Husband and chores

Hey Kym,

It's interesting who steps up to the plate when the chips are down isn't it? We have four girls still living at home ranging between 18 and 21 at the time.

They were all great after the surgery, However, with chemo, the AC knocked me round a bit but not as bad as it does with some people so I was doing a lot of my regular things (old habits die hard huh?) .

Chemo is one of those things that you just can't tell how it's going to go until you start.  The day of chemo I couldn't do anything, day 2 and 3 I had a big burst of energy from all the steroids they give you. Day 4 and 5 pretty average then I was  good till the next one.  The fourth round floored me for about 8 days.

  With the Paclitaxel I  had minimal problems so every body kind of forgot what was going on,  things slipped back to the usual routine and I guess I let it. My aim was to try and keep things as normal as possible.  It was what I needed to do to get  through.  Everyone has their own way I guess. Nobody in my household is used to seeing me doing nothing. So the look on their faces when I took a  Netflix, wine and Tim Tam afternoon!  Priceless.

Did you take hubby to the chemo education appointment?  Maybe go through some of the possible side effects with him.  If he sees them written in front of him he might get the point.

I found a gentle reminder every so often, like "You do realize I am being poisoned so if you have to eat toast one night too bad, drive the 3kms to maccas!"  Stunned silence. 

"Hey Mum, what's for dinner?"  "I didn't feel like going to the shops today so it's whatever you can find"  silence again.  

If you need to go to bed and rest,  just do it.  The world won't stop and when there's nothing in the fridge they'll just have to work it out.

Just makes you realize how much you really do for everybody without them even thinking about it.  
All the best lovely.  
xoxoxo

Everything @Sister said above.

I had a different kind of chemo, known as TC, on a three week cycle. I ended up having an allergic reaction to it and the drug they gave me to combat that made me very sleepy and dopey. So I was incapable of doing anything on infusion day.

I was OK and up for a bit of housework the next day because of the steroids I was given to take, but after that the next 3 - 4 days were out for any significant activity. I couldn't even manage stairs.

In the first two cycles, after that I slowly came up, and by the third week a sense of normalcy returned. However chemo is cumulative and by the third and fourth cycle it was hard to impossible to come back to 'normal' activity. The strength was sucked from my limbs, it was difficult to lift a full saucepan, stand-up for long, or walk up a hill without feeling my heart was going to explode. There was a lot of sitting and resting. I also had significant low blood pressure problems through chemo that led to a lot of dizziness and several collapses. My hands and fingers were also badly affected. By the end I literally couldn't fold laundry or tap on a smart phone; it just hurt too much.

This is not to say that any of this will happen to you. We all react differently. But it was considered that I didn't do too badly on my chemo, and there is no way I could have carried on as normal with the housework. Your family are going to have a serious reality check. I would do as @Sister did. Draw up a roster, do one thing when you feel able, order the groceries online, and take to your bed/couch and leave them to it.

Accept any help from friends. People will offer to help, let them. And have answers ready for when people ask 'what can I do'. Food for the freezer, walk the dog, mow the lawn, drive you to appointments, vacuuming etc. When your family see how much others are helping they may get a guilty conscience!

Hopefully they'll come round as they move out of denial and reality hits. All the very very best Kym. You'll get through chemo one way or another, I did! I have a husband who is interstate weekly, four kids 10 - 18, and an 86yo father-in-law under my roof. And a lot of lovely lovely generous friends. Hang in there, and come here to let it all out when you need. K xox

OK,  I'm hoping ' Back in there' doesn't relate to some commercial environment. Yes, we all spend time in a kitchen, but meals for 5 adults--who will not starve if if a plate of food doesn't magically appear under their noses--  should not be a high enough priority that someone having chemo to feel pressured to deliver. I may have completely misread the situation, if so, my apologies,

I can only echo the others, that your family is in for a shock.  I've done the AC x 3 weekly chemo and I'm now on weekly Paclitaxol.  Neither of them are a walk in the park.  With the AC, I would be almost completely bedridden until Day 3, then I could get up and move around, but energy levels didn't come back until about Day 6 or 7 and then only allowed me to do bits and pieces.  Through most of it, I have cooked evening meals but pretty basic, and we have had takeaway and the kids have also kicked in.  I should also say that my 3 kids, now aged 12, 13 & 16, do all of the major housework each week on a roster basis (vacuuming, bathrooms, hard floors) and the older two iron their own uniforms.  This was going on before bc and it's been a major lifesaver since.
You may be one of the lucky ones who cope with chemo really well but the reality is for most of us that we don't - we're lucky if we fall into the middle ground.  It's not like surgery where there is a defined and easily observable issue.  It's not something that you can just push through, so  don't try to - while a bit of exercise is good for you, cooking and cleaning don't count.
I do get the bulk of the groceries online so that, hopefully, the staples and the bulky stuff is delivered.  I always order that before chemo day as, particularly in the early part of the cycle with AC, there was no way that I could even sit at a computer for that long let alone think of what we needed.  When the order arrives, the kids check it off and put it away.
None of this is hard for them to do although it may eat in to their R&R time - life's tough.  BTW: the housework takes them less than an hour each a week - I don't expect wonders, although I do pick them up on stuff if it's obvious that they've just been slack.
They've all got simple recipes that they like to eat and can do easily, so that helps.
Of course, none of our advice will help if you've not got people on your side at home about this.  That can make things so hard.  Has your husband been in to see the onc with you?  Maybe someone else telling him will help.  And your kids and the fiancee should be able to see the need to pull their weight.  I'm guessing that the older two pay board.  If so, what is it calculated to cover?  If it's meals and cleaning as well as room and bills, then maybe it has to be adjusted - if not, maybe it still has to be adjusted and get a cleaner in.  You don't say what your husband does so I haven't commented as for all I know he may work really long hours or 2 jobs, but if it's just mowing the lawns every couple of weeks then taking part in running the household should also apply to him.  But I do understand that it can be hard to change the roles of a lifetime if you're meeting denial.  Taking to your bed and effectively going on strike may be your only option.  Take care and let us know how you're coping.

