You think it will never happen to you, until it does. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on 20 July 2016. I'm 35 and married for less than 2 years. My husband and I had only recently started trying to start a family. Up until the day of my diagnosis, I always thought that I was leading a healthy, active lifestyle - 3 times a week min at the gym, ate a balanced diet, kept stresses of daily living to the minimum, and was generally a happy and positive person. What a difference a day makes. My life has been turned upside down and inside out. I never knew it was possible to feel this much anguish, despair and sadness. To say the last month has been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. The one constant in the past 30 days has been a free flow of tears, there were days when i thought i had almost cried myself dry. Life is so cruel. I look around me and all my friends are living happy and healthy lives - planning trips overseas, having babies and have bright futures ahead of them. For me, well, my life has been reduced to taking it 'one day at a time'. I feel robbed - of all the things that come so easily to others, yet is now elusive and not within my reach. Friends try to be supportive and reassuring, but really.. they offer a few words of sympathy and feel sorry for me. After that, they go back to living their happy, cancer-free lives.. I have my good days and my bad days. Some days i feel like i can fight this yet other days it's all to overwhelming and i feel my life over - derailed, and never to get back on track again. I feel angry, bitter, disappointed, depressed.. and so much more. Cancer is now the last thing on my mind before i sleep, and the first thing i think about when i wake up. I will never be the same again - a part of me already died the day i received my cancer diagnosis.

YLY...... I'm always so sad to hear everyones B.C story everyday, I am especially sad to read your post as I wish I could ensure you that you can do this, you will get through it, you will have your family, and you will smile again like you did before...I say this because I have to believe it too. It's so hard, it really is and the cliche day by day thing is the only thing that will keep your head above water. I'm sending you a big hug, energy and healing light. Listen to your doctor, see a naturopath to keep you strong through everything, do your own research, talk to woman on your same path and I promise the confusion will lift a little, the haze and exhaustion all gets a little better once you have made decisions, educated yourself and taken a little control of what you are about to endure. I was diagnosed in November, Left Mastectomy on Jan 8th, chemo, second (by choice) right mastectomy on August 5th, and now only my reconstruction to go.....I have a strong family history so my doctor advised a double in the beginning, I didn't listen but ended up doing it anyway.... I am stronger everyday through this B.C adventure .....we are all different but I believe you will find this out also. Much Love and healing light. Penny xxx

All the feelings you describe are completely normal and you have every right to feel them. I felt and feel exactly the same. I am 44 and was diagnosed last year on the 1st Of October with her2 metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my liver and bones, this was my initial diagnosis! And just before treatment the cancer decided to fracture my spine. All I can say to you is you will have your good and bad days. But as time goes on you will find it that little bit easier to not accept ( I will never accept it ) but you will find it easier to deal with. I find that talking to other people with cancer helps because they understand your feelings. Also I find that continuing to focus on your health will make you feel like you have some sort of control. I see a phycologist as well which I find helpful.... I wish you all the best in health big hugs! xox

Oh YLY, reading your post takes me back to March this year when I was diagnosed at 37. I'm not going to say it gets easier, because some days it feels harder, but I do feel that I am getting stronger that each day passes, more able to move forward and even some days I go about my business and some little thing will happen and then in my head, or even out loud, I say "oh crap, that's right I have cancer!", and I am just coming to the end of my chemo, radiation still to go. One thing I did was told my support network that I need to maintain my sense of humour and I have to say I have gained a very warped view of this journey and am often laughing at things I thought I would never have to do like use night time sanitary pads as fluid collectors on my boobs post surgery, and my husband thought that solution up, gotta love them! I sought out a psychologist that I feel comfortable with, went through 2 before I found the one for me and I call her my baggage carousel! I go in drop my baggage off (cry, laugh, get angry, sometimes fall asleep), and walk out lighter. I didn't have this support for the first 6 weeks post diagnosis and I got to breaking point and realised I needed someone not in my circle of family and friends to help me. Highly recommend and you can get a mental health assessment and plan from your gp which helps with the cost. This is a great place to vent and ask questions. Massive hugs to you, know that you are not alone, you are strong but you don't always have to be so reach out and ask for help when you need it. xx

Hi there your diagnosis was the same day as me. Mine was 4 days before my sons first birthday. i am only 30 but I have had all those feelings too but I feel like I had something to learn from this. I as yourself was always very active and ate as well as I could. Since my diagnosis I have changed my eating even more and tried to shift my focus of being the best possible version of myself to get through this as best I can. I wish you all the best with your journey xx

P2T - Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post and also offering words of encouragement and support. I hope that in time I will come to accept what has happened to me, but for now, I just can't get past the feelings of despair, helplessness and anger. I am very happy to hear that you have found strength in navigating through your BC journey. I wish you all the very best with the reconstructive surgery. Much love and healing to you too P2T. YLY

