I'M DONE.
After much thought, consideration, and a long chat with my chemo nurse, I have decided to ditch the last chemo. My body has had enough, and its telling me so. I weighed myself the other day, down another kilo, now 75kg, from the initial 89. Now i know people say thats good!, But I have done it due to lack of taste, food avoidence because of the taste changes, diarreoh, vomiting, sweating in my sleep, infections to battle, stress, lack of motivation, sleep disturbance, did i mention stress??
Weather I do or I dont take that last Tax will not impede on my progress, nor does it guarentee a 100% recovery, and Im aware the Drs cant give me that assurance, ( thats why we sign a disclaimer), but I have had enough!
My liver and kidney ache all the time now, diarreoh has set in again causing a bleed, Im down to eating plain noodles, pasta, or rice cakes, skin on my hands and feet are sore and peeling, i have no eyelashes now, so my eyes are sore and teary, my "hello Kitty" is dry and un-interested in 'activity', my memory is... what was i saying??
Some may say Im stupid for not taking the last dose, but I hear many say its my body, and its about quality of life. Ive had a gut feeling since my last stay in hospital, fighting off a staff infection along with an infection they couldnt even name!! to end my chemo. Something niggled at me then, and hasn't stopped! I almost stopped on the recent one, but Im glad i had it, as its instilled into my conciounce even harder to cease the treatment! Im sick, and Ive had enough! For every action, theres a reaction, and this 'weed killer' is causing other parts of my system to break down. I dont have a spleen, ( car accident 25yr ago), so my immune systems rooted anyway, but i know i coped 90% better before all this happened! I have a cathetar in my tummy to my bladder from past cancer, ( 16 yr ago), and that was all dealt with surgery and a few pills, and again, i coped 90% better before! They tell me to drink heaps to flush this through, what they dont understand is, I CANT!!, my kidneys dont cope, nor does my bladder! Ive incurred bladder infections because of this stuff! Which makes my body worse, and more i have to fight off.
Ive heard many storys about women who have ceased treatment and lived past 10 years! And many who have gone all the way, only to have it re appear somewhere else, or, die. So die if you do, or die if you don't.
As i write this, I can hear the waves crash over the 90 mile beach, pounding at the sand, calling me to walk along the beach and contemplate life and feel overwhelmed at our sea change of two years. I haven't walked that in 6 months! I have 4 days before chemo where i feel amazing and well, and I spend it doing house stuff, or sorting out the endless depressing pile of bills and reminders on my table, or returning calls that are asking for payments to be made! Im over being financially strained to the point of asking for help, and handouts!
This has interrupted and altered my life in a way i thought was never possible!! As it has all the women who go through this. My decision is that, mine. I take on ownership and fully understand the consequeances. But I feel if i fuel my body with toxic shit one more time, that may be the one that tips me over into a whole new health issue to deal with! And i may never recover! Ive watched my family change through this, Ive seen their looks of helplessness as I scream at them to get out of the way as i rush to the loo for the 14th time in an hour! Ive seen tears well in my mans eyes as he feels hopeless as to what to do when Im sick, or take days off to be with me, or drive two hours for another CT scan. Surely Im allowed to have a quality of life!
I may be the lucky one, who in 10yrs time can say, been there, got the scars to prove it!, And if Im not, then i can say i gave it a go, but in the end, cancer knew what was to be anyway, regardless of it all. I will be attending the radiation treatment, that will start next month, for 6 weeks. I'll stay 5 days a week in Latrobe's Centenary House, and go home on weekends. I will miss my family very much in that time, but pray its enough to kill the cells, or at least, hold them of for a few years.
I want to thank ALL who have read my posts, and commented, and i want to wish you all the strength, hope, and love you have shown me. Without this, Id feel alone. I'll still tap in and see whats what, and keep you updated. Now its my time to breath again, and feel well, and maybe stay at 75kg as i dug out my sz 12 jeans i didnt throw out :) and my tooshy looks awsome!!! Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ( . Y . )
