Husband and chores

Well you did the right thing in explaining how everyone needs to chip in and yes they are all old enough. But my goodness I can't believe your nearest and deaeest would not be trying to do all he can for you. Regardless, you have to concentrate on you it's all about you and you getting through your treatment. You need to be free of worry and need to lie in your bed when you need to for as long as you want. When you can, you will get up and potter about because you want to, and get back for a lie down as you need. You recover after each chemo at your own pace. I hope he steps up and does the right thing. I showed my husband the information with all the side effects and educated him as much as I could. I don't think it's even sunk in with him as he has never been around any illness so I have to gently remind him sometimes that I am not able to operate as I once did, at the moment. 

I was still expected to do EVERYTHING. I had friends on roster - its what they wanted to do. I was pretty much ignored and neglected (his way of dealing with his own fear) until a very close family friend gave him a good telling off. He got the message and there was a significant change. Whatever you do - stay in bed, nurture yourself to aid your healing.How hard is it to buy frozen meals? And when they complain or sulk or play 'poor little me' remind yourself that you must focus on you. They will work it out. I found the Cancer Council counsellors very understanding, through them I was able to stay focused on what I needed and I learned to insist on help. yes, there were lots of tears. Xxxx

Just a suggestion @BCNA as well as a leaflet explaining simply to kids what is happening to their parent their sense of powerlessness may reduce if there are some suggestions about what kids can do to help us eg give a hug , make a simple meal etc.

Well had the dinner table family chat asking for bits of help as bit hard  atm - not all that responsive but will see - daughter suggested tough love with her 17 year old brothers and may come to that.Also learnt I have to double emphasise with her - forgot salad for tea asked for a lift to shop -she said now ? My interpretation was NOT now but apparently was do you want to go now ? Guess am so used to no help as they are always busy doing something else.

hi @KymG, nothing more to add to the above, just wanted to pop in and say hello,I will add that I did no cooking for 12 weeks, unless you call putting toast in the toaster cooking and thank goodness for my dishwasher, you have looked after your family - now its their turn to look after and nurture you,

wendy55

Hmmm sounds like the fam is in a bit of denial? I think as women, we naturally take control in the home and family tend to get complacent and lack the vision of what exactly we do to keep the house running and functioning with ease the way it appears to for them.

They are in for a bit of a shock and I found as I had two teenage children and no hubby, so they had to step up and they did of course with direction but to me...I was always the strong one, it didnt mean that I wasn't because I was too sick to cook and clean. it meant I was honest and real, and at last I valued myself to say NO, Im dealing with enough and I was very ill through chemo. So I now only measure my worth for myself, there's no negotiating, unfortunately family and friends dont really understand the depth of what you go through...partly denial, and partly they just want you to be through it and back to normal...all of it unrealistic. So I say call a family meeting, in fact take them to your Oncology visit and let them EXPLAIN it to them!

My children came to a few infusions I had, it was eye opening but gave them more of an understanding of how serious it was and what I was going through and why I felt so ill.

Sometimes we just have to let go and be true to us above everything and everyone. :)

xx M

I think having a third party advocate to speak for us with family/ employers is brilliant. It seems at times difficult to actually be heard unless I scream  as my capability is taken for granted and probably I don’t speak well enough about my vulnerability.

This also is a problem with the Brave face during chemo we put on. The media show women full makeup working with no hair, people dancing during chemo. I get we all like to try...but the hidden hardship of cancer treatment is unknown by so many. If you have a breast care nurse she may be able to have a conversation with your husband about how chemo will impact you. I had the Cancer Care coordinator talk to my Boss...as they couldn't understand how long the recovery from it was. It took 6 months for me to return to full time work. It was harder as a previous worker continued working during treatment and they thought it would be the same for me (and so did I) I have since met this person...a very different regime. ..and also a worker who works far below her capable capacity normally (lazy worker ho only ever did what she had to -  was her colleagues comments ). I'm not like that...if I'm there at work I'm all in and doing 100%.

I do recall thinking I would be able to work. My breast care nurse and chemo nurses really spelled out how that probably wasn't going to happen and supported me when I realised I couldn't just carry on.  Amid the floods of tears.  X

I think some of this would be good information for families to be made aware of not just breast cancer patients.By that I mean our physical , mental and emotional state going through treatment. I have been guilty of creating a superwoman image in my family and “doing it all “ - my family training needs to change. I wonder if there’s a way to get a family booklet in the My Journey kit @Giovanna_BCNA including one that talks to teenagers and primary school age kids.? 

When I was having chemo, food made me ill. I could eat a little of something someone else had prepared, but no way could I do any cooking. I lost 6kg during chemo. I was lucky my hubby and kids did everything, cooking, laundry, driving me to appointments. Maybe you can get your family to read this thread. Good luck, Pammie .