It is the end of the month!

The only thing I can put it down to is that is is the end of the month! (Even though today is the first of the month followng the end of last month)

Wednesday 31st August came and woke me up with the reminder - that's right I need to go and have this port put into me, and then....(as if belatedly) have my first chemo (all on the same day)

Well, as I couldn't eat/drink anything today from midnight I just busied myself about getting dressed, having a wash, cleaning my teeth, and then, I found my lip-gloss and lipstick. I put these on for the finishing touches.

7.10am came and my partner and I drove into Liverpool to get to the hospital on time. We got to the car park in record time and arrived at the radiology ward at just 7.50am. It was a nice walk through Bigge Park on the way there. I wished we had longer to stay. Breathing through my stomach, not my chest. Taking nice medium breaths..to quieten me. I felt better in a matter of seconds.

So now we had to wait for the registrar who would book me in. Just after 8.00am she arrived and had me fill in the paperwork. Then it hit me. Anxiety plus.

I made a mad dash for the toilets and my first bout of diahrea. Just as well it was now. I'd have thought I would have digested everything from last night, then I remembered the treat of chocolate I gave myself at around 8.30pm. Wrong thing to do...Breathe I said to myself. Breathe through your stomach a voice inside of me said. I AM breathing! (Well, there is no need to shout, me said...no I am not mad..not yet.)

I filled in the rest of the paperwork and signed my life away down the bottom. Then she took us both up to the new clinical building and gave us instructions on where to go for the surgery.

Take the "d" lift, then go to room 231. I told my partner it was where we went last time for my surgery. I am getting to know that hospital quite well. So up to reception, hand in the paperwork and sit down to wait. I am feeling fine..just wait for another few minutes, then another mad dash to the toilets. I know these ones too - my last time here kept me sitting on the crown for over an hour - at short intervals. Keep breathing through your stomach, not through your chest. It is more quieting...more slow...much better. I am more compfortable and the anxiety leaves me again.

This time was not so bad - must have just been the left overs of the chocolate last night...so I go back to sit down. Pretty soon, I am hearing my name being called and my partner is denied access at this time...I am not happy...however told him to go home, relax and I will get them to call me when I arrive for my chemo. The nurse there tells him he is to pick me up from after the day surgery. I tell her - no they will wheel me down to the Alex Grimms ward and then hook me up to chemo.

So he is at a loss, I forgot to give him his water, and my mobile...I go straight into another room where I am ushered to and requested to put this gown on front end first, then back end last.

Put this on your head, and these on your feet. Put your clothes in this bag and then take off your jewellery. Nothing is said about my lipstick.

After doing all of that, I come back out and had forgotten to take off my jewellery. I sit down, she takes my bp, temp, and heart beat. Then tells me to take off my jewellery. I made a mad dash back to the bathroom again and while I was there, took off my jewellery and put it all together. I came out feeling a bit better.

Next we walked along the corridor and she put my clothes bag into a locker. I reminded her I had my jewellery in my hand, could she put this into my purse please. she locked the locker, brought out a blanket and ushered me into a larger waiting room filled with other "sheep to the slaughter" for all different slaughtering..." I know that isnt' nice, it was my first impression though. I was ushered to a compfy chair and sat all the way into it and placed my blanket around me for warmth. The chairs were laid out in groups of about 8-10 people and it wasn't long before we were chatting amongst ourselves. The time was getting on and I was tired. No time like the present to catch some extra hood winks.

10.45am and I heard my name being called - I know this is a quick operation, however, how will they get me out of recovery and out of my 'stupor' to recover enough for the chemo at 12.00 noon???

Oh well, worry about that later...all morning I had been breathing through my stomach deliberately. Isn't it funny that when I was a kid of around 8 years young, I noticed that all my friends were breathing through their chests and as I thought that was the 'right' thing to do, I changed it from my stomach to my chest. I got a flatter tummy then, and was happy. Now I find out it is better to breathe through your tummy and not through your chest, you get more air inhaled into your lungs so hang the flat tummy, I'll take more air please.

One more dash to the bathroom on the way to the final waiting room where I am greeted by the aneasthetist - Frank, Thank you for suggesting the mask with the mixture of oxygen and the other stuff that you usually give to pregnant women! the anesthist technician Phillip (this is a new one on me...) such a busy man, the nurse, the surgeon - she is a woman and done 100's of these!!! Christine - you did a good job. Thank you

So then i am finally wheeled into surgery where all looks good. But that is only the beginning of the end...There is another bed there and I must say it looks interesting. They (Phillip nd Frank want me to slide along and get onto the smaller more narrow table. Thoughts went through just then...dont they pay their bills here? That looks no where near as cosy as the bed I was now in. "But I'm nice and cosy here. Why do I have to move over to there?" I asked Phillip?

"Because.." said Phillip "we can't do the operation on this bed."

I looked down at this bed, then over to that one, and Frank was over there and asked me again to slide over..."just widgy yourself over to here" Phillip had come around to meet me on the other side whilst Frank came to take Phillips position. I slowly slid over there, minding the gap between the two beds..then Phillip wanted me to squidgy myself up to the pillow a bit more. He placed the mask over my nose and mouth and I pushed it off immediately...

"No. I don't want that on" I said aloud. It didn't feel right. Unperterbed by this reaction, he placed it back over my mouth and nose where upon I pushed it off again and sat bolt upright. "No, I'm sorry..I'm don't want to do this today" I told them both. "I'm sorry...but I DON'T want to do this today!" I was quite adamant. However Phillip had his hand around my shoulders, ever so gently leuring me (or lowering me, I wasn't quite sure) down to the bed again. Talking soft nothings in my shell like ears and placing the mask over my lower face again. I put my hands up to his on the mask and he said "great, Sandy, you hold it in place so I can do the rest" he kept talking to Frank about the needle and what ever else they had to do. I said "No, don't leave me Phillip..please don't leave me.." I was anxious, relaxed, out of my mind, and terrified. He came back to me and placed  his hands over me and told me "I'll be with you all the way Sandy" I could hear him telling Frank about the needle so I held up my right arm to motion that I needed someone else's hand to hold. There was a smaller hand - I could not see, my eyes were closed and I could feel Phillips cool hands over my mask holding it into position. Slowly, but surely I could feel the effects of the gas embracing me. I made a last attempt to breathe through my stomach and not my chest. I could feel me relaxing, I was dizzying out..seeing visions of yesteryear..people infront of me..the ground..the earth...was spiralling out of control and I could hear the words "Stop the world daddy, I want to get off" going on in my head. I didn't want to get off - I wanted to stay on and get this over and done with. "I think it's working now Philip" I said and repeated "..don't leave..."

Then I woke up in recovery to the sound of my name being shouted "Sandra! Sandra wake up!" Why would you want me to wake up so soon? I wanted to sleep. No they weren't going to let me sleep.

Then the next part is set for another story about how I did not have my chemo on the same day as my "penny"

Bright blessings

Sandy