Shhhhh! The universe might hear me!......or maybe it did?

My best friend online has had chrohns for many years. If you need any tips let me know and I will ask her. Big news is that cannabis oil is getting legalised. It should save a lot of pills being taken when its out.

Hi there,

dont worry about the fight with hubby. It is a relief valve that has to go off sometimes and that just happens to be what set it off. You are both in a heightened state of distress and anxiety dealing with the cancer let alone anything else going on in your lives. 20 year old boys, what can I say? Selfish, selfish, selfish! It's all about them! My youngest son is a clean skin, he doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs. He goes 4wding and fishing and hunting. He went away nearly every weekend whilst I was having treatment. He did the bare minimum around the house and if I did ask for help, the standard answers would be either "I pay board" all $60 of it or " no, I don't think so". He didn't want to know about cancer, hear me talk about it, or do anything in relation to cancer. His life wasn't going to change. I realise now, after counselling, that he was scared witless of losing his mum and if his life didn't change then he could pretend that everything was alright. It used to make me so damn angry. Short of speaking openly and honestly to him about what's going on and what your expectations are of him, there's not much you can do about it I'm afraid. And if he perceives that as nagging then so be it. Counselling may give you some strategies for dealing with your son and husband.  hang in there. You aren't on your own. Karen xox

Ladies, 

Its like I'm reading something I have already written but actually haven't . My sons are like that too. One has moved out at 22, with his sister to keep an eye on him as he is autistic . From ages 13 - 20 , was the worst years of my life even worse the breast cancer twice and all the operations and chemo afterwards. He tried to kill himself twice - when you must drive like a racing driver to emergency , you can somehow. Made it in 15 minutes instead of the usual legal 30 minutes. I was so beside myself with stress, worry and anger for my son but now at 23 he is good. He completed high school at 20 and got his certificate. He's working in IT and finished a diploma . The youngest is 20 and just been diagnosed with Chrohns and has chemo drugs every 8 weeks to keep it under control plus tablets. If he's not at work or Uni then he's in bed, hardly see him and he's lazy too. Not good with the kids , I think I spoiled them too much. I grew up poor in a family of 9 but happy. Wishing you all good luck with your sons. ???? Bep xx

I've got 2 that are homebodies like yours. All my boys haven't done drugs and I suspect that is true. That's my greatest fear. But going out one night a week is expensive even if you don't drink that much. A taxi from city to home is about $60!! So lucky the middle one doesn't drink that much. My biggest concern is his safety when he's out with all the yahoos around and that he doesn't save money and without saving he won't be able to move out of home when the time comes.

Gee I think you are right about that brain not fully developed until 25 as I as a young one was quite a bit the same. Not sure what happened with my hubby though, now over 50 and he still forgets to call and let me know if he is going to be very late getting home from visiting. Good thing is my sons at home are now realising what I go through worrying if he's dead on the road somewhere or what and they get annoyed about it too!

My pair don't go out much and prefer to sit on their computers. One is into gaming live online and has a headset he somehow talks with friends all over the world. Loads of giggles late at night I hear so he must be having a good time. His friends come from all walks of life and one is even a doctor and he's been great helping my son understand and come to terms with my treatment.

The other is into movies and he has such a memory I can ask if we have a certain movie on dvd and he will instantly say yes or no. He watches a huge range of different movies and does a little bit of short story writing himself. Sooner or later I hope he lands some dream job of selling movies in a store or even writes some scripts for some himself.

Neither has ever done drugs and its rare that they even drink alcohol so at least they are cheap to keep at home. Their dad stays on them both all the time with their unemployment and job searching. Keeps a calendar of their appointments and will remind them if they get slack. They are getting the hang of it and aren't quite as shy as they used to be in going out and asking for a job. Our house is split level and we live upstairs and they live downstairs so we aren't living in each others pockets at least.

Hi Tracy

I too really feel for you. I wish someone could teach me how NOT to worry about my boys - especially my 19 yr old. He too lies in bed all day when he is not working or not at uni. We have an agreement that he always messages us if when he goes out and decides to not come home. This was necessary after one night a few months ago he went out and didn't come home for 3 days! I was beside myself with worry. He goes out once a week and I still worry. He has to do household chores but never does them without me having to remind him over and over again. He has a terrible skin condition but won't take his medication and yells that I am nagging him when I remind him. But at times he is sweet and always asks how I am doing, and when things are really tough he is there for me and others so that's good. I guess sometimes our kids are never exactly how we want them to be. For me it's important that my sons pull their weight and are accountable for their actions. They do their own washing, cook occasionally and will generally do any chore I ask them eventually as long as I am not home when they have to do it and sometimes with much sarcasm or grumbling involved. They know that since we pay for everything if they don't measure up we will ask them to leave, but that doesn't mean they aren't at times selfish. After being away with no word for 3 days my 19 yr old was told that if he ever again broke the household rule of having to contact us if he wasn't coming home he would be asked to leave. He hasn't done it since. I really think they are generally unaware of what we as parents go through. Their brains aren't fully developed until they are 25.  So, like Carol says, I keep telling him that I love him and that I don't want him to have to move out, but he will have to if he doesn't follow house rules. 

I wish I knew what the answer is. Wishing you all these best, Nadine

Thanks Carol,

We went through it with my daughter too! She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in her teens (no my son doesn't have it) among other things...she hasn't lived at home for a number of years...but has really grown up in the last year or so...We always tell them we love them (although it doesn't; mean we like them! at that moment!) and we always have given the option of open door...I really think drugs messes with their brains so much they are never the same again....I can only hope he doesn't get too low, so that he cant get back up....

Xx

Hi Tracey

I feel for you with your son, especially at this time, I had a very similar experience with my eldest son in his late teens for a number of years, drugs, laziness & very selfish and yes got to the point where we felt we had no option but to issue an ultimatum to pick up his act or get out - it is truly the saddest thing to do as a mum.  He left and the next few years were horrible, not seeing him at all for long periods of time, just hoping he would get through it and come out the other end.The good news for us is that he did get through it and is now a loving son at 31; still needs to grow up a bit but hey he is boy :)  If I could offer one piece of advice is to tell your son , and continue to tell him, that you love him greatly and his home is here for him to return to when he is ready - he probably wont appreciate what you are saying at the time but he will remember it. 

Hope it all works out for you and you can keep your stress levels low.

Love & luck

Carol