Chemo is different for everybody and the reality is you need to be prepared for the worst. Hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised. I was on ACT-H Chemo regime. The AC was every 21 days. I was flat as a tack the day if chemo. Day 2...not so bad...but then wiped out until about halfway into the next week. You then feel a bit better and then it's time to start again. I got more and more tired each cycle and increasingly weaker. I didn't cook at all the week of chemo as I couldn't stand that long. I'd put a roast on though once a week (day 3 after chemo) and got others to do lifting etc for that. 

When on the next regime I was able to cook but energy was very limited. We bought lots of partially prepped food from the butcher like stir frys etc. I made laksa using jar sauces, pre cut veggies in bags and sliced meats. This way I only needed about 20 minutes in the kitchen. I did like cooking for my family as it was all I did. My sister came over and cleaned. I put washing on but had my boys carry out the baskets of wet clothes and I hung up...as I needed some exercise. By the last 2 weeks I was just struggling to shower and get dressed by lunchtime. 

We are all different. I've added some of my posts to give you a little idea. 

I am a working high energy person who exercised everyday and cooked every night for my family and did all the cleaning. It was a big shock to find out I wasn't capable of doing any of it and it contributed to me feeling depressed on treatment. 
Kath x


http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14558/last-chemo/p1

http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/13908/post-chemo-blues#latest

Hi Kym

Here’s a link to a discussion I started when I was about to start chemo and wanted some idea of how I might feel - if you can get your husband and daughter to read some of this, they’ll have a greater understanding about what you might go through:
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/18682/chemo-here-i-go#latest

Everyone is different but unless you have some sort of avengers type super power, you’re going to experience extreme fatigue at the very least and you’re going to need to rest. Put it this way, if they want you around in the long term, your family is going to need to support you in the short term. 

Having said that though, there are plenty of people who do not have any support. If you really can’t get them to see the light, you maune try to stock up the freezer with some pre-made meals and do grocery shopping online and having it delivered. 

If you prepare for the worst and don’t expect to be able to do much at all, you might be pleasantly surprised and find that you can get your act together for a few days during each week - but save it for a pleasant surprise and don’t count on it! 

Good luck for Tuesday - let us know how you go. 

Xxxxxx

hi Kym G, 
which century does your hubby and adult children live in ??? 

You could be very sick with chemo, I was floored from day 3 til about day 14 then I would begin to come good again only for the next dose to be due... 
THEY are not children 
my 15,17 and 25yr Kids got in there and did it all with some support from friends.... 

Maybe have a cooking bee this weekend with them all helping to make double batches of Spaghetti Bol, soups and stews or make a list and get the groceries done then prep things into amounts and ziplock bags and freeze where they can pull it out and put in slow cooker in the morning to come home to a meal cooked at night. 

Getting groceries ordered and delivered online might be a good option. 

I really feel for you ... YOU are the one who is going through treatment they need to pitch in and support you right now. 

hugs 
Soldiercrab

Oh dear - you don't really need that extra stress just now, do you?  Maybe they are in denial - but it is YOU going thru it, not them.  To be honest - they are being a tad selfish.

The chemo may be quite tough on you - chances are you will not be ABLE to do things around the house at all a few days after each dose, let alone cook (often the smell & taste of food can put you off) - You could always ring Light & Easy & get them to send you a weekly 'box of goodies' for breakfast, lunch & tea  ..... and then they have to 'do their own' meals??  A buddy does that when he goes camping!  He orders a weekly 'bunch of goodies' - even if only going for a few days - that way he gets 'extras'!!  LOL

We may also tend to 'downplay our condition' a bit as well which may be to our detriment - I was lucky to be able to stay with my brother & sister in law prior to & after my surgery - so they provided a buffer for me before returning home to the coast 'on our lonesome' - so had to go back to home duties then.  Later, with my radiation, a uke buddy used to cook up a few dinners for me now & then & freeze them - so I was able to 'milk them' over 5 days, so had a good break from cooking main meals as well - I just had to do breakfast & dinner.

If they are hungry - they will come up with something - that is for sure!    I hope they sort out their priorities sooner than later - YOU should be their priority right now!  xxx 

Tbh our food / grocery bills went down as my hubby is just a basic shopper and I ended up spending time on my mobile first couple of times telling him where to find things.You can order online groceries and have them delivered  plus once a week pizza / fast food won’t hurt. Housework probably will be needs basis and worse comes to worse shut doors so you don’t see it.It may not run as smoothly as you have done but it will run because it has to and they’ll need to pitch in if they want clean clothes etc.

Can’t answer about post chemo but all hands on deck is necessary and must be made clear. Simple meals maybe a few less veggies will happen but you get through - maybe a one on one chat with each starting with hubby who sounds like he is in denial.I am wondering if he has attended your appointments so he knows what’s going on -mine hates reading stuff but will come to appointments and listen / ask questions.Kids can be selfish and no notice we need help unless screamed at as they see us as invincible -my daughter told me she never worried as I was tough and had pulled thru stuff before.Its time to counter that belief and be a bit specific maybe even in dividing up tasks eg washing , shopping - maybe ask what night they might cook a meal but knowing kids the lion’s share will fall on hubby.