My story | BCNA Online Network

26 Replies

Hopes_and_Dream
Member
10 years ago
Sorry to hear you are now facing a bilateral mastectomy - my thoughts will be with you for a smooth recovery. Peace of mind is so important on top of everything else we are facing. Don't focus on the actual surgery, just the positives of having a way to beat this terrible disease. So often what we can imagine is far worse than what really happens.
I'm now 8 weeks post op from my mastectomy and immediate implant. Still some rib tenderness but I am learning to be accepting of the new numb me!
YLY, you asked about how I am finding Arimidex. 1 month and 2 days in: feeling fine. Yes, I have some hot flushes at night but I would be getting them anyway! Very slight stiffness of one little finger. I've been taking calcium, high dose D3, glucosamine and trying to walk at least 5km (hilly) a day. I don't know what the magic trick is but happy to give anything a go. I'm sure the side effects will kick in with time, but just because there is a terrifying list a mile long it doesn't mean we will get them all. I'm trying to head them off at the pass :)
I hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you and you are soon starting your recovery from surgery.
best wishes
Jane x
primek
Member
10 years ago
I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. Honestly surgery just goes in a flash. Stop imagining the surgery being done.....that will do your head in. Hope all goes as smoothly as mine did.
melclarity
Member
10 years ago
Hey YLY,

I get my BRCA Gene test results this coming Tuesday, my Surgery hasnt been scheduled yet as he wanted to know the outcome of this. He's tipping it will be negative in which Ive decided if so, I will only have my left breast removed and he's doing a Diep Flap reconstruction in one hit and reduce my right side to match. Im a size 10 but E cup. So are you having implants? Ohh its all daunting I agree, its taken me a long time to get to this decision. I cannot live with the thought of another recurrence, so off it comes, but Ive found it really hard, I think as its part of my femininity and just personally I hurt deeply over it. Having said that!!! Im doing it, and as I am all clear 1yr now, I will move on with delight that I am forever changed through this on every level. But how Ive learned to love myself so much more because of it....my Mum survived Breast Cancer 26yrs and only treatment she had back then was a mastectomy, no rads or chemo. So they certainly have more available now.

I think we all learn resilience through this, I must admit with my recurrence I had to dig deep...and it nearly broke me..but Im still standing!!! and proactive moving forward in my recovery.
Big hugs! Melinda xo
Brenda5
Member
10 years ago
It doesn't seem fair sometimes and it doesn't seem to matter a healthy lifestyle or a haphazard one, one in eight women still cop breast cancer. Beats the heck out of me what the cause is but your focus needs to be on getting through the treatment. Yes, GET THROUGH IT. Time enough to worry about what you will be like and what sort of life you will want to lead once the hard stuff is behind you. Its tough on partners too so try and be sympathetic and encouraging on your good days. Get as much rest as you can, it will help. <3
YLY
Member
10 years ago
@melclarity - Thank you for taking the time to respond to my original post. I'm sorry to hear that you have had a recurrence. You mentioned that you'll be having a mastectomy - when is the surgery scheduled for? I found out I am BRCA2 positive so will be having a bilateral mastectomy in the coming weeks. I honestly don't want to think about it too much at this stage, as I am petrified at the thought of a surgeon scraping out the insides of my breasts - like scooping out an avocado (something i read online!)

Good to hear that no specific food types are linked to cancer. I truly believe that a balanced and healthy diet is the best way!

I hope all is going well with your treatment and that you are in good spirits - with a positive mindset and outlook. I wish you continued strength and resilience. Take good care of yourself.
YLY
Member
10 years ago

InkPetal said:
If I had a signature tag while posting here it would say something about how one of the hardest parts of this is accepting how frail we are without losing sight of how strong we can be.

Hi @InkPetal,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I really like your signature tag, as it really is so true. We never know how strong and resilient we are until we are staring face to face with the big adversities in life. I think this is where our survival instincts come in and we are armed and ready to tackle whatever lies ahead.

I guess at times I can't help comparing myself to others.. Case in point - my maid of honour and i have known each other since the first day of Uni, we have been friends through all these years and married our significant others just one month apart. But oh what a different path my life has taken... She is welcoming a new baby girl in late Oct, which will be right about the time where I will be going into surgery for a bilateral mastectomy. I lay awake at night thinking why the hell did my life take such a wrong turn..?

So i know what you mean with regards to making plans for the future, like starting a family etc... That's all out the window for us, at least for the next three years (min) as I will be on hormone treatment and my ovaries will be shut off. So much to look forward to i know! :/

Think i missed your question with regards to my diagnosis - invasive ductal carcinoma, stage 1a, grade 2, ER and PR positive, HER2 negative, nodes all clear. Age 35.
As I also found out that i am BRCA2 positive, I will also be undergoing a bilateral mastectomy (as mentioned above).

