different ... but I'd be also looking to book in for some counselling with the hospital taking care of you. I am doing this myself and I am very fortunate to have a husband who can't do enough to be supportive in every way. Having this site to vent,, share and support is fantastic ... having some professional help along the way can only help more. I hope reading the care and concern others have for you here makes you feel a little less scared. X

Welcome to the Sisterhood - none we chose but the bond is deep & strong!

Take time to work out what is important and what is not - if you need really important things done then ask - ANYONE :-)

From my experience, family & friends are more than happy to do whatever you need them to, but quite often don't offer because they don't want to intrude.

Everyone reacts to the diagnosis differently and it is important to realise that.

Not sure how long it is since your op, what that was and what more surgery you need.  But each individual is different in the recovery time and how quickly you can do things.

Sometimes (as in my case) husbands just don't know what to do, or say - so act as if it doesn't exist and expect that it will all stay the same. I chose to just do what I could, got family & friends to help when needed and asked for a few important things to be done by my husband when was really needed.   I look back and know that I didn't receive a huge amount of support BUT at the end of the day, we can't control how others react, but we have total control over how we react and what our own attitude is.

You will have days that things don't matter, and other days when you can just scream at everything. I think that is normal :-)

This forum has so many members that have been down the BC path and although everyone's story is different, we all understand. This is the place to yell, scream, cry, laugh and anything else - just know that there are many mouths to give you words of "wisdom" and twice as many ears to listen.

Love to you

Leanne :-)

x

 

 

Yes,you would be both scared and frustrated. It's really hard letting go of that control isn't it. I was used to doing everything in the house but after having a broken ankle and breast cancer twice,I had no choice but to let go of my household control.I find men work and shop well when given a list.It has to be explicit too.No good writing "toilet paper"-you'll get sandpaper! Accept standards will drop but really,it doesn't matter. Concentrate on yourself,rest and do what you want(and write lists!) This is often hard for us women to do. Blog back here for info and support- we know what you are going through and it IS scary at first.Once you have pathology results then you'll have a plan and you'll feel more in control.The waiting and the unknown are the hardest parts of this crap journey.

                                   Tonya xx

Seriously... I guess you are probably both - frustrated and scared!  Welcome to the club nobody chooses to be a member of!

I'm sorry you are having problems with getting your husband to help - been there, still there.... unfortunately they don't see it.... you have two choices... don't do anything. Eventually he'll run out of clean undies and socks so will have to learn to do washing... same with the dishes... or Ask him.... at some point you have to sit down with him and explain that it really sucks that your have Cancer, tell him you're scared... and ask him to help..... I know from experience. I have to be direct.. but unfortunately they do it in 'man time'... and probably not to the standard you want...

You are only at the start ...remember to take time for yourself... everything else can wait... if friends ask is there anything they can do... mention cleaning the house or making frozen dinners... you'll be pleasantly surprised at what they'll do.