Forum Discussion

Jennt28's avatar
Jennt28
Member
13 years ago

Loneliness

Loneliness is the thing for me. I am surrounded by people but am always alone. Once my wonderful husband kissed me good luck and I started being wheeled into surgery last December, I was alone. With a friend sitting next to me at chemo sessions while drugs so toxic that nurses wear full gowns and masks ran into my body, I was alone. Lying half naked under a CT machine at my radiotherapy planning session the other day I was surrounded by 4 technicians and my radiation oncologist (having wire taped on my chest to mark the "treatment field", lines drawn all over my chest with a permanent marker and 5 "marker" spots permanently tatooed on my body) yet I was so alone and lonely. This has all really made me realise that despite surrounding ourselves with others we are always, irrevocably, travelling alone. Breast cancer (or any cancer I assume) constantly throws the loneliness in your face. Right now it is 1.50am in the morning, an hour that I have seen every night since last December, and while my hubby snores gently beside me, I am alone in the stillness of the night...
  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    13 years ago

    My IPod is fantastic for all hours music, it also helps me sleep and I play relaxtion and meditation music on it as well.  It was the best investment I have ever made, I love it. 

    Mich xoxox

  • Jennt28's avatar
    Jennt28
    Member
    13 years ago
    Thanks for the suggestions :-). I do take time to plan etc. Can't really turn on the music unless I want a grumpy tired husband the next day ;-) Jenn
  • Jennt28's avatar
    Jennt28
    Member
    13 years ago
    I quite like the quiet in the middle of the night. It is a good time to think and plan :-) I haven't slept through the night since my diagnosis last December. I'm waiting for the miracle night when I sleep through... Jenn
  • Jennt28's avatar
    Jennt28
    Member
    13 years ago
    Sounds like we are travelling this road together Mich. I finished Taxol nearly 2 weeks ago and am due to start radiotherapy on the 26th of June. My rads will be 28 days (5.5 weeks) because I am having a newish protocol where the "boost" to the tumour bed and scar is done at the same time (otherwise it would be 33 days). I'm also still doing Herceptin infusions until March next year as my cancer was triple positive. Jenn
  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    13 years ago

    Hi Jen

    You put in to words how I feel and I am sure a lot of other people feel or have felt as they travel through this journey.  I have been travelling this road since last November and will be for quite a few months to come.  I am heading to Perth for my "set up' for radiotherapy next week. I have one Taxotere (nightmare) chemo to go in a couple of weeks, then a break and then 7 weeks of Radiotherapy.

     I have so many wonderful family and friends who worry about me and ask about me and help me in any way they can BUT I believe I am still alone.  Family and friends travel along side you on this journey where they can but they can't travel it for you or understand how you feel (that is if we are feeling anything as I know a lot of the time I am not feeling at all) as you travel the highs and lows.  Some days I feel every possible emotion I can feel but most days I feel nothing because I don't know what to feel.  I just get through each day as it comes.

    It is a lonely road but there is light at the end of the tunnel and we have to keep  driving towards that light and we will get there one day I am sure.

    We are not alone when we are on here talking with our pink sisters :-)

    Mich xo

  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    13 years ago

    Hi Jen

    You put in to words how I feel and I am sure a lot of other people feel or have felt as they travel through this journey.  I have been travelling this road since last November and will be for quite a few months to come.  I am heading to Perth for my "set up' for radiotherapy next week. I have one Taxotere (nightmare) chemo to go in a couple of weeks, then a break and then 7 weeks of Radiotherapy.

     I have so many wonderful family and friends who worry about me and ask about me and help me in any way they can BUT I believe I am still alone.  Family and friends travel along side you on this journey where they can but they can't travel it for you or understand how you feel (that is if we are feeling anything as I know a lot of the time I am not feeling at all) as you travel the highs and lows.  Some days I feel every possible emotion I can feel but most days I feel nothing because I don't know what to feel.  I just get through each day as it comes.

    It is a lonely road but there is light at the end of the tunnel and we have to keep  driving towards that light and we will get there one day I am sure.

    We are not alone when we are on here talking with our pink sisters :-)

    Mich xo

  • jobeno's avatar
    jobeno
    Member
    13 years ago

    Try not to think of yourself as being alone, but as a time to think about your life and make lists of things that you want to do in the future or listen to music.

     

    Jo-Anne

  • Di_BCNA's avatar
    Di_BCNA
    Member
    13 years ago

    Hi Jenn -- the middle of the night is a very alone time, isn't it?  I hope being here in the online network helps a bit. :) 

    (if it helps at all, you definitely won't be the only person blogging in the early hours!)