How are you doing with treatment etc..?

Sending you love and light.
YLY
Member
10 years ago
Hopes and Dreams -

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I have not been on the forums in the past few weeks so apologies for the delayed response.

20 July will forever be etched into my memory.. for all the wrong reasons.

I'm glad to hear that you caught your tumour early and that treatment does not involve chemo or radiotherapy. I trust that you have recovered well from the mastectomy. Since my last post, i have found out that I am actually BRCA2 positive, so I have opted to have a bilateral mastectomy - most likely in the next few weeks. I try not to think of it too much, as the thought of it is so very scary.. :(

I will also be on hormonal treatment and am currently tossing up between taking Tamoxifen or an Aromatase Inhibitor such as Arimidex.. how are you finding Arimidex and are you experiencing any side effects?

Thanks in advance.
YLY
Member
10 years ago
@P2T - Thank you for the kind offer with regards to the support group in Brisbane. I am however, based in Melbourne...
InkPetal
Member
10 years ago
What was in the stars on July 20. What a miserable day.

If I had a signature tag while posting here it would say something about how one of the hardest parts of this is accepting how frail we are without losing sight of how strong we can be. I seem to say it a lot.
We all have to stare in the face that we're sick. It's going to be hard. You're going to have to ask for help. And that is all okay.
You didn't do anything to make it happen. This isn't your fault.
It feels like chaos, but you'll make sense of it. You'll go to the appointments, make the decisions, take the treatments if you choose to, and you will drag each foot forward trying to plow through the wall of mud that is "stepping" through this part. It's an adjustment, but you can manage this. Piece by piece.

Facebook can be hellish. I think that's why I've taken to coming here so much. My partner was planning a huge trip with me, I'm in the middle of my degrees, family was to come over the next couple of years, everything in my life stopped. I had a similar vent here after everyone's normal lives had set me off while I was drowning in everything, that same anger and bitterness (yikes). You have every right to feel all of it.
Looking back at that post's comments it still strikes me straight to the core how loving the embrace of this community can be. There are people with what I see as "real life" here.
Big trips and new babies, even just a social life over treatment all became about as realistic as unicorn boogers. It's so funny seeing friends complain about 2016 being terrible for them through memes. What a laugh.

Have you seen your results and know what you're up against now?
melclarity
Member
10 years ago
YLY

Thank you! For your brutally honest and open post. I totally understand and agree with everything you said. I want to say to you...absolutely every emotion you feel is NORMAL. I was 43 my FIRST diagnosis, I was 6 months out of my marriage and moved with my children who were 12 & 14, just getting on my feet and dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum only 18 months prior. I had lumpectomy, radiation and Tamoxifen for 4yrs, with no support and worked through it all. Last year at 47 I had a recurrence, lumpectomy AGAIN as it came back in the scar of the previous, 4.5 months of Chemo and now on Arimidex.

YLY - I can honestly say, in all that time, Ive seen the depths of hell, there were moments I wanted to give up through treatment as was so incredibly ill. I am now 9 months post chemo, and working part time but its come crashing down again, and I need to stop and put me first again! I so understand the whole friend thing, its true!!! they are sympathetic but they get back on with their lives and they really dont have any idea the depths of this. Whats worse is I found I had to try and explain to people...I dont anymore. Its not helpful, the journey is tough enough without having to justify why youre not this active, bubbly person anymore..its because youre trying to make sense of it, and just trying to get through it.

I am now facing a Mastectomy because I had a recurrence in the coming months, the journey hasnt ended but I am Cancer Free and surgery will be the last of it. In all this time Ive found nothing that has helped...not really. A Psychologist I would say YES YES!!! so so important and recommend!!! it will be your saving grace!

Strangely too Im seeing a Kinesiologist, who would have thought??!!! she has done more for me than anyone else in terms of my side effects and my mental state. Amazing!!!

I also did an 8 week rehab course at Epworth Hospital in Melbourne, it was FANTASTIC!!! A team of professionals, we dealt with everything and I did a personalised strength training program with it. I felt in control again!

I will Share too we had a Dietician talk to us...she said to my surprise! There are NO foods that link to Breast Cancer...the only perspective they have is to eat a balanced diet..that is it! Any studies done are minority studies only. They say no sugar only due to obesity. So eat what YOU want to eat that makes you feel good and healthy, thats the key.

I look back and wonder how the hell I got through it, but I did, and I send you strength and love to find the smallest victory everyday, to put YOU above everything else and everyone and HONOR you. I refuse to let this define me...I am strong..I am Woman..who screams, cries, laughs and dreams.

Keep us posted on how you are going, take comfort in you are not alone and every feeling you have is validated!!! dont ever apologize to anyone.
Hugs
Melinda xoxo